Counseling Continues…

Since my breakdown have been struggling with a lot of things. I was referred to Counseling through my GP. I Had an assessment with the Mental Health team where i live and we agreed that the Sleeping issues and Flashbacks were the first priority. I wasn’t sleeping at all. And this mean me very tired, no motivation and making me very depressed. I couldn’t sort anything out until my sleep had been either sorted or at least helped with it. I was offered Counseling from the Mental team and agreed a course of treatment – Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) as an approach to coping with the flashbacks and nightmares. As per the current rules, i had a maximum of 6 sessions booked for me, to go through the steps to the road to recovery.

Gotta say it had been great and worked really well, My Counselor is great. The NLP approach has helped me to get rid of the flashbacks and reduce the amount of nightmares. All the nightmares related to the November incident i can now control and I’m not in such a state waking up. I can actually fall back to sleep (most times) after having a nightmare.

I’m still having nightmares but no where as severe as they were and still having lots of trouble sleeping. I have discussed the thoughts and reasons around why this is affected me and we have come to the conclusion that its now the Anxiety disorder which is now the main thing.  A lot of the nightmares and trouble sleeping are now down to being in a constant anxious state. The Counselor feels that we have completed and done everything to resolve the nightmares and flashbacks and its now time to look at the next treatment. At the moment the way the Mental Health service works is that you are first referred by your GP, you have an Assessment and are allotted up to a maximum of 6 sessions. They Will only focus at one particular issue at a time. (So as i have multiple Mental health issues, i would need to be referred multiple times.) Once you have finished with the 6 session you will need to wait at least 6 weeks before starting any new sessions.

I had my 6th session on Friday, however my counselor wasn’t happy to discharge me from her care. I have been described as an ‘An at risk Adult’ and ‘A vulnerable person in my current state.’ As we have reached the maximum number of sessions, she had to discuss my case with her Manager. They have both agreed to continue the Counseling on an ongoing basis and they are unhappy for me to be discharged from the Mental Health team and counseling at this stage. Mainly due to the risks involved, but also because of the relationship and trust that i had built with my counseling and she feels were are making progress together and that if i was discharged. The things might get, worse and may slip back into old habits and undo the good work. So will start working now on the Anxiety.  [whohit]Counceling-continues[/whohit]

So both good and bad news. Good news is that i wont have a break in terms of my therapy and wont have to change counselors. This means i should hopefully be able recover and move on with my life after my breakdown. The bad side to it is that I’m still so unwell they wont discharge me.

Another trip to Hospital

Well everyone keeps telling me “I’m a disaster waiting for a place to happen.” I’ve gone and done it again. This time i’ve broken one of my toes (the toe next to my big toe on my right foot).

On Wednesday night 27th August, I was getting something out of one of the top cupboards and a Hard plastic Thermos travel cup/mug fell out bounced off the kitchen sideboard and landed on my foot breaking my Toe. Been to the Hospital, nothing they can do, just take painkillers and it’ll take 6-8 weeks for it to heal.

It’ll Make Physiotherapy fun, i start that on 1st September in order to strengthen my right knee and the muscles ready for surgery on it. So having a broken toe on the right side will make it difficult. Hopefully wont cause too many issues.

Even my Fiancee Said it was an impossible accident, if he hadn’t witnessed it, he wouldn’t have believed it. I have a great talent of having injuries in the most bizarre and crazy ways, If it can happen it’ll happen to  [whohit]Another-trip-to-Hosp[/whohit]

Confidence V Risk Taking

Well Since my breakdown in November, I have started to realize that the world i create in my mind and the things i image happening are a lot more worse and scary then real life itself. I Have found myself wanting to do things that i would have before said was too dangerous or stupid to do. What i deem stupid and dangerous is quite different to everyone else. I haven’t had the best confidence, and have had other health issues (knees) which have restricted some of the activities i would have liked to do.

I have noticed a trending of me wanting to do more things that are out of my comfort zone. Is this because i have a new found confidence that the world isn’t as scary as it used to me. Or is it me just taking more risks, cause I’m in the what the hell mood, nothing can be as worse as what I’ve already experienced.

It could be both a boost to me confidence as well as more risk taking. I’m not planning on doing anything silly, but more open to ideas now than i was before ( See my Bucket List). Incresed risk taking esp, with my mental health issues are a worry, but its also something that is well known and documented with people who have PTSD and Depression. As for the increased confidence i think this is more that i ahve realized in myself that The Reality of the world is not as scary as what my mind can produce. Then again i’m still scared and have no confidence going out, another symptom of my Anxiety Disorder.  [whohit]Confidence-V-Risk-Taking[/whohit]

Sleeping Issues

Been having a huge amount of Sleeping problems since the events in November 2013. I used to struggle to function if i didn’t get a good 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night, would wake up grumpy and tired if i didn’t. But for the past 10 Months I’d be lucky to get 6 hours a night. And even then its not full restful sleep. Its unbroken and difficult. Although on the plus side do get to see some lovely Sunrises over Manchester as I’m still awake as the sun comes up (chance for a Twitter or Facebook upload).

Suffering from lack of sleep is horrible. It brings your mood down, you cant concentrate on anything. Everything is so much effort and there is just no motivation at all to do anything.

I’ve been having Counseling through Bury IAPT services for the past 3 or 4 months to help with my flashbacks and nightmares that started after my breakdown.  This has helped to control my nightmares and Flashbacks but they still appear from time to time, Classic symptoms of PTSD. The main flashback that troubles me is one of the memories i had when Greater Manchester Police (GMP), first came to the flat and made me think that my Fiancee and love of my love had died. Its of a police officer that was stood in my the flat. in a certain stance, he was wearing full police uniform including high-vis jacket. And had his arms up holding onto the top of his stab vest. This image haunts me. The Police tell me Officers stand like that cause its more comfortable as the stab vest and equipment they have is uncomfortable. But i saw it as a very aggressive stance. It looks like his fists were up and ready for a fight and he was ready to launch at me any moment.

The Nightmares are truly awful, waking up covered in sweat, heart pounding, jumping up and screaming. The nightmares although were different in scene setting, people in them but there are 3 main themes which keeping troubling me and keep coming up time and time again. The first one is seeing Police in my nightmares, this would start of my anxiety/panic attacks and after waking i wouldn’t have a chance of getting back to sleep. On numerous occasions the Nightmare of the Police raiding the flat or me opening the door to see a policeman there, would require me to get dressed and walk around the block to confirm that there are no Police nearby, this sometimes stops the panic attacks but rarely stops the anxiety attacks. The policeman is always the same, same face, doesn’t matter what I’m dreaming about he’ll walk my nightmares to find me. The second theme again stems from the PTSD and the thought that my other half had died. In the nightmares I’m loosing someone close to me. friends, family the person who dies or goes missing is always different but the emotions and feeling of loss just brings me back to the way GMP left me in November after the first visit they paid me. The emotion and feeling of loss is huge and very dark, Some very dark places and thoughts come after these nightmares. The 3rd theme is quite simply fear. Just being afraid scared of everything and anyone, again down to GMP and me loosing my ‘safety net’, no-one is there to help or protect me and this leaves me feeling very alone, very vulnerable and very scared.

At the moment i have no sleep routine, I sleep when i can and when needed. I still try and go to bed and sleep but normally just lie there for hours in between 20 minute power naps. I’m constantly tired and not through lack of trying to sleep. Back in December the GP put me on medication (Zopiclone), some strong sleeping tablets. I was only allowed that one prescription of it (28 tablets) due to them being addictive. They did allow me to sleep for a good uninterrupted, restful time.

Although the flashbacks and nightmares have improved with the help of counseling. Its not just the sleeping that’s an issue. My Anxiety disorder is next on the list that i need to get help for. I’m actually scared/worried of waking up. As silly as it sounds, but when I’m asleep, no one can hurt me. There is less people about at night and generally less noise so allows me to get things done and completed without jumping at every noise from outside or elsewhere in the building. In November the 2 days the Police arrived at the flat they woke me up and got me out of bed. So I’m extremely anxious in the mornings. This could be why i stay up all night before going to sleep when the sun comes out. Then again when my Partner Mike was having his flashbacks/rough/dark times they generally were at night. So I’m not sleeping as heavily as i was to listen out to keep me eye on him.

So really my Sleeping issues are a mess. And that’s just the mental health side of things troubling me when i try to sleep. Not to mention the back or knee pains.  [whohit]Sleeping-issues[/whohit]

Feeling Worthless or Guilty

I feel so guilty all the time. Feel guilty for having dark thoughts for not being full of joy and life. I know its part and parcel of Depression and PTSD. Its part of my illness but still hate it. Feeling guilty for needing someone to talk to or asking for help. Its my issue, my illness so why bother others? Well as the saying goes ‘Problem shared is a problem halved.’ I’m slowly starting to open up and the blog really does help.

Some days i just gotta focus on myself as my mental health or physical health isnt great. But feel so guilty to say i need time out or i need a rest day!


Its not just me:

“Feeling Worthless or Guilty

People who are depressed may tend to think of themselves in very negative unrealistic ways. They may become preoccupied with past “failures,” personalize trivial events, or believe that minor mistakes are proof of their inadequacy. They also may have an unrealistic sense of personal responsibility and see many things as being their own fault. For example, a car salesperson may spend a great deal of time blaming himself/herself for not meeting certain sales quotas even when the overall sales of cars in the area is down and other salespeople are having similar difficulty. Sometimes this belief of personal responsibility can become delusional. For instance, a person may begin to believe that he or she is to blame for civil unrest in other parts of the world.

Self-loathing is common in clinical depression. This can be a downward spiral when combined with other symptoms such as lack of energy and difficulty with concentration. For instance, if a person has been unable to keep the house clean or finish assignments at work, he or she may look to that as proof that he or she is a bad person. The more things do not get done at home or work, the worse a person feels about him or herself. In reality, the person has problems at home and work because of the effects of a depressive illness, not because he or she is a “bad person.”

Diagnostically, a person would experience feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day for a period of two weeks in order to meet criteria for major depression. However, beliefs or thoughts that do not meet the criteria for major depression include feeling blame for being ill and not meeting personal responsibilities as a result of clinical depression.”  [whohit]Feeling-worthless-or-guilty[/whohit]

Bucket Lists?

Are bucket lists a good idea?

I’ve been debating to make one or not. I haven’t been well for a while and during the darker times been suicidal.  So is creating a bucket list a reason to live to accomplish the list or a morbid thought of death, and what then happens if i ever get to complete my list?

There are lots of things i would like to do or try and creating a bucket might help me to do this as people may see it and get in touch. It’d give me something to look forward to, something to build myself up for and would help get me out the flat. Since the breakdown I’ve started to realize that real life isn’t as scary as the thoughts in my head. I don’t know if that’s new found confidence or just a ‘What the hell to the risks.’

On searching the internet there are hundreds of thousands of bucket lists out there each person creating there own individual lists. Although somethings that would go on my list I’d doubt I’ll ever be given the opportunity to do and other things may seem simple and easy for some would be a challenge or a personal goal for me. I don’t have the best confidence ever in fact would rather hide away from things, but having a list that others can see and push me to complete or help me, people might even want to join in with some of the antics. So i guess Bucket lists aren’t a bad idea after all. I guess it’s a matter of perception. If only we could please everyone at the same time.  [whohit]Bucket-Lists[/whohit]

Waking up with an Anxiety disorder

I wake up most morning normally with a jump/start and so the day beings. Every morning starts with physical symptoms,  a racing heart and shakiness. The shakiness has calmed down a lot since November, but still affects my life in a massive way. The GP Has put me on Beta Blockers to slow my heart down so I’m not in such a panic state all the time, and although it does have a large affect it it is still very noticeable.

I’m so scared of what the future may hold. my life was turned upside down by Greater Manchester Police, through no fault of my own. If i had done something i could understand it, but i didn’t and nothing can stop it happening again. So scared of going out, every where i go now i always purchase something along the way so i have receipts i.e. a paper trail, to follow so people cant say i was some where else. This is not a nice way to live.

After getting up and checking each room in the flat (just to make sure no one is there) i have my morning brew and my cocktail of medicines, all prescribed by the GP. It’ll normally take me a couple of hours for me to calm down and stop panicking after waking up before I’m able to do anything productive. On really bad days I’m just pacing the flat back and fourth, if the fight or flight response is too difficult to ignore. Then i will go for a morning walk around the block, Mainly to check that there are no Police around (a fall out from November again).

Once I’m calmer and more in a stable state of mind then i can get up and do things, not massive things everyday things like washing and cleaning.  At the moment I’m only really going out the flat either for a walk to calm me down (which doesn’t stray to far from the flat), or I’m going to GP, Hospital, or Counseling appointments. All the fun stuff i used to do like go shopping, Going out with Mike on the Bike, or going to Transport Festivals. I no longer do in case i meet a police officer, i don’t know how I’d react. I’d have a panic attack and either run away, causing the officer to chase, or the officer would have to deal with my panic attacks calling paramedics and probably causing more stress. Hopefully next couple of weeks I’ll try and get to the Bury Transport Museum or Manchester’s Transport Museum. Used to love both of them. But depends on my state of mind and current financials (living on benefits is not as easy as people make out, but that’s for another blog maybe).

Most days is me trying to find things to take my mind of things, e.g. Baking cakes, Puzzles or computer games and of course my Blog (hello there my dear readers 🙂 ). Other days after waking up i don’t feel i can keep myself safe, in a sense that I’ll lash out at something or go do something silly, So I’ll just stay in bed and try and sleep cause tomorrow has to be better. Mike by other half is brilliant on these days always keeping me engaged and keeping an eye on me.  [whohit]Waking-up-with-anxiety-disorder[/whohit]




Surgery Required?

I have had problems with my knees for years from a young age when i was diagnosed with Osgood Schlatters Disease. Since then my knees have gotten worse.

Back in 2010 i had to have my left Knee reconstructed. This was due to me snapping all the ligaments in my knee and this let the kneecap ‘Float’ free. So had to have the knee reconstructed and pinned into place. I Had 44 Staples, 3 screws and 6 internal staples put in. The knee kept giving way causing me to fall.  I had the Surgery in April and was house bound for 5 months and in physiotherapy for a year. Although the knee is a lot better it still has some issues, but overall the surgery was a success. Was also told that in the future the other knee may need surgery.

This year my right knee starting playing up kept giving way or locking in position, which required several trips via ambulance to hospital. Have had X-rays and MRI scan on the right knee and Surgeon wants to operate and do a full reconstruction like i had in 2010.

However, I’m not sure if i want to have it done. I always said after the left knee reconstruction that i would never have the other one done. Yes it is causing issues and normally if i was in good health otherwise i would have it done. But this year i’m having a number of serious Mental health issues and I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to have the operation and go through the recovery at the moment.

I have spoken with my GP & my NHS Counselor about my concerns and they both said to go with what the surgeon suggests, but not not sure the surgeon knows the Mental Health issues. If i don’t have the operation now, then i will need to have it in the future.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Really not sure what to do for the best….  [whohit]Surgery-Required[/whohit]

What have you done today to make yourself feel Proud?

Well Have had a busy morning, busy for me anyway. I went out and went to the Local GMP Police Station. To get a second form for the Professional Police Standards Branch for me to sign. Huge accomplishment going to the police station. Had a massive panic once i had got home, but thankfully not while out and about. Had to have a couple of days to build myself up to it.

Also Posted a couple of letters and had a short walk. For someone who suffers PTSD and anxiety this is a huge accomplishment. Feeling proud of myself. Haven’t really left the flat for 10 months. Need to try and get out more and start doing the things i enjoy again.  [whohit]What-have-you-done-today…[/whohit]


Terrified of the Police

Yep as Silly as it sounds I’m terrified of the police. Due to the events in November 2013 (see my previous blog). I’m scared of the police. I have lost all trust and faith in Greater Manchester Police and UK policing as a whole.  I do have an anxiety disorder and do suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

I used to hold the UK  Police in the highest esteem, never had problems with them, always helpful and were there when needed, esp during my Domestic abuse issues from a previous partner.  The police could do no wrong in my eyes they were the pillars of the community. Yes i had heard horror stories and of things going wrong with other people before, but hadn’t seen it myself. I would love to go to Police Station open days look around their Vehicles and in Manchester they even have 999 Emergency Day, when all the emergency services show off their kit and you can get up close and personal.

But since 2013, this safety net has gone, there is no one to help anymore. If i was a victim of an attack or a crime, i don’t think id report it. Whats the point? just leads to more stress and anxiety. I would rather cross the road and walk through a large crowd then walk past a Police officer. We are taught from a very young age that we can always talk to the police, they are always there to help. But when it goes wrong and the trust breaks down. Then your on your own. I have tried to get myself used to the police again, but its a struggle. No matter where you go these days there will be police about, so I haven’t really left the flat in 10 Months.

When your safety net is destroyed, how do you stop yourself from falling?  [whohit]Terrified-of-the-police[/whohit]


My Nervous Breakdown

This is what has happened and why I’m now a nervous wreck.

I’ve been unwell for couple of months were I haven’t been eating alot and been having stomach problems. I then found a lump on my bottom so went to see GP. Was sent to Hospital as Doctor has concerns it might be cancer esp after the history in my family.

They did a colonoscopy and found a further 2 small growths in my bowel, so had these removed and still awaiting test results (can be up to 3 months). During all this we were getting nuisance calls on the landline, which kept waking me up while I was trying to recover from the operation.

We made a complaint company in question, then started causing issues (This was on a Thursday 2 weeks after the colonoscopy). So we thought we’d go out for a nice evening on Friday I then got hit by a HGV while I was walking on the pavement. It was turning into Morrison’s loading bay and the trailer swung out and hit me. No serious injures just a bruised elbow.

At the same time I was getting hit by the HGV Mike was on the phone to his mum, who was saying she had collapsed and been on the floor for 2 days at her home. So was a lot happening all at once.

The Saturday and Sunday were very sore and uneasy times.

Due to my illness I have been sleeping a lot more and was woken up on the Monday 25th November 2013 by 3 Police Officers banging on the door to the flat. I was half asleep and very groggy from the medication I was on. They came into the flat and started asking about Mikes motorbike, where was it, did I have keys to it, did I ride it. Then they wanted to know where Mike was, So told them I thought he was at work and gave all the details of it. They then asked me for a photo of Mike. At that point I thought I was identifying a body. Not once did they say he was ok.

While I was dealing with one officer the other 2 were looking around the flat and going through my stuff. They then left me with a note to pass to mike so he could contact them. Still didn’t say he was ok, so now thinking his bike had been involved in a crash and he was lying injured somewhere. I kept trying to call mike but as he was at work he couldn’t answer the phone. After 4 or 5 hours I did get hold of him, and told him about the police so he then started trying to call the police from his work. So wasn’t until 10pm that I actually saw him and knew he was ok.

He still kept trying to contact them Monday night and was told several times, there is no record of anything against him or his bike and they couldn’t tell him why 3 police officers are looking for him.

On the Tuesday morning I was woken up again by the police at 10:30am banging on the door to the flat. Mike hadn’t left for work yet so was still here. The police arrested him on the spot for suspicion of Burglary.

They then started carrying out a full search of the flat, going through everything looking for evidence and they had told us they had already seen items that they wanted to seize. They didn’t have a warrant for the search but because the arrest took place in the property it allows them to search it apparently. They also provided no paperwork for anything siezed.

We were both in the living room and told to sit separately Mike in the armchair and me on the sofa. I then started having a massive panic attack during all this understandably. The police wouldn’t tell us anything, so we didn’t know what was happening or why he had been arrested. Mike has either been with me or at work, so really didn’t understand anything.

The Panic attack was one of the most serve I’ve had. I was visible shaking, sweating and struggling to breath. The police weren’t that concerned with me they were here for Mike and had got him.

They Then took Mike away and I thought I’d never see him again as I thought he’d be taken to the station, charged and be before a court in the morning and sent to prison. When they took him away they said they’d go to Bury Police Station and then decide where to take him. So I had no clue where he was. My mind was racing due to the panic attack and was thinking the most awful things were happening to Mike. A couple of hours after the police and Mike had left I was still struggling for breath so called the NHS helpline on 111 and they told be to go straight to the doctors, which I did, I was given medication (emergency Tranquilizers) to calm me down and then came back to the flat to be by the phone, so I could wait for news.

It wasn’t until around 10pm on Tuesday that Mike got back from the police station. He hadn’t been charged but had been put on police bail for 2 weeks while they continue there investigations. I was still in a state when Mike got home and I kept passing out and showing a lot of worrying symptoms. So Mike called an ambulance at around 1am Wednesday morning and I was rushed into hospital with a suspected allergic reaction to the Medication the doctor had given me on Tuesday afternoon. So we didn’t get back from the hospital until around 6am.

Due to all this I still didn’t know what was going on with the Police and Mike until later on Wednesday when we could compare the experiences. It was because his bike was seen in a car park near to where a burglary took place, they had mike on CCTV but didn’t go anywhere other than into the supermarket and then across the car park to the petrol station. But because the supermarket couldn’t find the CCTV from the petrol station, he was then arrested held for over 9 hours and then bailed for 2 weeks, as the Burglary had happened there.

After the 2 weeks and when we went to the police station to answer his bail. They said they had now found the CCTV and that there will be no further action against mike, ‘a case of wrong place wrong time’ as the police said – They still didn’t provide any paperwork though.

During the time Mike was in custody he kept asking the Police to check on me but they never did. The police didn’t follow a lot of the their own procedures and policies. We have lodged a formal complaint about how we where both treated and this is still ongoing and now causing issues itself.

Due to all of this I have had a complete nervous breakdown, I’m unable to stop shaking since the police came back in November, very jumpy, have panic attacks daily. Seen the doctor and on more medication with counseling being referred too. The police have now put both me and Mike on an ‘At risk Register’ for vulnerable adults. Still taking it day by day so far I’m scared to be in the flat, scared to go out. even scared of the phone and internet.

I’ve tried arranging a visit to the local police station to go through my concerns and ‘nightmares’ so i can see the police arn’t as bad as i fear or imagine and that they are there to help and reassure people, but to date they have not agreed and keep fobbing me off.

The Above was Written on 12th January 2014  [whohit]My-Nervous-Breakdown[/whohit]