Tag Archives: PTSD

Domestic Abuse Survivor

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This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write or admit to – I’m a domestic abuse survivor.

I feel so ashamed and I’m full of guilt – because although at the time I didn’t realise what was happening due to the fear and the Coercive behaviour towards me – I did allow myself to become a victim and I didn’t speak up sooner.

With hindsight it was obvious what was happening and what was being done to me, but at the time I just thought I was being foolish and over reacting. I was ashamed to talk to anyone about it.

10 years have passed since these events and I now feel the need to talk about my experience. This is not about playing the ‘victim card’ or about getting punishment, but for the need to be able to let go of the things that have shaped my life and to try and start a new chapter. Some parts of my life during these dark times people already know and others, well I haven’t told anyone about it until now.

Back in 2003 I was living in London and met Steve online. We started chatting online then we were calling each other and when we first met, he really did sweep me off my feet. We started dating and getting closer and closer. We started talking about looking for a place together but we both agreed that London was too expensive for us and so we started to look further a field. We finally settled on moving to Manchester. After a number of wonderful weekends away in Manchester we found a 2 bedroom flat that we fell in love with and decided to put a deposit down for. We like any couple said we’d split all the bills and costs 50/50. Steve couldn’t afford to put any money towards the deposit at the time, and we didn’t want to miss the opportunity of getting this flat, so I paid the deposit in full from my bank account. We set a date to move to Manchester and both handed in our notices at our current jobs. We both went job hunting to try and find new jobs that we could start straight away when we moved and in July 2004 we made the move from London to Manchester.

For the first couple of months, things were going well for me and Steve in Manchester and we were finding our feet. Then we both left our jobs within a couple of weeks of each other, me due to bullying and him because he wasn’t happy at his current work place – which was a big problem as we didn’t have any money coming in. Steve wasn’t able to take out a loan due to previous debt but I had never had any debt or loans in past so I approached my bank and took out a big loan, to help us properly settle in and to cover the bills while we were both not working. As it was only me with some money, we set up all the bills in my name only (something I’d later regret), but at the time seemed perfectly normal. We both job hunted and I was lucky enough to find a job within a couple of weeks. He kept saying he couldn’t find a job which met his skill sets and would keep looking and promised to help with the bills when he was employed. We brought a little male Kitten to keep us company around the flat and called him Jarrod, who would become my constant companion and my main reason for carrying on in life.

The following years we had our ups and downs like any relationship. I kept on paying all the bills and after a while I just stopped asking Steve how the job hunt was going as each time it came up he would get angry and belittle me and would end up making me feel like it was my fault. While I was working, he was making friends in Manchester and eventually on all my days off he would be ‘away’ staying at his friends house or going on trips away with them leaving me on my own. I spent a couple of New Years, Christmases and birthdays sat on my own, feeling down and alone. If I brought it up, I was stifling his life and not wanting him to have friends. In the end we decided to end our relationship as it wasn’t making us happy and we were arguing anytime we saw each other. It was a mutual split and we ended on good terms. We decided to just be flatmates and as we had to 2 bedrooms in the flat it wasn’t a difficult decision. I carried on paying the bills without help from Steve and this just became the norm, there was always an excuse – and I didn’t want to make him angry.

After a couple of weeks of ending our relationship, Steve said that he and one of his ‘friends’- James – who he had been going and staying with – wanted to make a go of it and become a couple. Steve wanted James to move into the flat with him. I was told that as James already had a job he would help with the bills and we would split them them 3 ways. I felt backed into a corner as I couldn’t afford the flat on my own and I also couldn’t afford to move out and after years of living pay-cheque to pay-cheque, any help with the bills would be very welcome.

James moved in and for the first 2 months I did get help with the bills, but after that the excuses started. He wasn’t earning as much as me or he had an unexpected bill. So when a job came up at my workplace I mentioned it to James and we started working at the same place, albeit on different shifts. As our shifts didn’t match we agreed that as they ate earlier, they would cook my meal at the same time and I’d reheat it when I got home. This soon stopped after a while. I spent most of my day off and evenings in my room as they had control over the tv in the front room and so I would only venture out my room to use the bathroom or the kitchen. Any other time it was to complaints of needing to give them ‘space’ as they were in a relationship and couldn’t be affectionate around me.

The status quo kept going on. Banished to my room, while I pay all the bills and I do mean all the bills – The rent, council tax, gas bill, electric bill, water bill, TV license, telephone and loan repayments. I was paying all the bills in full without any support from them. When any issues arose – such as a late bill or something needing repairing in the flat – It was left to me to sort out and if it wasn’t done quick enough I’d get shouted at and belittled. Steve had not been working practically since we moved in and wasn’t actively looking for work. James was still working at the same company as me, but was on a different contract than me and hadn’t had the years of experience and pay progression that I did, so was earning a lot less and as such he said he couldn’t help with the bills as he was supporting Steve as well. Which I thought at the time was funny cause I was paying for everything.

There was a year that I had done really well in my job and had earned quite a good bonus. I didn’t actively share the news with Steve and James, but as James worked in the same company they found out. They asked to use/borrow £600 of my bonus money in order to purchase two bicycles in order to get out of the flat more, which in turn would allow me to use the front room more and they hoped would be allow them to travel to different parts of Manchester to job hunt for Steve. They promised to repay it at £50 a month starting next month when James got paid. It all sounded reasonable to me so I agreed. They went and purchased the bikes and within days of buying them they returned them to the store for a full refund. I was told that the bikes had multiple issues and weren’t suitable, but they were going to go and get replacement bikes from another shop, needless to say this didn’t happen and I never saw my bonus money again.

In 2010 my health took a nose dive. I had managed to injure my knee quite seriously. After numerous hospital trips, it was decided that I would need major surgery on my knee to reconstruct my knee joint and have several pins inserted to hold it all in place. The day of my surgery came, I was meant to be in hospital for 1 night and be sent home the next day. But after several complications I was in hospital for a week. Throughout my hospital stay, Steve and Jimmy never visited or enquired how I was doing. It was only when I had been released from hospital and made it home that they realised how serious it was. I was bed bound for months and was off work for almost 7 months – so they had to do everything for me and had to keep the flat running, although I was using my sick pay to pay for everything still. It was during this time that I began to realise they weren’t the caring friends I thought. As I was at home all day I could see that they would spend there ‘free’ time going to the shops or eating out and enjoying themselves but what really crushed me was the holiday. They decided they needed a break away and so went away for 2 weeks. While I was bed bound they really did leave me to fend for myself (Although they did graciously move the microwave into the front room so that I wouldn’t have to struggle to reach the kitchen!). I realised after coping on my own for 2 weeks that I could do things myself and didn’t need them. It took another 2 years and numerous hospital visits to recover from the surgery and feel more like myself again. James in the meantime had left the company I was working for and found another job elsewhere.

After fighting to get back to full health and getting back into the swing of things at work. I was more assertive and determined to sort my ‘home life’ out. I would get the same excuses and the retelling of lies, so one day at the start of 2012 when I came home from work I asked Steve if we could all sit down and talk about the flat. James was still at work and Steve kept pushing to know what I wanted to talk about and I simply said about moving out. I honestly did have the intention of saying if they can’t cover half the bills for this flat lets all find somewhere else that’s cheaper and more manageable, but I never got the chance to have a proper chat about things.

From that one attempt at a discussion things went down hill very fast. Straight after that conversation, I was given the silent treatment from both Steve and James, questions would go unanswered and I was completely ignored and shut out. So I started looking to find somewhere else to live on my own and through sheer luck found a perfect flat close to were I was working – and significantly cheaper on all counts. So I made an offer which was accepted. The new landlord wanted to do some renovations before I moved in and I thought it was unfair, no matter the treatment I had received, to leave Steve and James in the lurch so I agreed with the new landlord that I’d move in 2 months time. I told Steve that I had found somewhere else and that I was moving out in 2 months and that I had given notice to our current landlord that I was leaving and that the landlord said Steve could either give notice himself or stay and pay the rent and bills himself. Yet again I got the silent treatment, no reaction what so ever. I started to purchase things for my new flat e.g. toaster, kettle and put them in boxes with other things that I had already started to pack up. But, I soon started to notice when I came home from work, I’d find things in my room that had been moved or broken. I questioned it but the silent treatment continued. I began to lock important things away in a cabinet that had a lock on it. One night I finished a late shift and came home at 11pm to find cat poo smeared on the underside of my mattress and on the walls. It would have been impossible for Jarrod (my Cat) to get it where it was, so it was definitely put there deliberately. I spent hours cleaning it up before I could go to bed, which I think was the reason it was done – as I had to be up at 6am for a morning shift at work, which they knew I was on. It all came to a head when I came home from work on a Monday to find splinters of wood on the floor of my bedroom. After investigating I found the top of the cabinet of draws that I had locked things away in had been prised off. I went through everything and found nothing had been broken and nothing had gone missing but I just felt so violated and that was the last straw. The next day, Tuesday, I arranged for an emergency couple of days off work with my manager and spoke to my new Landlord, who thankfully was incredibly supportive and gave me the keys to my new flat that day. I picked up the new keys and started packing everything in my room into boxes. In the meantime while I was rushing about to get more boxes and getting things ready in the new flat, I came home to find post it notes started appearing on things in my room, stating that this particular thing belonged to Steve or to James. Clearly they had been in my room again. After a few hurried and panicky phone calls, my friends and family dropped everything to come and help me move. I let our current landlord know that things had changed and I was leaving immediately and, taking the higher ground, I paid the rent and the bills for a month – so at the very least Steve and James would have a month to find somewhere else. I moved out on the Wednesday of that week and that was the last time I saw either Steve or James in person.

The abuse started almost immediately and not just directed at me but derogatory things were said about my family. The day after I moved out, I went to use the new toaster and kettle that I bought and found that neither was working. At first I just thought these were faulty and I’d return them, but one of my friends and my dad both had a look at them and found that wires inside the plug had been cut and the heating element in the toaster had been damaged. Had the toaster and kettle worked they would have been ‘live’ to the touch. My dad was furious at this – as he recalled a conversation he’d had with Steve, where Steve said he had done a similar thing to someone else. Steve and James had plenty of access to these when they were stored in my room. Unfortunately, with my friend and my dad taking them apart and touching them, there was no evidence left that I could report. As I started going through the boxes and unpacking, I began to realise that a lot of things had gone missing. Some entire boxes that I had packed never made it to the new flat. I’m guessing these had been taken by the now Ex-flatmates when it was all boxed up in my room. As I didn’t want anything else to do with them, I just wrote them off as lost, I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of chasing them for things.

After the move, I didn’t have access to the Internet for a few weeks as I need to get a new telephone line installed at the new flat and once I did get access, a whole new can of worms was unleashed. I found that I was ‘locked’ out of every online account that I had ever had – from emails, social media to shopping sites – all my passwords weren’t working. So I set up a new email address to try and recover these accounts and shared this new email address with close friends and family and started getting reports that they were receiving abusive, aggressive and derogatory emails from my old email address. From the messages that had been sent, it was clear it was the old flatmates (Steve & James) who had ‘hacked’ my accounts. It finally dawned on me why the top had been prised off the cabinet of draws back in my old flat – it was to get all my passwords and ID’s to all my accounts. Some of my accounts they had deleted completely so I was only able to recover access to 75% of them. I’m now a lot more careful and have increased security with all my information as a result.

I was contacted by the old landlord that Steve and James had also moved out and we’d all be required to attend the final inspection of the old flat and get it signed off. The day before the inspection I went with my family to the flat to give it a good clean so that it would hopefully pass the inspection. We found that the flat had been emptied of everything, even though the flat was meant to be partly furnished. They had taken everything. Some of the walls in the flat had been half painted and it was left in quite a state. We did our best and spent the day cleaning and making sure it was ready for the inspection. Once we had finished we took photos of everything, just in case it was messed up again overnight then we’d have evidence. The Inspection day came and thankfully the flat was left in the same state as we’d left it the night before. The landlord arrived and advised us that Steve and James had declined to come to the inspection. I handed over my set of keys and hoped that this was now all over with. A week later I received the inspection report and they had charged us with numerous infractions and charges including the need to repaint the whole flat, electrical tests and damages. The deposit would be used to cover some of this but there was an additional charge that would be split between myself and Steve as we were the ones on the tenancy agreement. After discussions with my family, they agreed to cover the additional charges in full including Steve’s costs so that we could get rid off the old flat and reduce the risk of further contact from Steve and James. We paid the charges and thought that was the end of it, but then heard from the old Landlord that Steve was contesting the inspection report and wanted his half of the deposit back. I explained that I had paid the full deposit in the first place and Steve didn’t pay any of the deposit and provided my bank statement to prove this. The old landlord was very grateful as they didn’t want it dragging out. That was the last contact I had with my old landlord and the old flat was now completely in my past.

The abuse though kept coming via text and email. Somehow the ex flatmates found out my new email address and as they had gotten into my social media accounts they were contacting my friends and family and telling lies and generally saying horrible things about me, I lost a lot of friends because of this. As I continued to unpack my things I found more damaged items. All my CD’s and some DVD’s had been scratched so badly they couldn’t be used – and some had been scratched with offensive writing on. Showing how petty they had become even my photo albums had been damaged and any photos that I had with them in had been removed. I couldn’t take the constant barrage of abuse and unwanted contact so finally I contacted and reported it to the Police.

I came home to the new flat, within a week of moving in, to find someone had tried to break in. They had snapped off a key in the lock and there were groove marks along the frame of the door as if someone had tried forcing there way in. I immediately call the police and an officer came and spoke to all my neighbours in my building, but nobody heard or saw anything. The next day when I arrived for work, I was pulled into a formal disciplinary meeting. My manager had received an email from Steve making complaints against me. After a thorough investigation it was found I had done nothing wrong and it was just Steve trying to cause more trouble. I reported this to the Police, as it wasn’t just my home life they were making miserable – they were trying to affect my career. I was asked to make a formal statement to the police, so went down to the local police station and they took my statement and I showed them all the evidence I had kept. It was now being dealt with as a domestic abuse case and I had a specific officer assigned to me. A couple of days later, I met with the police officer who was handling my case and they had gone and spoken to both Steve and James. I was told that I wouldn’t have anymore contact from them and if I did to report it to them and they would deal with it accordingly.

Thankfully all the communication did stop – however, a couple of months later I started getting things through the post for stuff I did not sign up to – such as catalogue companies and the like. After getting them to investigate where the sign up was done and on a hunch gave Steve and James’s full names and the relevant timescales, they agreed that I hadn’t signed up and they cancelled the accounts and removed me off there systems. After a year or two I would get random emails from Steve, saying he and James had split up, blaming it all on James and that he hadn’t done anything and wanted to meet me for a drink for a chat. I always politely declined and advised if he keeps contacting me I’ll report it to the Police again. In the end I just stopped replying and blocked the email addresses. There is nothing that Steve or James can say that will ever let me forgive or forget what has happened.

In 2013 I suffered a complete mental and nervous breakdown. Although it was precipitated by other events in my life, I dont doubt that the stress and anxiety of all the abuse over the previous years that Steve and James had caused had a part to play in my breakdown. Through the course of my recovery, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and this might explain why I hadn’t spoken up and why I allowed myself to be used and abused in the way I had. In 2022 I finally managed to pay off the loan that I took out in 2004 and lifted myself out of debt. Its now 2023 and I have rebuilt a new life for myself. As I said at the start, I’m not recounting these events in order to shame or punish anyone, but its a way of opening up and letting go of the past. I dont need to relive these events in my mind over and over as its all here in black and white.

A footnote in my past, in my life. And here’s to looking to future.

Mikey

Lockdown

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Well 2 weeks before the UK went into lockdown I was at hospital having a camera inserted into my nose and had other tests. The diagnosis was Allergic Rhinitis, 2 months on I’m still waiting for test results to find out what it is I’m allergic too. However it could just be my fibromyalgia and the body is attacking itself. I have tried to chase up the results but the GP, hospital and NHS are understandably busy dealing the pandemic.

I’ve been in self isolation for almost a month now as all my medical conditions been I’m classed as a vulnerable person during this crisis. But the only trouble is all of the symptoms I get overlap with covid-19 symptoms, so I don’t know what is what. However one thing I can say is I feel terrible: physically, mentally and emotionally.

Social distancing is a very interesting thing at the moment. I’ve never been very social and social situations were very difficult for me with my autism but I’m finding that now everyone is social distancing its making parts of my life easier. I don’t have to try and make small talk or remember the correct social etiquette. I think neurotypical people (non Autism people) will find this a lot more challenging. For years I’ve been told to try and be more social to speak up and fight my corner, but now those rules have gone out the window and everyone is experiencing the world as a person who is introverted and doesn’t like social events.

As for the lockdown and having to stay inside, well that’s just been my normal life for 7 years. The outside world with my Autism, anxiety, depression and PTSD has been a scary place and its been better and easier for me to lock myself away and now the whole Country is doing it. People seem to forget that lockdown is their usual way of life. Hopefully now that the whole country has experienced it peoples attitudes will change, wishful thinking I know.

I struggle with recognising that I need help and struggle with asking for help. I have reached out to Bury Council, the government and mutual aid charities near me to get help with shopping and collecting medicines, so far everyone has said no. Even though I’m classed as vulnerable and self isolating people are refusing me help because I’m not elderly. I agree elderly people need and should get help but so should others. Everyone is trying to save lives and protect the NHS but by ignoring vulnerable people isn’t right, we have a lot of complicated medical conditions and would rather manage at home then put more strain on the health service. But at the time. Without help or coordination we are forced out to do shopping and collecting medications to make sure we stay alive and healthy, putting ourselves at risk and that could tax the health service later on. I struggle to ask for help, I’m very independent and I don’t want to cause trouble or make someone’s lives more difficult by asking them to do things. Even more so now that people are risking their lives to do it.

STAY HOME – PROTECT THE NHS – SAVE LIVES

Autism Diagnosis

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Since my nervous breakdown in 2013, I have been visiting the GP, going to counselling and even had a number of unexpected trips to Hospital. They seem to be finding more and more things wrong with me. First it was anxiety, depression and PTSD. Then they discovered I was partially deaf and classed as hard of hearing, requiring me to have 2 hearing aids fitted. During my numerous counselling sessions it was suggested more than once that I might autistic.

Last week I was officially diagnosed as having ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I’m still trying to come to terms with it and what it all means. I am still awaiting the full report from the autism assessor and hopefully this will either answer some of my questions or put me in touch with people who can help answer them.

– Majority of Autistic people suffer from Anxiety and depression. So is how I’ve felt since 2013 part of my Autism Spectrum Disorder or are they in addition to it?

– Most autistic people are diagnosed when they are children, I’m in my mid thirties, apparently dyslexia is a common misdiagnosis of autism. I was diagnosed as dyslexic in 1998, so am I still dyslexic or has this been misdiagnosed?

– I have been reading and chatting to people who have been diagnosed with ASD later in life and they have said that their life changed and really began after their diagnosis. So will mine change and if so how?

– Are my physical disabilities part of ASD?

It is a big change and huge learning curve. For someone like me who isn’t always sure of his feelings to start with it’ll take time to adjust and time for it all to sink in. I’m relieved that they found something and it wasn’t me just going mad, but. at the same time I’m sad, scared and angry. Really is a jumble of all emotions. Apparently grief is an expected emotion after this diagnosis, but I’m not quite sure why, no one has died, I’m still the same person I was.

 

listed below are some things that are very familiar to me when I was looking through the autism website. I just thought everyone felt this way, didn’t realise it wasn’t normal.

Sight:
OVER-SENSITIVE
Has difficulty getting to sleep as sensitive to the light.

Sound:
UNDER-SENSITIVE
May only hear sounds in one ear, the other ear having only partial hearing or none at all.

OVER-SENSITIVE
Noise can be magnified and sounds become distorted and muddled.
Inability to cut out sounds – notably background noise, leading to difficulties concentrating.

Taste:
OVER-SENSITIVE
Certain textures cause discomfort

Touch:
UNDER-SENSITIVE
Has a high pain threshold.
Enjoys heavy objects (eg weighted blankets) on top of them.

OVER-SENSITIVE
Touch can be painful and uncomfortable – people may not like to be touched and this can affect their relationships with others.
Dislikes having anything on hands or feet.
Difficulties brushing and washing hair because head is sensitive.
May find many food textures uncomfortable.
Only tolerates certain types of clothing or textures.

Balance:
UNDER-SENSITIVE
A need to rock, swing or spin to get some sensory input.

OVER-SENSITIVE
Difficulties with activities like sport, where we need to control our movements.
Difficulties stopping quickly or during an activity.
Difficulties with activities where the head is not upright or feet are off the grou‏nd.

Where to start?

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Argh! Don’t know where to start or what to do for the best. I have so many different issues both physically and mentally that need addressing. I have noticed however all these issues overlap and interact with one another. The way the mental health team and the GP work is to focus on one issue at a time. Which in theory would be a good idea, but by doing this its causing different issues to get worse or has unintended consequences.

I have just finished an ‘Anxiety group Workshop’ course of treatment. To be honest I think it made things worse than it did in actually helping. It was good to find out and hear from others that they were experiencing the same anxiety symptoms as I was (although for different reasons) so I learnt that I wasn’t alone and that I shouldn’t be so scared of the symptoms of anxiety. But it did show how bad and deep my depression was, we had an exercise where we had to challenge ‘negative thoughts’ and turn them into positive ones. For example I’m nervous of going out of my flat. “Something bad will happen if I do” so we had to change it into a positive thought “something good will happen if I go out” but I found that although I could make up something and change it into a positive I didn’t actually believe it and just made me more depressed.

Things that need to be sorted:

Depression – Have had depression for around 15 years, It comes and goes but is always there. I was in an abusive relation for 6 years, in a job that i was constantly bullied in for 10 years. A lot of people have taken advantage of me and my good nature, which makes trusting new people difficult. Have struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality, and struggled with my disabilities – Dyslexia, Hearing loss, musculoskeletal issues, mental health issues. and often depressed about money. Feeling low increases my anxieties. I have been suicidal and don’t want to fall back into that.

PTSD – Still getting flashbacks and nightmares of the events in 2013. This increases my anxiety and depression.

Anxiety – Because i’m anxious all the time and have physical symptoms (sweating) and panic attacks means I often don’t go out, makes me feel guilty and stops me from doing the things i used to enjoy and this makes me depressed.

Health – Due to musculoskeletal issues I’m constantly in pain, which makes my mood low, I tend not to go and get anxious that if i do go out i’ll be in pain or make it worse and i’m not in the right mental state to face surgery on it. I’m on 13 tablets a day, which i know is a lot and proves to me everyday that i’m unwell and increases my depression and my anxieties. I’m very conscious of my hearing aids and how people might react to it.

It’s only a brief description of the things i need sorting, because theirs lots more involved and i’m not comfortable sharing or bringing up everything at the moment, hopefully will give people an insight into how everything is interlocked and overlapping. So when your focusing on one single issue the other issues get worse, and its like taking one step forward and 2 steps back. GP wants to know how i want to move forward with my treatment and what i want to focus on, but i really don’t know as everything is connected. Nothing is worse than anything else, they are all as bad as each other. Ideally would need to work on all of them at the same time to slowly reduce the effects but the Health system doesn’t appear to be set up to accommodate that.

Darkness of Depression

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I cant seem to win or move forward with my recovery. People keep telling me that i’m doing well and they have seen improvements but whats happening in my head/mind doesn’t agree. I seem to have so many problems that its always playing catch up, sort one thing out and another rears its head. If its not anxiety, its depression or PTSD or Physical issues, not forgetting financial troubles.

For the past 2 weeks I have been attending an anxiety group workshop. It’s been difficult on so many levels, this week in particular as we have been focusing on Negative thoughts. This just seems to be making my depression darker/deeper. Which in turn is causing anxiety as i don’t want to end up like i was at the beginning of 2014 when i was suicidal. The current focus of the anxiety workshop is focusing on negative thoughts and turning them into positive thoughts. I’m really struggling to find any positive thoughts that i believe though. Which is making me feel depressed. The medication i take for my anxiety and depression doesn’t allow me to feel anything, it reduces or blocks my emotions, which i have mentioned to the GP and she’s happy for that to continue as she doesn’t want me to be depressed or suicidal again. I currently take 200mg of Sertraline which is the maximum dose. So if i did go back to the GP for a medication review, it would mean changing the medication i was and trying to find one which works again, which isn’t the best idea, i think as that too could increase my anxiety or depression.

I hate feeling like this, i wish i could feel something else. Just don’t know where to turn. I’m in therapy, i’m on medication i’m doing everything i can but just seem to be getting worse.

Invisible Disabilities

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I suffer from a number of Invisible Disabilities including Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, being hard of hearing and having musculoskeletal disorders. On a good day people would never know, but there are times when some help is needed.

I’m very conscious of my disabilities and don’t like to let it show it. Probably stems from the stigma around mental health and people with disabilities and also my own feelings of not letting my disabilities affect my life. Everyone else can do it/things so why cant I. I’m sometimes my hardest critic. I don’t like to complain that i’m in pain, or saying I don’t feeling right, because that’s all I’ve ever known, just assumed that’s how everyone is. however through my counselling I’m starting to come to terms with things and starting to see things in a different light.

I Have seen that Transport for London is rolling out a campaign so people with hidden disabilities can wear a badge which says “Please offer me a Seat” BBC news Article I think this is a really good and useful idea. The only down side is that its only for London. I Sometimes struggle to stand for long periods and when travelling on public transport it isn’t always a smooth ride, as you are jostled about (no matter how good the driver), for me this can be very comfortable as my body moves one way or the other, the pressure on my knees and my muscles increases and decreases something I cant prepare for it and can cause more pain. I don’t like to attract attention and wouldn’t have the confidence to ask someone for a seat, even if they are sat in a ‘priority seat’ or a disabled seat. Cause like me they might have invisible disabilities themselves. So a badge would be a good idea. When I have had to rely on crutches to get about people have been more than willing to help me and offer seats, but i don’t always require crutches and being a 34 year old man people wouldn’t think that i’d be disabled.

With more awareness of invisible disabilities and illnesses the Metro News website did a great article of “Why are people with an invisible illnesses so scared to ask for a seat on public transport?” link to article here

So I’ve decided to take a very small step and order myself one of these:

16mm Round, Disabled Lapel Pin Badge

Invisible Disabilities are hidden, and not something to be proud of or to show off. But people wont know how to treat you if they are not aware. So a small disabled badge on my clothes, might not change anything, but some observant people might see it and may offer me a seat or help. Cant hurt to try?

Truthfully, I am ashamed that i’m disabled and that i’m a different to everyone else. But with counselling I’m realizing “Its OK to be Me” and I have to accept that I am disabled and shouldn’t be ashamed of it or ashamed of asking for help. I don’t think it’ll make a huge difference but even any small difference has to be worth it?

Life has Stopped

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3 Years ago my life came crashing down around me and hasn’t really moved on from there. Greater Manchester Police have ruined my life! I don’t blame the individual officers but the force as a whole. It could have and should have been dealt with differently. Maybe if it it had Greater Manchester Police wouldn’t be a destroyer of lives. (sorry have really strong views on this)

We are 3 Years on from my Nervous breakdown and i’m in two minds. Yes I have moved forward since then and my anxiety, Depression and PTSD have improved on what they used to be. I know I still suffer greatly and this is has stopped my life in my tracks. People keep telling me i’m in a better place and have improved since 2013, but I’m not myself. I know i’ll never be the same person I used to be in 2013 but I’m struggling to find myself again.

Anxiety, really does rule your life. You have to try and plan everything, e.g. planning on what clothes you wear, I suffer from anxiety sweats so need to plan ahead. You gotta plan escape routes and where places of safety are if i should have a panic attack during the trip out. People who don’t suffer from anxiety are unable to understand how much it rules your life. Add in depression and PTSD flashbacks it is a constant battle.

Mental Health care in the NHS is not handled well. (coming from first hand experience) Everyone wants to “help” by giving you strategies to cope with anxiety, depression and PTSD. Not once has anyone sat down and tried to talk to me about what the causes of it are. So i’ll always be left with the causes and not being able to correct/deal with them, but just to cope with the anxiety and depression that affects me now. I understand we cant go back in time and change things, but i need to try and understand what happened. So far its been, don’t think about it, lock the memory away and throw the key away. So rather than acknowledging and knowing my feelings its just switching everything off and leaving me feeling numb to everything.

Life should not be like this, no one should live like this.

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Starting Treatment

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Well I’ve started having treatment through Healthy minds Bury. Only had one session so far.

Since my Breakdown in 2013 I’ve been asking and asking my GP and any mental health workers I come into contact with. Asking and sometimes pleading to have someone to talk to, someone i can discuss what happened, what i was feeling at the time, but no-one seems to want to listen to me. Everyone seems to want me to do CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy). In order to help treat and manage my anxiety, depression, PTSD symptoms. Which in time would help. however i cant shift the feeling that i cant work on controlling my symptoms until I understand whats causing it. I cannot go forward until i go back.

Healthy Minds Bury are doing a CBT treatment course with me. And i’ll be honest i’m not sure. I’ll give it a go and back it 100% but its not what i asked for and kinda think the problems will continue afterwards. I’ll only be getting six sessions, lasting 30 minutes each every 2 weeks. I Know the NHS is stretched and Mental Health services are not that well funded, but do think this is a little poor. People like myself who have “imploded” and have numerous issues are kind of stuck. You can only focus on one thing at a time, then you have to have a pause after the sessions have finished to give time for what you’ve learnt to sink in and for you to adjust, before you can start the next issue.

With the amount of issues i’m currently facing, its difficult to establish which symptoms i’m having is physical or mental health related, this is how i found out i had badly damaged my hearing. With so many different symptoms some of which overlap its difficult to try and focus on one particular issue.

It’s taken me almost 3 years to get some help and this is only one step. A very long road ahead.

 

Flashback Re-emergence

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After having my breakdown in 2013 I had loads of flashbacks due to PTSD. Almost all of them were me ‘flashing’ back to the Time that Greater Manchester Police were in the flat, The Hi-viz jackets they wore were so visible in the flashbacks. I had some Therapy in 2014 which used an NLP approach to help me deal with the flashbacks caused by PTSD. It really did help and I had thought I had gotten a handle on it, however they have re-emerged this week.

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The trigger this week was due to Greater Manchester Police turning up at the flat again. (Nothing as serious as 2013) but it brought all the memories back again and the flashbacks. The flashbacks are a mixture of the 2013 events and this weeks, yet again the officers hi-viz clothing is extremely vivid.

I Have been so anxious and shaky since they turned up. Just as I thought I was getting somewhere, something simple throws me back.

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No more fight left

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I feel so guilty. Guilty that I cannot fight and beat this depression, anxiety and PTSD. Guilty of the effects it’s having not only on me but on friends and family. I feel guilty asking for help, others get along by themselves, so why can’t I bounce back. Why is life so difficult? I feel guilty for saying how I really feel and worry about the effects it’ll have on others.

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I hate having money troubles, struggling to get by just to buy food and pay the bills. I wish I could be back at work earning money, rather than surviving on handouts. Have stripped back as much as I can. Can’t go out as unable to afford things. Can’t see family as much I’d like due to costs of train fares. The money worries keep me awake at night and increase my anxiety ten fold.

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Here’s hoping for a cure  and an end to mental health sufferers globally. It happens so quick you fall apart completely and yet takes years if ever to become ‘normal’ again. I’ll never get back to who I was before my breakdown, that has been taken from me. Trust that can no longer be restored. Have found I’m more cynical of everything, as before I used to see the good in everything and everyone. I just get that sinking feeling, another battle, another fight. I’ve been so strong and fighting so hard, I feel there’s no more fight left in me.

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Advice, Assistance, Directions…

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I don’t know what to do for the best…

When i finished my last counselling session in 2014, i was starting to get back on track and finding my way again. The sessions helped with my PTSD. My flashbacks and nightmares were the biggest challenge at the time. Then in January 2015 i felt strong enough to get help for my next issues which was anxiety and my GP Referred me for CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Which I agreed was right for me at the time. However i was expecting a 12 month waiting list. I’m now 9 months in and social anxiety is my biggest issue, however I’m not sure that CBT is now right for me in my current state of mind. I think talking to someone about my anxieties and things that had happened in my past (domestic abuse and past issues) that seem to be running rampant around me mind at the moment.

I’m scared of saying anything to my GP or asking for different help, cause i really don’t know what is for the best. I don’t want to end up in the same situation, if i cancel or change the CBT, i might then go back on a waiting list for another 12 months and that wont help. But at the same time, doing counselling/CBT when your not ready for it or in the right frame of mind, is also dangerous. (Numerous GP’s and mental health people have said this).

I feel i’m not only letting myself down, but letting friends and family down. Everyone wants me to get better ASAP, even though there is no official timescales for recovery. I don’t want to be a burden, a worry or a cause of stress for anyone.

There is always the crisis team, which i know have helped others before, but without a GP or someone referring me, i feel like a fraud asking for help. I just don’t know what to do or where to go!

 

Unsettled nights….

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Since my breakdown in 2013, I had huge sleeping issues. Loads of nightmares and Flashbacks (PTSD) and really wasnt sleeping. I went for counselling in 2014 and we used an NLP approach (Neuro-linguistic programming), to try and get rid/reduce the unsettled nights. It worked the nightmares and flashbacks have ‘stopped’ and i’m no longing waking up in panic.

But it seems to have had a different side effects. I still appear to be having nightmares but the NLP approach stops me remembering them, which stops me waking up in panic. But lately I’ve been waking feeling very anxious and i’m not getting great sleep, lots of tossing and turning. Because i cant remember them, I don’t know what’s caused the anxiety so i can’t fight it or overcome it. Just have to put it down to nightmares and carry on.

Although the NLP approach has helped to stop the panic attacks and is allowing me to get some sleep, I don’t really know how to over come the current issues. Hopefully as treatment continues (on waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), it will help address these issues. Positive thinking anyway.

 

 

Plodding Along….

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Haven’t done an update in a while. Mainly because I’ve had nothing to report on. The benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) (vertigo) has improved alot since the doctor did his tests and exams. Still feeling very low on energy though. but the dizziness has subsided thankfully.

As for the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD, not much has changed. Have been focusing on the physical and getting them under control. So i’m not having too many panic attacks or burping fits as i used to. Sleep is still hit and miss, I am sleeping but wake up exhausted, not feeling any better for it. Still waiting for my referral for CBT to help.

I am having major problems with Social anxiety at the moment. Due to a mix of reasons. I feel safe in my home, I have gotten things under control, when i go out so much is out of my control. Things can go wrong so quickly and i don’t have any safety net or safe place to get to if i go out. Also i have stayed in and not been very active mainly due to the vertigo (BVVP) cant really go out and enjoy yourself if your dizzy. The good side though is now i’m getting over it and getting control of my physical symptoms.

I wish i had my confidence, to get out and meet more people. Its not that i haven’t had the offers, its just i’m way to scared.lol (Not as tough as my online persona shows). Unfortunately not every ‘gets it’ and think i’m just brushing them off, but i’m really not, would love to meet with some people, but just cant get over that hump to do it. Always had confidence issues.

 

A Step forward….

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WOW! What a week, I’ve had. Certainly impressed and proud of myself (something very unusual these days.)

My Parents came up from London, to visit me and my boyfriend, to see how were are doing and to say hello. We had a fabulous time. We went out for meals and went and showed them parts of our city. Lots of people, crowds and noises and coped really well. Did so much, that was so afraid of. Managed huge crowds, being close to police Officers from GMP (Greater Manchester Police) and getting out the flat. Really did have a lovely weather for it too.

We went to the World Famous Bury Market, had a lovely time wandering round. Didn’t have too many issues. While we had a break from the market, we were sat having tea and coffee, and the next table called over a Police Officer who was passing by, to talk to them and although my anxiety & PTSD went through the roof and I had the shakes. I didn’t have a full blown panic attack. Which is a first, esp being that close to a Police Officer. We later went into a local Poundworld and all over the store (Sometimes hidden), they had cardboard cut outs of police officers around the shop. There was one in particular that really did scare me as I just caught it out the corner of my eye. I panicked Swore out loud and literally jumped into this poor lady doing here shopping. Had to apologise and felt so guilty about it. But I calmed down and was able to carry on. The Panic passed really quickly. I even Managed to get a photo taken of me standing next to one of the cardboard “Police Officers.” Sounds really silly, and others wouldn’t give it a second thought but boy it took me some courage. Really pleased and proud of myself for doing it.

The Next day we had a lovely day out in Salford Quays & Media City. Seeing the ITV & BBC Studios and visiting the Lowry outlet Mall (Love the Cadbury shop there), and visited the Imperial War Museum North.

Still a long way to go, but shows I’m coping a lot better.

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The Internet is a lifeline….

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The Internet is a lifeline for people who suffer from Mental Health Issues. You can have loads of support from friends and family, but if you’re terrified of social situations it can be very difficult to meet for a coffee or even talk on the phone. People do take it for granted that its easy to walk down to the shops, do your shopping and head back. but when you Suffer from PTSD and scared of the Police (GMP – Greater Manchester Police), like I am. Every time you go out. Its takes hours of planning and building yourself up, not just mentally but physically as well. When i’m having an Anxiety attack, then i’m sweating and shaking profusely and takes a while before i can calm down and build the confidence to head out.

On Days where anxiety is too high or confidence is too low (or both), The internet is a lifeline. It allows you to connect not just to friends, family but online friends and sometimes more importantly other sufferers who are going through what you are. Knowing that its not just you and that other people know exactly how you feel and what your going through, not only helps boost your confidence but you share coping strategies.

I suffer from not only Depression, but Anxiety, Panic attacks and PTSD, as well as some other medical issues. During the course of the day with so much affecting me, my moods can be all over the place. So having access to the internet and my own network of coping strategies (My Blog, Member of several groups, Facebook, Twitter, email etc..) it is an outlet and a release. From one minute to another my mood can change.

I have found that do tend to bottle feelings, emotions and thoughts up inside, and have found it does not help or work and gets ya into a bigger mess and more of a state. However I do find sharing my thoughts and feelings online can be a huge release. It might be difficult and worrying for people to read, but its much better that i’m talking about these feelings and sharing rather than cutting myself off and letting the thoughts fester.  [whohit]Internet-is-a-lifeline[/whohit]

 

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PTSD – Flashbacks

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Since my Counselling Started to help reduce my Nightmares and flashbacks from events that happened in Nov 2013. I have had a good couple of months without them, but had had the first one in ages the other night. Scared the crap out of my was screaming as i woke. But it didn’t disrupt my whole day like they normally do. Small victory but a huge step forward for me.

Flashbacks are horrible. Takes ya right back there to all the sounds, smells and feelings i had at the time of the incident. Its definately not like recalling a memory. Terrified, but shows the counselling works as i could calm down and more on soon after. It didn’t ruin my whole day.

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Small steps..  [whohit]PTSD-Flashbacks[/whohit]

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Confidence V Risk Taking

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Well Since my breakdown in November, I have started to realize that the world i create in my mind and the things i image happening are a lot more worse and scary then real life itself. I Have found myself wanting to do things that i would have before said was too dangerous or stupid to do. What i deem stupid and dangerous is quite different to everyone else. I haven’t had the best confidence, and have had other health issues (knees) which have restricted some of the activities i would have liked to do.

I have noticed a trending of me wanting to do more things that are out of my comfort zone. Is this because i have a new found confidence that the world isn’t as scary as it used to me. Or is it me just taking more risks, cause I’m in the what the hell mood, nothing can be as worse as what I’ve already experienced.

It could be both a boost to me confidence as well as more risk taking. I’m not planning on doing anything silly, but more open to ideas now than i was before ( See my Bucket List). Incresed risk taking esp, with my mental health issues are a worry, but its also something that is well known and documented with people who have PTSD and Depression. As for the increased confidence i think this is more that i ahve realized in myself that The Reality of the world is not as scary as what my mind can produce. Then again i’m still scared and have no confidence going out, another symptom of my Anxiety Disorder.  [whohit]Confidence-V-Risk-Taking[/whohit]

Sleeping Issues

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Been having a huge amount of Sleeping problems since the events in November 2013. I used to struggle to function if i didn’t get a good 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night, would wake up grumpy and tired if i didn’t. But for the past 10 Months I’d be lucky to get 6 hours a night. And even then its not full restful sleep. Its unbroken and difficult. Although on the plus side do get to see some lovely Sunrises over Manchester as I’m still awake as the sun comes up (chance for a Twitter or Facebook upload).

Suffering from lack of sleep is horrible. It brings your mood down, you cant concentrate on anything. Everything is so much effort and there is just no motivation at all to do anything.

I’ve been having Counseling through Bury IAPT services for the past 3 or 4 months to help with my flashbacks and nightmares that started after my breakdown.  This has helped to control my nightmares and Flashbacks but they still appear from time to time, Classic symptoms of PTSD. The main flashback that troubles me is one of the memories i had when Greater Manchester Police (GMP), first came to the flat and made me think that my Fiancee and love of my love had died. Its of a police officer that was stood in my the flat. in a certain stance, he was wearing full police uniform including high-vis jacket. And had his arms up holding onto the top of his stab vest. This image haunts me. The Police tell me Officers stand like that cause its more comfortable as the stab vest and equipment they have is uncomfortable. But i saw it as a very aggressive stance. It looks like his fists were up and ready for a fight and he was ready to launch at me any moment.

The Nightmares are truly awful, waking up covered in sweat, heart pounding, jumping up and screaming. The nightmares although were different in scene setting, people in them but there are 3 main themes which keeping troubling me and keep coming up time and time again. The first one is seeing Police in my nightmares, this would start of my anxiety/panic attacks and after waking i wouldn’t have a chance of getting back to sleep. On numerous occasions the Nightmare of the Police raiding the flat or me opening the door to see a policeman there, would require me to get dressed and walk around the block to confirm that there are no Police nearby, this sometimes stops the panic attacks but rarely stops the anxiety attacks. The policeman is always the same, same face, doesn’t matter what I’m dreaming about he’ll walk my nightmares to find me. The second theme again stems from the PTSD and the thought that my other half had died. In the nightmares I’m loosing someone close to me. friends, family the person who dies or goes missing is always different but the emotions and feeling of loss just brings me back to the way GMP left me in November after the first visit they paid me. The emotion and feeling of loss is huge and very dark, Some very dark places and thoughts come after these nightmares. The 3rd theme is quite simply fear. Just being afraid scared of everything and anyone, again down to GMP and me loosing my ‘safety net’, no-one is there to help or protect me and this leaves me feeling very alone, very vulnerable and very scared.

At the moment i have no sleep routine, I sleep when i can and when needed. I still try and go to bed and sleep but normally just lie there for hours in between 20 minute power naps. I’m constantly tired and not through lack of trying to sleep. Back in December the GP put me on medication (Zopiclone), some strong sleeping tablets. I was only allowed that one prescription of it (28 tablets) due to them being addictive. They did allow me to sleep for a good uninterrupted, restful time.

Although the flashbacks and nightmares have improved with the help of counseling. Its not just the sleeping that’s an issue. My Anxiety disorder is next on the list that i need to get help for. I’m actually scared/worried of waking up. As silly as it sounds, but when I’m asleep, no one can hurt me. There is less people about at night and generally less noise so allows me to get things done and completed without jumping at every noise from outside or elsewhere in the building. In November the 2 days the Police arrived at the flat they woke me up and got me out of bed. So I’m extremely anxious in the mornings. This could be why i stay up all night before going to sleep when the sun comes out. Then again when my Partner Mike was having his flashbacks/rough/dark times they generally were at night. So I’m not sleeping as heavily as i was to listen out to keep me eye on him.

So really my Sleeping issues are a mess. And that’s just the mental health side of things troubling me when i try to sleep. Not to mention the back or knee pains.  [whohit]Sleeping-issues[/whohit]

Feeling Worthless or Guilty

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I feel so guilty all the time. Feel guilty for having dark thoughts for not being full of joy and life. I know its part and parcel of Depression and PTSD. Its part of my illness but still hate it. Feeling guilty for needing someone to talk to or asking for help. Its my issue, my illness so why bother others? Well as the saying goes ‘Problem shared is a problem halved.’ I’m slowly starting to open up and the blog really does help.

Some days i just gotta focus on myself as my mental health or physical health isnt great. But feel so guilty to say i need time out or i need a rest day!

 

Its not just me:

“Feeling Worthless or Guilty

People who are depressed may tend to think of themselves in very negative unrealistic ways. They may become preoccupied with past “failures,” personalize trivial events, or believe that minor mistakes are proof of their inadequacy. They also may have an unrealistic sense of personal responsibility and see many things as being their own fault. For example, a car salesperson may spend a great deal of time blaming himself/herself for not meeting certain sales quotas even when the overall sales of cars in the area is down and other salespeople are having similar difficulty. Sometimes this belief of personal responsibility can become delusional. For instance, a person may begin to believe that he or she is to blame for civil unrest in other parts of the world.

Self-loathing is common in clinical depression. This can be a downward spiral when combined with other symptoms such as lack of energy and difficulty with concentration. For instance, if a person has been unable to keep the house clean or finish assignments at work, he or she may look to that as proof that he or she is a bad person. The more things do not get done at home or work, the worse a person feels about him or herself. In reality, the person has problems at home and work because of the effects of a depressive illness, not because he or she is a “bad person.”

Diagnostically, a person would experience feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day for a period of two weeks in order to meet criteria for major depression. However, beliefs or thoughts that do not meet the criteria for major depression include feeling blame for being ill and not meeting personal responsibilities as a result of clinical depression.”  [whohit]Feeling-worthless-or-guilty[/whohit]

What have you done today to make yourself feel Proud?

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Well Have had a busy morning, busy for me anyway. I went out and went to the Local GMP Police Station. To get a second form for the Professional Police Standards Branch for me to sign. Huge accomplishment going to the police station. Had a massive panic once i had got home, but thankfully not while out and about. Had to have a couple of days to build myself up to it.

Also Posted a couple of letters and had a short walk. For someone who suffers PTSD and anxiety this is a huge accomplishment. Feeling proud of myself. Haven’t really left the flat for 10 months. Need to try and get out more and start doing the things i enjoy again.  [whohit]What-have-you-done-today…[/whohit]