Trouble Communicating

I have trouble communicating. May sound very silly saying that while I’m writing a blog about my Road to Recovery. But communication isn’t just about talking. There’s hearing, talking, writing, feeling, expressing myself the list goes on, everyday we communicate with each other a vast number of ways and I have always struggled.


I am hard of hearing ans wear a hearing aid. I also suffer from tinnitus so being able to listen and understand people can be quite challenging at times especially in noisy environments.


I suffer from Dyslexia and I admit have quite bad handwriting. When writing anything wether it be online or on paper, I tend to use words that I know. If I struggle to spell something I’ll tend to go round the houses and waffle alot to get my point across. Yes I know there are spellcheckers available, but when you have dyslexia you don’t always ‘see’ the letters in the words in the correct order. I can read ok, but somewhere in my mind after taking the information on it gets scrambled and doesn’t necessarily come back out correctly. I’ve struggled with dyslexia all my life and despite what my previous work managers its not something that can be cured or something I will grow out of.


Ive always been a person who hides there feelings since being bullied at school and throughout my life. Its easier for me to lock away my feelings rather than deal with them. Feelings are a major way to communicate e.g. of your angry, upset etc.. Since my breakdown I have been on antidepressants and anxiety medications and this further numbs my feelings. However through counselling I’m starting to explore feelings again.


Again another one that seems strange for me to have difficulty with, having been in call centre jobs for almost 13 Years I’ve done a lot of talking on the phone, but that was business talk. Talking about me is whole different thing. I hate talking on the phone now days due to a number of factors, my long career of telephone jobs, my difficulties in hearing, the lack of seeing someone’s body language, anxiety to name a few. I don’t know what to say to people some times. At the moment I’m not working or socialising, so I don’t have a lot to say. I’m anxious I’ll say the wrong thing or my mood (which isn’t always uplifting!)  may come across. Its just easier to avoid things.

Expressing myself:

Its difficult for me to express myself due to the reasons above but also because I don’t have the confidence. I’m always afraid something bad will happen or what I’ve said or done will be taken in the wrong context. I’m not good, in fact I’m terrible in social settings. I’m always the quiet one stood in the corner of the room. I have a number of online friends that I know and chat to and would love to meet in person but with a lack of confidence and communication skills again its easier to avoid.


I do find that writing my blog posts or facebook/Twitter status is a big outlet for. There’s no time pressure, I can review things before I post them and in a way its how I can disconnect from myself to say how I’m feeling and share my anxieties.

Hopefully this post will give people a insight into myself and why I’m not always forthcoming with feelings, conversations or meeting up with people. Its not that o don’t care or that on lazy it genuinely is a struggle for me.

Invisible Disabilities

I suffer from a number of Invisible Disabilities including Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, being hard of hearing and having musculoskeletal disorders. On a good day people would never know, but there are times when some help is needed.

I’m very conscious of my disabilities and don’t like to let it show it. Probably stems from the stigma around mental health and people with disabilities and also my own feelings of not letting my disabilities affect my life. Everyone else can do it/things so why cant I. I’m sometimes my hardest critic. I don’t like to complain that i’m in pain, or saying I don’t feeling right, because that’s all I’ve ever known, just assumed that’s how everyone is. however through my counselling I’m starting to come to terms with things and starting to see things in a different light.

I Have seen that Transport for London is rolling out a campaign so people with hidden disabilities can wear a badge which says “Please offer me a Seat” BBC news Article I think this is a really good and useful idea. The only down side is that its only for London. I Sometimes struggle to stand for long periods and when travelling on public transport it isn’t always a smooth ride, as you are jostled about (no matter how good the driver), for me this can be very comfortable as my body moves one way or the other, the pressure on my knees and my muscles increases and decreases something I cant prepare for it and can cause more pain. I don’t like to attract attention and wouldn’t have the confidence to ask someone for a seat, even if they are sat in a ‘priority seat’ or a disabled seat. Cause like me they might have invisible disabilities themselves. So a badge would be a good idea. When I have had to rely on crutches to get about people have been more than willing to help me and offer seats, but i don’t always require crutches and being a 34 year old man people wouldn’t think that i’d be disabled.

With more awareness of invisible disabilities and illnesses the Metro News website did a great article of “Why are people with an invisible illnesses so scared to ask for a seat on public transport?” link to article here

So I’ve decided to take a very small step and order myself one of these:

16mm Round, Disabled Lapel Pin Badge

Invisible Disabilities are hidden, and not something to be proud of or to show off. But people wont know how to treat you if they are not aware. So a small disabled badge on my clothes, might not change anything, but some observant people might see it and may offer me a seat or help. Cant hurt to try?

Truthfully, I am ashamed that i’m disabled and that i’m a different to everyone else. But with counselling I’m realizing “Its OK to be Me” and I have to accept that I am disabled and shouldn’t be ashamed of it or ashamed of asking for help. I don’t think it’ll make a huge difference but even any small difference has to be worth it?

Domestic Abuse

Well this is going to be another very difficult post, so apologies for any rambling. I have chatted with numerous people about certain aspects of what happened, but i don’t think anyone knows the full in’s and out’s of the events.

In 2004 I moved from London to Manchester with my Partner at the time Steve. It was my first real long term relationship. We both managed to find jobs quite soon after moving to Manchester. However within the year, Steve had quit his job and was trying to find a new one. During this time I had to pay for everything, from Rent, Council tax, Gas, Electricity, phone bill and anything else that came up. We did have a number of good years in our relationship which made things worth while but then things started to break down between us and he was spending weekends and most of his time at his friends house Jimmy. Me and Steve decided to end our relationship and within a couple of months he moved his new boyfriend into the flat Jimmy. I was now paying for everything for 3 people. During this time i was practically left living in my bedroom in the flat. They controlled or were always using the front room. It was always promised that when Jimmy and Steve got jobs they would help out with the bills. However that never materialized, Jimmy did get a job, Steve never worked.. It wasn’t until 2010 when I was struggling with money and was noticing that they were buying new things, going out for meals, trips and going on holidays. So they had money but were effectively living off me. It was in 2011 things went extremely down hill.

In 2011 i had reached my limit and couldn’t carry on as i had before. So one evening After i came home from work, I had said to Steve that i needed to chat with him and Jimmy regarding moving to somewhere cheaper. At the time i was thinking all 3 of us would move into somewhere more affordable. However, the suggestion of moving out, made Steve and Jimmy quite angry i guess. Because after the casual conversation of saying i wanted to talk about moving out, i was given the silent treatment by both of them. Wouldn’t talk or even acknowledge me. I was still going to work but on coming home i was finding things damaged or broken in my room, even had cat poo spread over my mattress and bed. I was looking and found a nice flat for myself. I started buying things for the new flat which i kept in my room (toaster and kettle). Due to things being broken and things going missing, i locked things away in a set of draws. One day when i came home from work, I found that the set of draws and been broken into, I kept all my valuables, account details and important documents in there. This was the last straw, i had moved out and into my new flat within the week. I had hoped that would be an end to it, but it turned out that was the beginning.

A couple of days after moving into my new flat away from my ex-flatmates i started getting friends and family reporting they had received abusive messages from my accounts. Everyone one of my accounts had been ‘hacked’ with abusive messages written all over them and some nasty messages had been sent. I Managed to recover most of my accounts but there were a number that had been deleted before i could get access back to them. I had kept these account details in the draw that was broken into, lost a lot of important information and photos that i’ll never recover. On unpacking the Toaster and kettle that i had brought for the new flat i discovered they didn’t work. It wasn’t until my dad took the plugs apart that he found that the wiring had been tampered with, so both the kettle and toaster were “live” when plugged in. My Xbox 360 had wires inside cut, I had over 30 DVD’s and CD’s scratched and had abusive messages on them.

IMAG2972 IMAG2973

I Came home from work to my new flat and found that someone had attempted to break in, part of a key had been broken off in the lock, luckily no access was gained. I Contacted the police and they started to investigate. The next day i had been called into a disciplinary at work. As they ex-flatmates had sent emails to my manager with false reports, they were found to be incorrect and no further action was taking. I reported it again to the police and they started dealing with it as Domestic Abuse, due to mine and Steve’s past relationship. The police had contacted both Steve and Jimmy to advise them not to contact me, although this kind of worked the majority of things stopped, but somethings that they had done previously were still coming through. They had signed me up to various catalog companies and make purchases through it. Luckily i was able to get these stopped. They always signed me up to a Charity saying i need help, but i didn’t it was just to cause more stress and hassle. I Still to this day get intermittent messages to this day from them, but ignore them.

I must admit it is humiliating to know i put myself in that situation. By the time i realized what was happening, it was very hard to tell anyone or ask for help. So was just in a put up with it mood and hope it’ll get better, which it didn’t. Looking back on it now i feel so stupid for letting it happen. I know its not my fault, i didn’t ask for it, but at the same time i didn’t escape it, until it was too late and need the Police’s help. It is very embarrassing to admit that I am and will always be classed as a Domestic Abuse victim. Something i always thought that i’d never be, i’d never get into that situation. Life surprises you it sometimes lets things creep up. I Haven’t listed everything that happened or gone into to much details as it is still difficult to talk or think about even after 6 years. A lot of people will blame me for not doing things sooner and now i realize that i should of, but at the time i couldn’t see an exit. It is a scary thing to happen and a scary thing to admit that its happened to me.


Time to Talk Day 2017


About Time to Talk Day

 Conversations about mental health change lives.

At the moment, too many people with mental health problems are made to feel isolated, ashamed and worthless by other people’s reactions.But talking about mental health doesn’t need to be difficult. It can be as simple as making time to have a cup of tea or go for a walk, and listening to someone talk about how they feel.

Being open about mental health and ready to listen can make a positive difference to someone’s life.

“It’s #timetotalk because if you say something, you realise how many people around you haven’t, and needed to”

This is what Time to Talk Day is all about – giving us all the chance to talk and listen about mental health.

Whatever the hour, every conversation, every text, every share means more people are reached and more lives are changed.

To find out more click here