Life has Stopped

3 Years ago my life came crashing down around me and hasn’t really moved on from there. Greater Manchester Police have ruined my life! I don’t blame the individual officers but the force as a whole. It could have and should have been dealt with differently. Maybe if it it had Greater Manchester Police wouldn’t be a destroyer of lives. (sorry have really strong views on this)

We are 3 Years on from my Nervous breakdown and i’m in two minds. Yes I have moved forward since then and my anxiety, Depression and PTSD have improved on what they used to be. I know I still suffer greatly and this is has stopped my life in my tracks. People keep telling me i’m in a better place and have improved since 2013, but I’m not myself. I know i’ll never be the same person I used to be in 2013 but I’m struggling to find myself again.

Anxiety, really does rule your life. You have to try and plan everything, e.g. planning on what clothes you wear, I suffer from anxiety sweats so need to plan ahead. You gotta plan escape routes and where places of safety are if i should have a panic attack during the trip out. People who don’t suffer from anxiety are unable to understand how much it rules your life. Add in depression and PTSD flashbacks it is a constant battle.

Mental Health care in the NHS is not handled well. (coming from first hand experience) Everyone wants to “help” by giving you strategies to cope with anxiety, depression and PTSD. Not once has anyone sat down and tried to talk to me about what the causes of it are. So i’ll always be left with the causes and not being able to correct/deal with them, but just to cope with the anxiety and depression that affects me now. I understand we cant go back in time and change things, but i need to try and understand what happened. So far its been, don’t think about it, lock the memory away and throw the key away. So rather than acknowledging and knowing my feelings its just switching everything off and leaving me feeling numb to everything.

Life should not be like this, no one should live like this.


Struggling to be heard….

Its so difficult to be heard when and believed when you have mental health issues. Really is shocking and horrible the way people treat me. I always tell the truth and never been in trouble, yet as soon as people hear that you have Mental Health issues they write you off. They tell you ‘the way it is’ and ‘what happened’ and don’t believe you no matter how many times you tell.

I have no trust, faith or respect for Greater Manchester Police . They really our poor when it comes to the duty of care of people and with people who have Mental health problems. Since a young age i’ve always respected the police and believed they were there to help. In fact they did help when I was the victim of domestic abuse and during that time i couldn’t fault them. I’ve always tried to be a good person and reported anything suspicious to the police and called in when i’ve witnessed accidents or crimes. But now after the treatment i’ve received i’ve lost all faith in them and thing they are only there to cause issues for people. They were a safety net like all emergency services but now thats gone. I try to avoid anything to do with police now. They really have ground me down and there attempts to put things right only made things worse and they never believe my version on events. Its now to your on medication or your not thinking right. I am scared to leave the flat or go to events that i used to enjoy incase there are police there. As i now know they don’t need evidence or anything to ruin peoples lives. I’ll never forgive or forget they way they made be think my Partner had been killed, how can any human being do that to someone.

Its not just the police that its hard to get through to. So medical professionals are the same they just write you off, number of times i’ve come back from seeing the Doctors in tears and thinking i’m about to be carted off to the nut house. It’s very difficult to get your voice heard.

Sometimes i just want to scream and make a scene just to be heard.

Getting Help with Mental Health….or not…

It is scary, when you need help and there’s no-one there.

There are charities and organizations out there:

Anxiety UK

Mind Charity

Time to Change


Unfortunately I have found that a lot of the help out there you have to go and find yourself. When your nervous of social situations and terrified of using the telephone it doesn’t help. Quite often it feels like you just have to be quiet and get on with it but not disturb anyone else with it. Which in the 21st Century is really disgusting!

We had the Greater Manchester Police (GMP) come to our flat as they were ‘Concerned for our welfare’ back in February 2014. We were put on a ‘Vulnerable Adults list’ Were told we’d get a social worker and guess what, nothing happened.

My Doctors Surgery depending on which doctor you see sometimes helps. But when going in and being asked “How can i help you?” when you’ve explained everything going on, doesn’t really help, if i could cope and knew how to fix it i would have already. Trying to get medication from them is difficult as well, because the medication is strong, it cant be put on repeat prescription, i have get an appointment and go into the surgery every time to see the doctor. Which i can understand. But there are no appointments available currently and they would re-order medication over the phone (understandably), but leaves me without medication. So all the work and progress i’ve made could be unravelled.

My Local Council ‘Bury County Council’ Doesn’t seem to have anything set up for people with Mental health Issues, not that i have found. I have asked them on numerous occasions through a variety of different means and they have responded with silence. As with a lot of services is they do have anything its either not on there website or hidden away under loads of different options. The Mind Charity has recently written a report which reveals an ‘Unacceptably low spending on public Mental Health.’ (See the report Here).

Although i agree at times i’m not able to accomplish anything but with the proper help and support not just me but other sufferers would be able to recover or at least cope better with the Issues and get back into society which surely would be good for everywhere. Why people see Mental health as a taboo and something to be brushed away out of sight is beyond me. Hopefully attitudes will change.

A Step forward….

WOW! What a week, I’ve had. Certainly impressed and proud of myself (something very unusual these days.)

My Parents came up from London, to visit me and my boyfriend, to see how were are doing and to say hello. We had a fabulous time. We went out for meals and went and showed them parts of our city. Lots of people, crowds and noises and coped really well. Did so much, that was so afraid of. Managed huge crowds, being close to police Officers from GMP (Greater Manchester Police) and getting out the flat. Really did have a lovely weather for it too.

We went to the World Famous Bury Market, had a lovely time wandering round. Didn’t have too many issues. While we had a break from the market, we were sat having tea and coffee, and the next table called over a Police Officer who was passing by, to talk to them and although my anxiety & PTSD went through the roof and I had the shakes. I didn’t have a full blown panic attack. Which is a first, esp being that close to a Police Officer. We later went into a local Poundworld and all over the store (Sometimes hidden), they had cardboard cut outs of police officers around the shop. There was one in particular that really did scare me as I just caught it out the corner of my eye. I panicked Swore out loud and literally jumped into this poor lady doing here shopping. Had to apologise and felt so guilty about it. But I calmed down and was able to carry on. The Panic passed really quickly. I even Managed to get a photo taken of me standing next to one of the cardboard “Police Officers.” Sounds really silly, and others wouldn’t give it a second thought but boy it took me some courage. Really pleased and proud of myself for doing it.

The Next day we had a lovely day out in Salford Quays & Media City. Seeing the ITV & BBC Studios and visiting the Lowry outlet Mall (Love the Cadbury shop there), and visited the Imperial War Museum North.

Still a long way to go, but shows I’m coping a lot better.


The Internet is a lifeline….

The Internet is a lifeline for people who suffer from Mental Health Issues. You can have loads of support from friends and family, but if you’re terrified of social situations it can be very difficult to meet for a coffee or even talk on the phone. People do take it for granted that its easy to walk down to the shops, do your shopping and head back. but when you Suffer from PTSD and scared of the Police (GMP – Greater Manchester Police), like I am. Every time you go out. Its takes hours of planning and building yourself up, not just mentally but physically as well. When i’m having an Anxiety attack, then i’m sweating and shaking profusely and takes a while before i can calm down and build the confidence to head out.

On Days where anxiety is too high or confidence is too low (or both), The internet is a lifeline. It allows you to connect not just to friends, family but online friends and sometimes more importantly other sufferers who are going through what you are. Knowing that its not just you and that other people know exactly how you feel and what your going through, not only helps boost your confidence but you share coping strategies.

I suffer from not only Depression, but Anxiety, Panic attacks and PTSD, as well as some other medical issues. During the course of the day with so much affecting me, my moods can be all over the place. So having access to the internet and my own network of coping strategies (My Blog, Member of several groups, Facebook, Twitter, email etc..) it is an outlet and a release. From one minute to another my mood can change.

I have found that do tend to bottle feelings, emotions and thoughts up inside, and have found it does not help or work and gets ya into a bigger mess and more of a state. However I do find sharing my thoughts and feelings online can be a huge release. It might be difficult and worrying for people to read, but its much better that i’m talking about these feelings and sharing rather than cutting myself off and letting the thoughts fester.  [whohit]Internet-is-a-lifeline[/whohit]


life preserver

Sleeping Issues

Been having a huge amount of Sleeping problems since the events in November 2013. I used to struggle to function if i didn’t get a good 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night, would wake up grumpy and tired if i didn’t. But for the past 10 Months I’d be lucky to get 6 hours a night. And even then its not full restful sleep. Its unbroken and difficult. Although on the plus side do get to see some lovely Sunrises over Manchester as I’m still awake as the sun comes up (chance for a Twitter or Facebook upload).

Suffering from lack of sleep is horrible. It brings your mood down, you cant concentrate on anything. Everything is so much effort and there is just no motivation at all to do anything.

I’ve been having Counseling through Bury IAPT services for the past 3 or 4 months to help with my flashbacks and nightmares that started after my breakdown.  This has helped to control my nightmares and Flashbacks but they still appear from time to time, Classic symptoms of PTSD. The main flashback that troubles me is one of the memories i had when Greater Manchester Police (GMP), first came to the flat and made me think that my Fiancee and love of my love had died. Its of a police officer that was stood in my the flat. in a certain stance, he was wearing full police uniform including high-vis jacket. And had his arms up holding onto the top of his stab vest. This image haunts me. The Police tell me Officers stand like that cause its more comfortable as the stab vest and equipment they have is uncomfortable. But i saw it as a very aggressive stance. It looks like his fists were up and ready for a fight and he was ready to launch at me any moment.

The Nightmares are truly awful, waking up covered in sweat, heart pounding, jumping up and screaming. The nightmares although were different in scene setting, people in them but there are 3 main themes which keeping troubling me and keep coming up time and time again. The first one is seeing Police in my nightmares, this would start of my anxiety/panic attacks and after waking i wouldn’t have a chance of getting back to sleep. On numerous occasions the Nightmare of the Police raiding the flat or me opening the door to see a policeman there, would require me to get dressed and walk around the block to confirm that there are no Police nearby, this sometimes stops the panic attacks but rarely stops the anxiety attacks. The policeman is always the same, same face, doesn’t matter what I’m dreaming about he’ll walk my nightmares to find me. The second theme again stems from the PTSD and the thought that my other half had died. In the nightmares I’m loosing someone close to me. friends, family the person who dies or goes missing is always different but the emotions and feeling of loss just brings me back to the way GMP left me in November after the first visit they paid me. The emotion and feeling of loss is huge and very dark, Some very dark places and thoughts come after these nightmares. The 3rd theme is quite simply fear. Just being afraid scared of everything and anyone, again down to GMP and me loosing my ‘safety net’, no-one is there to help or protect me and this leaves me feeling very alone, very vulnerable and very scared.

At the moment i have no sleep routine, I sleep when i can and when needed. I still try and go to bed and sleep but normally just lie there for hours in between 20 minute power naps. I’m constantly tired and not through lack of trying to sleep. Back in December the GP put me on medication (Zopiclone), some strong sleeping tablets. I was only allowed that one prescription of it (28 tablets) due to them being addictive. They did allow me to sleep for a good uninterrupted, restful time.

Although the flashbacks and nightmares have improved with the help of counseling. Its not just the sleeping that’s an issue. My Anxiety disorder is next on the list that i need to get help for. I’m actually scared/worried of waking up. As silly as it sounds, but when I’m asleep, no one can hurt me. There is less people about at night and generally less noise so allows me to get things done and completed without jumping at every noise from outside or elsewhere in the building. In November the 2 days the Police arrived at the flat they woke me up and got me out of bed. So I’m extremely anxious in the mornings. This could be why i stay up all night before going to sleep when the sun comes out. Then again when my Partner Mike was having his flashbacks/rough/dark times they generally were at night. So I’m not sleeping as heavily as i was to listen out to keep me eye on him.

So really my Sleeping issues are a mess. And that’s just the mental health side of things troubling me when i try to sleep. Not to mention the back or knee pains.  [whohit]Sleeping-issues[/whohit]

Waking up with an Anxiety disorder

I wake up most morning normally with a jump/start and so the day beings. Every morning starts with physical symptoms,  a racing heart and shakiness. The shakiness has calmed down a lot since November, but still affects my life in a massive way. The GP Has put me on Beta Blockers to slow my heart down so I’m not in such a panic state all the time, and although it does have a large affect it it is still very noticeable.

I’m so scared of what the future may hold. my life was turned upside down by Greater Manchester Police, through no fault of my own. If i had done something i could understand it, but i didn’t and nothing can stop it happening again. So scared of going out, every where i go now i always purchase something along the way so i have receipts i.e. a paper trail, to follow so people cant say i was some where else. This is not a nice way to live.

After getting up and checking each room in the flat (just to make sure no one is there) i have my morning brew and my cocktail of medicines, all prescribed by the GP. It’ll normally take me a couple of hours for me to calm down and stop panicking after waking up before I’m able to do anything productive. On really bad days I’m just pacing the flat back and fourth, if the fight or flight response is too difficult to ignore. Then i will go for a morning walk around the block, Mainly to check that there are no Police around (a fall out from November again).

Once I’m calmer and more in a stable state of mind then i can get up and do things, not massive things everyday things like washing and cleaning.  At the moment I’m only really going out the flat either for a walk to calm me down (which doesn’t stray to far from the flat), or I’m going to GP, Hospital, or Counseling appointments. All the fun stuff i used to do like go shopping, Going out with Mike on the Bike, or going to Transport Festivals. I no longer do in case i meet a police officer, i don’t know how I’d react. I’d have a panic attack and either run away, causing the officer to chase, or the officer would have to deal with my panic attacks calling paramedics and probably causing more stress. Hopefully next couple of weeks I’ll try and get to the Bury Transport Museum or Manchester’s Transport Museum. Used to love both of them. But depends on my state of mind and current financials (living on benefits is not as easy as people make out, but that’s for another blog maybe).

Most days is me trying to find things to take my mind of things, e.g. Baking cakes, Puzzles or computer games and of course my Blog (hello there my dear readers 🙂 ). Other days after waking up i don’t feel i can keep myself safe, in a sense that I’ll lash out at something or go do something silly, So I’ll just stay in bed and try and sleep cause tomorrow has to be better. Mike by other half is brilliant on these days always keeping me engaged and keeping an eye on me.  [whohit]Waking-up-with-anxiety-disorder[/whohit]




What have you done today to make yourself feel Proud?

Well Have had a busy morning, busy for me anyway. I went out and went to the Local GMP Police Station. To get a second form for the Professional Police Standards Branch for me to sign. Huge accomplishment going to the police station. Had a massive panic once i had got home, but thankfully not while out and about. Had to have a couple of days to build myself up to it.

Also Posted a couple of letters and had a short walk. For someone who suffers PTSD and anxiety this is a huge accomplishment. Feeling proud of myself. Haven’t really left the flat for 10 months. Need to try and get out more and start doing the things i enjoy again.  [whohit]What-have-you-done-today…[/whohit]


Terrified of the Police

Yep as Silly as it sounds I’m terrified of the police. Due to the events in November 2013 (see my previous blog). I’m scared of the police. I have lost all trust and faith in Greater Manchester Police and UK policing as a whole.  I do have an anxiety disorder and do suffer from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

I used to hold the UK  Police in the highest esteem, never had problems with them, always helpful and were there when needed, esp during my Domestic abuse issues from a previous partner.  The police could do no wrong in my eyes they were the pillars of the community. Yes i had heard horror stories and of things going wrong with other people before, but hadn’t seen it myself. I would love to go to Police Station open days look around their Vehicles and in Manchester they even have 999 Emergency Day, when all the emergency services show off their kit and you can get up close and personal.

But since 2013, this safety net has gone, there is no one to help anymore. If i was a victim of an attack or a crime, i don’t think id report it. Whats the point? just leads to more stress and anxiety. I would rather cross the road and walk through a large crowd then walk past a Police officer. We are taught from a very young age that we can always talk to the police, they are always there to help. But when it goes wrong and the trust breaks down. Then your on your own. I have tried to get myself used to the police again, but its a struggle. No matter where you go these days there will be police about, so I haven’t really left the flat in 10 Months.

When your safety net is destroyed, how do you stop yourself from falling?  [whohit]Terrified-of-the-police[/whohit]


My Nervous Breakdown

This is what has happened and why I’m now a nervous wreck.

I’ve been unwell for couple of months were I haven’t been eating alot and been having stomach problems. I then found a lump on my bottom so went to see GP. Was sent to Hospital as Doctor has concerns it might be cancer esp after the history in my family.

They did a colonoscopy and found a further 2 small growths in my bowel, so had these removed and still awaiting test results (can be up to 3 months). During all this we were getting nuisance calls on the landline, which kept waking me up while I was trying to recover from the operation.

We made a complaint company in question, then started causing issues (This was on a Thursday 2 weeks after the colonoscopy). So we thought we’d go out for a nice evening on Friday I then got hit by a HGV while I was walking on the pavement. It was turning into Morrison’s loading bay and the trailer swung out and hit me. No serious injures just a bruised elbow.

At the same time I was getting hit by the HGV Mike was on the phone to his mum, who was saying she had collapsed and been on the floor for 2 days at her home. So was a lot happening all at once.

The Saturday and Sunday were very sore and uneasy times.

Due to my illness I have been sleeping a lot more and was woken up on the Monday 25th November 2013 by 3 Police Officers banging on the door to the flat. I was half asleep and very groggy from the medication I was on. They came into the flat and started asking about Mikes motorbike, where was it, did I have keys to it, did I ride it. Then they wanted to know where Mike was, So told them I thought he was at work and gave all the details of it. They then asked me for a photo of Mike. At that point I thought I was identifying a body. Not once did they say he was ok.

While I was dealing with one officer the other 2 were looking around the flat and going through my stuff. They then left me with a note to pass to mike so he could contact them. Still didn’t say he was ok, so now thinking his bike had been involved in a crash and he was lying injured somewhere. I kept trying to call mike but as he was at work he couldn’t answer the phone. After 4 or 5 hours I did get hold of him, and told him about the police so he then started trying to call the police from his work. So wasn’t until 10pm that I actually saw him and knew he was ok.

He still kept trying to contact them Monday night and was told several times, there is no record of anything against him or his bike and they couldn’t tell him why 3 police officers are looking for him.

On the Tuesday morning I was woken up again by the police at 10:30am banging on the door to the flat. Mike hadn’t left for work yet so was still here. The police arrested him on the spot for suspicion of Burglary.

They then started carrying out a full search of the flat, going through everything looking for evidence and they had told us they had already seen items that they wanted to seize. They didn’t have a warrant for the search but because the arrest took place in the property it allows them to search it apparently. They also provided no paperwork for anything siezed.

We were both in the living room and told to sit separately Mike in the armchair and me on the sofa. I then started having a massive panic attack during all this understandably. The police wouldn’t tell us anything, so we didn’t know what was happening or why he had been arrested. Mike has either been with me or at work, so really didn’t understand anything.

The Panic attack was one of the most serve I’ve had. I was visible shaking, sweating and struggling to breath. The police weren’t that concerned with me they were here for Mike and had got him.

They Then took Mike away and I thought I’d never see him again as I thought he’d be taken to the station, charged and be before a court in the morning and sent to prison. When they took him away they said they’d go to Bury Police Station and then decide where to take him. So I had no clue where he was. My mind was racing due to the panic attack and was thinking the most awful things were happening to Mike. A couple of hours after the police and Mike had left I was still struggling for breath so called the NHS helpline on 111 and they told be to go straight to the doctors, which I did, I was given medication (emergency Tranquilizers) to calm me down and then came back to the flat to be by the phone, so I could wait for news.

It wasn’t until around 10pm on Tuesday that Mike got back from the police station. He hadn’t been charged but had been put on police bail for 2 weeks while they continue there investigations. I was still in a state when Mike got home and I kept passing out and showing a lot of worrying symptoms. So Mike called an ambulance at around 1am Wednesday morning and I was rushed into hospital with a suspected allergic reaction to the Medication the doctor had given me on Tuesday afternoon. So we didn’t get back from the hospital until around 6am.

Due to all this I still didn’t know what was going on with the Police and Mike until later on Wednesday when we could compare the experiences. It was because his bike was seen in a car park near to where a burglary took place, they had mike on CCTV but didn’t go anywhere other than into the supermarket and then across the car park to the petrol station. But because the supermarket couldn’t find the CCTV from the petrol station, he was then arrested held for over 9 hours and then bailed for 2 weeks, as the Burglary had happened there.

After the 2 weeks and when we went to the police station to answer his bail. They said they had now found the CCTV and that there will be no further action against mike, ‘a case of wrong place wrong time’ as the police said – They still didn’t provide any paperwork though.

During the time Mike was in custody he kept asking the Police to check on me but they never did. The police didn’t follow a lot of the their own procedures and policies. We have lodged a formal complaint about how we where both treated and this is still ongoing and now causing issues itself.

Due to all of this I have had a complete nervous breakdown, I’m unable to stop shaking since the police came back in November, very jumpy, have panic attacks daily. Seen the doctor and on more medication with counseling being referred too. The police have now put both me and Mike on an ‘At risk Register’ for vulnerable adults. Still taking it day by day so far I’m scared to be in the flat, scared to go out. even scared of the phone and internet.

I’ve tried arranging a visit to the local police station to go through my concerns and ‘nightmares’ so i can see the police arn’t as bad as i fear or imagine and that they are there to help and reassure people, but to date they have not agreed and keep fobbing me off.

The Above was Written on 12th January 2014  [whohit]My-Nervous-Breakdown[/whohit]