Been a long time since i did an update, mainly to be honest because I have been very overwhelmed. Have had appointments and hospital trips weekly.
Fibromyalgia – Been going to Fairfield general Hospital to their physiotherapy department to take part in ‘Pain Management Sessions’ has left me extremely sore and in lots of pain in places i didn’t know could hurt! I have been doing lots of different exercises, it is hoped that because my body is always in pain by doing these exercises it will help train my nerves and mind to recognise that I’m not doing any damage and there is no reason for them to send pain messages. it does seem very counter productive. Fibromyalgia causes widespread pain and doing exercise makes it worse, but hopefully it’ll improve my symptoms and pain levels in the long run, but right now i’d just settle for a single day without pain. I would say I used to be very active, but lately just doing the Washing up is killing me. all these exercises dont help with my Chronic Fatigue syndrome either. I feel like a zombie!
Autism – I have finally received my referral for ‘life coaching’ it is very early days but it looks promising although will be quite hard. It’s a 4 month programme and will hopefully improve my confidence and me learn new life skills that others take for granted. This will hopefully help me deal with situations and my autism without having a meltdown.
Mental Health – All the medical professionals that are trying to help me all agree that i still have Issues with the events of 2013 and that i did to work through that trauma. I Was referred to Bury Healthy minds for more counselling and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, however i have had to stop this while i go through the Life Coaching with the Autism team. As its felt that working on 2 types of therapy will not be helpful and could end up being confusing.
Surgery – I’m due to have surgery to have 3 wisdom teeth taken out. This will be in hospital under anaesthetic. Not looking forward to it, but will be good once done as it will stop some if not all of the dental pain i have and will hopefully stop any more infections.
So everythings a bit all over the place at the moment. It is affecting my depression and getting overwhelming but i’m trying to struggle through. Some days are better than others.
Had a difficult but good chat with my new counselor this morning during my telephone assessment. She really did listen and wasn’t just focused on the events of 2013 but my life as a whole.
She agreed that I need to talk things through, rather than have CBT therapy to fix my symptoms, as CBT doesn’t get to the root causes of my issues. As I tend to bottle things up we will be doing Psycho-dynamic Therapy.
(The aim of psycho-dynamic therapy is to bring the unconscious mind into consciousness – helping individuals to unravel, experiences and understand their true, deep-rooted feelings in order to resolve them). Wont be quick fix, we are talking 6 months plus.
But feeling positive and a lot of what she said to me, made sense and I Start the face to face sessions next week.
Well I’ve started having treatment through Healthy minds Bury. Only had one session so far.
Since my Breakdown in 2013 I’ve been asking and asking my GP and any mental health workers I come into contact with. Asking and sometimes pleading to have someone to talk to, someone i can discuss what happened, what i was feeling at the time, but no-one seems to want to listen to me. Everyone seems to want me to do CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy). In order to help treat and manage my anxiety, depression, PTSD symptoms. Which in time would help. however i cant shift the feeling that i cant work on controlling my symptoms until I understand whats causing it. I cannot go forward until i go back.
Healthy Minds Bury are doing a CBT treatment course with me. And i’ll be honest i’m not sure. I’ll give it a go and back it 100% but its not what i asked for and kinda think the problems will continue afterwards. I’ll only be getting six sessions, lasting 30 minutes each every 2 weeks. I Know the NHS is stretched and Mental Health services are not that well funded, but do think this is a little poor. People like myself who have “imploded” and have numerous issues are kind of stuck. You can only focus on one thing at a time, then you have to have a pause after the sessions have finished to give time for what you’ve learnt to sink in and for you to adjust, before you can start the next issue.
With the amount of issues i’m currently facing, its difficult to establish which symptoms i’m having is physical or mental health related, this is how i foundÂ out i had badly damaged my hearing. With so many different symptoms some of which overlap its difficult to try and focus on one particular issue.
It’s taken me almost 3 years to get some help and this is only one step. A very long road ahead.
Well things are starting to move forward again, after grinding to a halt.
I Have received my appointment for the Orthotics Department, Was referred to them back in January 2016 and was told of a 9-13 month waiting list, but its come through after 6 months months so hopefully will be able to help. Although i am meant to be doing physiotherapy along side this, but that still up in the air between the mental health team and the physio departments.
After speaking with my GP and saying i didn’t think that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) was right for me at this time. I was referred to the Healthy Minds team in Bury. And Have an assessment next week with a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner. Hopefully will be able to get someone for me to talk through things, as thats what i think i need and have been trying to get since 2013 without success.
Also Purchased a new pill box for myself:
As I Take 6 pills of different medication daily (42 a week, 168 a Month!) I kept getting confused with which ones I had or hadn’t taken that day. Put now can just have a quick look and i’ll know. Also saves lots of space as don’t have big boxes stacked on each other anymore.
After speaking with family down in London, Went to GP and told her that I didn’t think CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) Was right for me at this time, I needed someone I could talk through my thoughts and feelings with. So I Have been referred to ‘Healthy Minds Bury’, so will see what comes of that. Also mentioned that i’m having mood swings and that my mood is normally a bit flat / nonchalant mood. So have had my medication increased. (6 pills daily now).
Been going regularly to Bolton Hospital since January for the dizzy spells I’ve been having, from when IÂ fell and hit my head. Although they found that i had damaged and lost my some of my hearing, Reason why i know wear a hearing aid, but it seems that the dizzy spells i have been having are a symptom of anxiety, but GP didn’t want to do anything else as that’ll be for the Healthy Minds team and medication to help control.
So fingers crossed, hopefully be able to move forward again.
CBT: (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)
Had my first (and last) session yesterday. They are unable to help at the moment due to physical issues and high pain levels. As part of the CBT process involves mobility and as I’m in pain it will apparently distract me. So have to get my knees sorted before they will work on my mental state. However surgeons won’t help till my mental state is better. Catch 22. Waited 12 months for this to be told no, had it happened earlier i might have gotten it done.
Went to physio today. Very painful. Apparently I have issues with my hips to add to my knees and feet. They are weak and rotating my legs more than they should. Been given exercises to complete over the festive period and have to go back first week of January.
Doctors keeping my current meds the same but given me more pain killers. Takes my total of pills to 14 a day.lol
When i finished my last counselling session in 2014, i was starting to get back on track and finding my way again. The sessions helped with my PTSD. My flashbacks and nightmares were the biggest challenge at the time. Then in January 2015 i felt strong enough to get help for my next issues which was anxiety and my GP Referred me for CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Which I agreed was right for me at the time. However i was expecting a 12 month waiting list. I’m now 9 months in and social anxiety is my biggest issue, however I’m not sure that CBT is now right for me in my current state of mind. I think talking to someone about my anxieties and things that had happened in my past (domestic abuse and past issues) that seem to be running rampant around me mind at the moment.
I’m scared of saying anything to my GP or asking for different help, cause i really don’t know what is for the best. I don’t want to end up in the same situation, if i cancel or change the CBT, i might then go back on a waiting list for another 12 months and that wont help. But at the same time, doing counselling/CBT when your not ready for it or in the right frame of mind, is also dangerous. (Numerous GP’s and mental health people have said this).
I feel i’m not only letting myself down, but letting friends and family down. Everyone wants me to get better ASAP, even though there is no official timescales for recovery. I don’t want to be a burden, a worry or a cause of stress for anyone.
There is always the crisis team, which i know have helped others before, but without a GP or someone referring me, i feel like a fraud asking for help. I just don’t know what to do or where to go!
I was referred for Cognitive behavioural Therapy back in January 2015, i’m still waiting been told it wont be until November or december till i’m seen. This means it will have 14 months since my last therapy and its just not helpful. The progress and steps forward i feel i made in 2014 has been undone.
Went to the GP this morning, and was told after 2 Years since my breakdown in 2013, there’s nothing more they can do for me. I have to sort it out myself. Its a mental health issue and I’m the only one who can resolve it, i have to change the way i think and start improving.
Doesn’t really work like that, What does she think i’ve been doing for the past 2 years? clearly i’m struggling and not getting better fast and need help and assistance. Not to be told Sorry your on your own.
Since my breakdown in 2013, I had huge sleeping issues. Loads of nightmares and Flashbacks (PTSD) and really wasnt sleeping. I went for counselling in 2014 and we used an NLP approach (Neuro-linguistic programming), to try and get rid/reduce the unsettled nights. It worked the nightmares and flashbacks have ‘stopped’ and i’m no longing waking up in panic.
But it seems to have had a different side effects. I still appear to be having nightmares but the NLP approach stops me remembering them, which stops me waking up in panic. But lately I’ve been waking feeling very anxious and i’m not getting great sleep, lots of tossing and turning. Because i cant remember them, I don’t know what’s caused the anxiety so i can’t fight it or overcome it. Just have to put it down to nightmares and carry on.
Although the NLP approach has helped to stop the panic attacks and is allowing me to get some sleep, I don’t really know how to over come the current issues. Hopefully as treatment continues (on waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), it will help address these issues. Positive thinking anyway.
Been feeling very lost lately. Still having trouble planning for the future and my social anxiety seems to be getting worse. I don’t feel safe or comfortable going out the flat. Not sure where its come from. A Lot of it predictably is in my head, feel i’m being judged by everyone and i feel some how that i’ve got a big label hanging over me saying “Hes nuts, stay away.”
Have a lot of support on facebook, twitter and other sites i’m on across the internet. A Lot of people wanting to meet me and say hello. I’ve never been great at ‘first contacts’ and with my anxiety since my breakdown its a huge barrier. I would love to meet some people and get out more, its just trying to cross that barrier that’s difficult. I’m still on a waiting list for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), which has been months, hopefully will be able to chase it with the GP this week.
My Left knee has been acting up again. I had it reconstructed in 2010 and its been pretty good, but think it dislocated and popped back in, bruising and swelling suggests this too, GP’s given me lots of pain meds, but yet another barrier to getting out as i cant bear weight on it.
On the positive side of things during the late May bank holiday, i went with my BF and parents to Liverpool to see Cunards 150 Year anniversary 3 Queens event. Over 1 million people descended on Liverpool. There were crowds everywhere and tbh i didn’t cope great. Think i was able to mask a lot of it. but got to the stage where everyone was concerned and knew it was causing me issues (except for the crowd stewards who refused to help u, when we needed it).
Haven’t done an update in a while. Mainly because I’ve had nothing to report on. The benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) (vertigo) has improved alot since the doctor did his tests and exams. Still feeling very low on energy though. but the dizziness has subsided thankfully.
As for the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD, not much has changed. Have been focusing on the physical and getting them under control. So i’m not having too many panic attacks or burping fits as i used to. Sleep is still hit and miss, I am sleeping but wake up exhausted, not feeling any better for it. Still waiting for my referral for CBT to help.
I am having major problems with Social anxiety at the moment. Due to a mix of reasons. I feel safe in my home, I have gotten things under control, when i go out so much is out of my control. Things can go wrong so quickly and i don’t have any safety net or safe place to get to if i go out. Also i have stayed in and not been very active mainly due to the vertigo (BVVP) cant really go out and enjoy yourself if your dizzy. The good side though is now i’m getting over it and getting control of my physical symptoms.
I wish i had my confidence, to get out and meet more people. Its not that i haven’t had the offers, its just i’m way to scared.lol (Not as tough as my online persona shows). Unfortunately not every ‘gets it’ and think i’m just brushing them off, but i’m really not, would love to meet with some people, but just cant get over that hump to do it. Always had confidence issues.