Author Archives: Mikeyquake45

Starting to move forward again

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Well things are starting to move forward again, after grinding to a halt.

I Have received my appointment for the Orthotics Department, Was referred to them back in January 2016 and was told of a 9-13 month waiting list, but its come through after 6 months months so hopefully will be able to help. Although i am meant to be doing physiotherapy along side this, but that still up in the air between the mental health team and the physio departments.

After speaking with my GP and saying i didn’t think that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) was right for me at this time. I was referred to the Healthy Minds team in Bury. And Have an assessment next week with a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner. Hopefully will be able to get someone for me to talk through things, as thats what i think i need and have been trying to get since 2013 without success.

Also Purchased a new pill box for myself:

pillbox

As I Take 6 pills of different medication daily (42 a week, 168 a Month!) I kept getting confused with which ones I had or hadn’t taken that day. Put now can just have a quick look and i’ll know. Also saves lots of space as don’t have big boxes stacked on each other anymore.

All Small Things, but all positive.

Health Update

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Health Update:

CBT: (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)
Had my first (and last) session yesterday. They are unable to help at the moment due to physical issues and high pain levels. As part of the CBT process involves mobility and as I’m in pain it will apparently distract me. So have to get my knees sorted before they will work on my mental state. However surgeons won’t help till my mental state is better. Catch 22. Waited 12 months for this to be told no, had it happened earlier i might have gotten it done.

Physiotherapy:
Went to physio today. Very painful. Apparently I have issues with my hips to add to my knees and feet. They are weak and rotating my legs more than they should. Been given exercises to complete over the festive period and have to go back first week of January.

GP:
Doctors keeping my current meds the same but given me more pain killers. Takes my total of pills to 14 a day.lol

More Health issues to fight!

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Been to the Musculoskeletal Clinic at the hospital.

Feeling very sore after having my knee poked, prodded, pulled and stretched. My knee cap isn’t fitting in the groove of the knee joint. My Calfs muscles are not in control so are not puling the knee cap into place. I have flat feet and they twist outwards so this is rotating the knee and pulling the knee cap out of position. All of this is causing the pain and the crunching noise is the knee cap scrapping across the bones. as is being pulled and pushed in wrong directions.

Had 2 options available:
(1) Surgery, to cut some of the bone away in the knee and make the groove where the knee cap should sit larger. Would be done before christmas!
(2) Physiotherapy to strengthen and get back more control of my calve muscles. Also be referred to Podiatry to address the flat feet and my feet rotating outwards.

Due to current Mental issues we decided major surgery wasn’t really helpful. so going with option (2) Physiotherapy starts next thursday and been referred to Podiatry (currently 2 month waiting list) So long painful time to come.

Physical Illness Vs Mental Illness

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Mental Illness rules my life, whether i want it to or not. However I have been suffering alot of physical issues too. I never know it its part of my mental illness, or side effects of medication. Everytime i’ve gone to see the GP, my mental health has been my priority cause of the state i’m in. I have let things slide, they were only small issues that i could ignore as they weren’t a major issue. But now i got to the stage that they have all built up and now causing bigger issues.

I have also been afraid to speak to the GP about it as, i keep feeling it’ll just be boxed off as ‘Mental’ issues, but after speaking with my Doctor it turns out there was some serious issues:
– Got a fungal infection on my foot so been given some Daktacort Ointment to help clear it
– Had ringing in my ears since my collapse in 2013 when i knocked myself out. GP’s gonna refer me to the hospital to see an ENT specialist.
– Got 3 moles , 2 on my forehead and one on my side that have started to grow lumps. Doctors not worried so been booked in for minor surgery to have these removed. No date as yet
– Also having lot of pain in my knees and my reconstructed one ‘crunches’ when i bend it. So going back next week to GP for a full exam and so she can go through the x-rays from the hospital.

So hopefully well get some things sorted.

Advice, Assistance, Directions…

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instructions-directions-advice-assistance-four-way-intersectio-words-road-signs-intersection-to-help-you-find-42614989

I don’t know what to do for the best…

When i finished my last counselling session in 2014, i was starting to get back on track and finding my way again. The sessions helped with my PTSD. My flashbacks and nightmares were the biggest challenge at the time. Then in January 2015 i felt strong enough to get help for my next issues which was anxiety and my GP Referred me for CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Which I agreed was right for me at the time. However i was expecting a 12 month waiting list. I’m now 9 months in and social anxiety is my biggest issue, however I’m not sure that CBT is now right for me in my current state of mind. I think talking to someone about my anxieties and things that had happened in my past (domestic abuse and past issues) that seem to be running rampant around me mind at the moment.

I’m scared of saying anything to my GP or asking for different help, cause i really don’t know what is for the best. I don’t want to end up in the same situation, if i cancel or change the CBT, i might then go back on a waiting list for another 12 months and that wont help. But at the same time, doing counselling/CBT when your not ready for it or in the right frame of mind, is also dangerous. (Numerous GP’s and mental health people have said this).

I feel i’m not only letting myself down, but letting friends and family down. Everyone wants me to get better ASAP, even though there is no official timescales for recovery. I don’t want to be a burden, a worry or a cause of stress for anyone.

There is always the crisis team, which i know have helped others before, but without a GP or someone referring me, i feel like a fraud asking for help. I just don’t know what to do or where to go!

 

NHS Failing Mental Health sufferers

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I was referred for Cognitive behavioural Therapy back in January 2015, i’m still waiting been told it wont be until November or december till i’m seen. This means it will have 14 months since my last therapy and its just not helpful. The progress and steps forward i feel i made in 2014 has been undone.

Went to the GP this morning, and was told after 2 Years since my breakdown in 2013, there’s nothing more they can do for me. I have to sort it out myself.  Its a mental health issue and I’m the only one who can resolve it, i have to change the way i think and start improving.

Doesn’t really work like that, What does she think i’ve been doing for the past 2 years? clearly i’m struggling and not getting better fast and need help and assistance. Not to be told Sorry your on your own.

 

Unsettled nights….

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Since my breakdown in 2013, I had huge sleeping issues. Loads of nightmares and Flashbacks (PTSD) and really wasnt sleeping. I went for counselling in 2014 and we used an NLP approach (Neuro-linguistic programming), to try and get rid/reduce the unsettled nights. It worked the nightmares and flashbacks have ‘stopped’ and i’m no longing waking up in panic.

But it seems to have had a different side effects. I still appear to be having nightmares but the NLP approach stops me remembering them, which stops me waking up in panic. But lately I’ve been waking feeling very anxious and i’m not getting great sleep, lots of tossing and turning. Because i cant remember them, I don’t know what’s caused the anxiety so i can’t fight it or overcome it. Just have to put it down to nightmares and carry on.

Although the NLP approach has helped to stop the panic attacks and is allowing me to get some sleep, I don’t really know how to over come the current issues. Hopefully as treatment continues (on waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), it will help address these issues. Positive thinking anyway.

 

 

Lost

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Been feeling very lost lately. Still having trouble planning for the future and my social anxiety seems to be getting worse. I don’t feel safe or comfortable going out the flat. Not sure where its come from. A Lot of it predictably is in my head, feel i’m being judged by everyone and i feel some how that i’ve got a big label hanging over me saying “Hes nuts, stay away.”

Have a lot of support on facebook, twitter and other sites i’m on across the internet. A Lot of people wanting to meet me and say hello. I’ve never been great at ‘first contacts’ and with my anxiety since my breakdown its a huge barrier. I would love to meet some people and get out more, its just trying to cross that barrier that’s difficult. I’m still on a waiting list for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), which has been months, hopefully will be able to chase it with the GP this week.

My Left knee has been acting up again. I had it reconstructed in 2010 and its been pretty good, but think it dislocated and popped back in, bruising and swelling suggests this too, GP’s given me lots of pain meds, but yet another barrier to getting out as i cant bear weight on it.

On the positive side of things during the late May bank holiday, i went with my BF and parents to Liverpool to see Cunards 150 Year anniversary 3 Queens event. Over 1 million people descended on Liverpool. There were crowds everywhere and tbh i didn’t cope great. Think i was able to mask a lot of it. but got to the stage where everyone was concerned and knew it was causing me issues (except for the crowd stewards who refused to help u, when we needed it).

 

Plodding Along….

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Haven’t done an update in a while. Mainly because I’ve had nothing to report on. The benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) (vertigo) has improved alot since the doctor did his tests and exams. Still feeling very low on energy though. but the dizziness has subsided thankfully.

As for the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD, not much has changed. Have been focusing on the physical and getting them under control. So i’m not having too many panic attacks or burping fits as i used to. Sleep is still hit and miss, I am sleeping but wake up exhausted, not feeling any better for it. Still waiting for my referral for CBT to help.

I am having major problems with Social anxiety at the moment. Due to a mix of reasons. I feel safe in my home, I have gotten things under control, when i go out so much is out of my control. Things can go wrong so quickly and i don’t have any safety net or safe place to get to if i go out. Also i have stayed in and not been very active mainly due to the vertigo (BVVP) cant really go out and enjoy yourself if your dizzy. The good side though is now i’m getting over it and getting control of my physical symptoms.

I wish i had my confidence, to get out and meet more people. Its not that i haven’t had the offers, its just i’m way to scared.lol (Not as tough as my online persona shows). Unfortunately not every ‘gets it’ and think i’m just brushing them off, but i’m really not, would love to meet with some people, but just cant get over that hump to do it. Always had confidence issues.

 

Anxiety attacks Vs Panic Attacks

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 For a long while its been to difficult for me to work out if i’m having an anxiety or a panic attack. Most people think they are the same and although they do seem it there is a huge difference. Which i’m now slowly starting to detect and then can take appropriate action, as the way to deal with the two different attacks are different.

What does anxiety feel like?

If you experience anxiety, you might find that you identify with some of the physical and psychological sensations in the table below. Anxiety can feel different for different people, so you might also experience other kinds of feelings, which aren’t listed here.

Physical sensations: Psychological sensations:
  • nausea (feeling sick)
  • tense muscles and headaches
  • pins and needles
  • feeling light headed or dizzy
  • faster breathing
  • sweating or hot flushes
  • a fast, thumping or irregular heart beat
  • raised blood pressure
  • difficulty sleeping
  • needing the toilet more frequently, or less frequently
  • churning in the pit of your stomach
  • experiencing panic attacks
  • feeling tense, nervous and on edge
  • having a sense of dread, or fearing the worst
  • feeling like the world is speeding up or slowing down
  • feeling like other people can see you’re anxious and are looking at you
  • feeling your mind is really busy with thoughts
  • dwelling on negative experiences, or thinking over a situation again and again (this is called rumination)
  • feeling restless and not being able to concentrate
  • feeling numb

What is a panic attack?

A panic attack is an exaggeration of your body’s normal response to fear, stress or excitement. It is the rapid build-up of overwhelming physical sensations, such as:

  • a pounding heartbeat
  • feeling faint
  • sweating
  • nausea (feeling sick)
  • chest pains
  • feeling unable to breathe
  • shaky limbs, or feeling like your legs are turning to jelly
  • feeling like you’re not connected to your body

During a panic attack you might feel very afraid that:

  • you’re losing control
  • you’re going to faint
  • you’re having a heart attack
  • you’re going to die

Under going tests

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Been quite quiet on here of late. Been going through a barrage of tests to find out why i keep collapsing and having dizzy spells. Thought it was my medication but after having them changed i’m still having issues.

Had a number of blood test which shows elevated levels in my liver so had more blood taken today.

Been quite stressful and anxious time, probably why my sleeping patterns have been thrown out again. So exhausted. Been having alot of mood swings and been very depressed but trying to cope.

Doesn’t help having money troubles either. Living on benefits isnt easy or nice.

 

Struggling to be heard….

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Its so difficult to be heard when and believed when you have mental health issues. Really is shocking and horrible the way people treat me. I always tell the truth and never been in trouble, yet as soon as people hear that you have Mental Health issues they write you off. They tell you ‘the way it is’ and ‘what happened’ and don’t believe you no matter how many times you tell.

I have no trust, faith or respect for Greater Manchester Police . They really our poor when it comes to the duty of care of people and with people who have Mental health problems. Since a young age i’ve always respected the police and believed they were there to help. In fact they did help when I was the victim of domestic abuse and during that time i couldn’t fault them. I’ve always tried to be a good person and reported anything suspicious to the police and called in when i’ve witnessed accidents or crimes. But now after the treatment i’ve received i’ve lost all faith in them and thing they are only there to cause issues for people. They were a safety net like all emergency services but now thats gone. I try to avoid anything to do with police now. They really have ground me down and there attempts to put things right only made things worse and they never believe my version on events. Its now to your on medication or your not thinking right. I am scared to leave the flat or go to events that i used to enjoy incase there are police there. As i now know they don’t need evidence or anything to ruin peoples lives. I’ll never forgive or forget they way they made be think my Partner had been killed, how can any human being do that to someone.

Its not just the police that its hard to get through to. So medical professionals are the same they just write you off, number of times i’ve come back from seeing the Doctors in tears and thinking i’m about to be carted off to the nut house. It’s very difficult to get your voice heard.

Sometimes i just want to scream and make a scene just to be heard.

2015 A Different Year???

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Well everyone keeps saying 2015 is gonna be different, bigger and better than 2014. I Must admit I did have my fingers and toes crossed wishing that can be true. However the reality of it isn’t that easy easy. I Know were only twelve days into the year, but getting a sense of ‘Same Sh*t, different Year.’ Everything that i hoped and prayed would be left behind in 2014 has spread its dark fingers into 2015. And i gotta admit given me the new year blues. Hope can i start on a new year, new me (ha thats a joke) if everything keeps following me.

The Festive period was on the whole a good time. Feel again that i missed out on another Christmas. Not through anything in particular, just didn’t have the festive spirit as things were getting to stressful and anxious as the big day came near. Didn’t help that i collapsed at home on 16th December, BF had to call an ambulance. So another worry to add to my lists. Had a wonderful New Years, we went down to my Parents for a week. Had a lovely time lots of quizzes, games and laughs.

Since coming back though apart from the New Years Blues, I Just have no energy. Everything is a struggle, even just standing up sometimes. But hey ho, thats life it seems.  Certainly dont know what the powers at be are thinking but they certainly getting me to jump through hoops and test me beyond my limits.

On a more positive note, hopefully 2015 I can cross off some or at least one of the things on my ‘Bucket List.’

Well i started writing this when i was really down, very tired and in a lot of pain. But now feeling more positive and hopeful. But thinking its good to post the negative thoughts. As someone may see it and know that their not the only one feeling that way, also as a reminder to me on how bad i can see things sometimes.

 

Almost Christmas…

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Well Quite a week I had last week, Went to see the GP on Monday as had been feeling rather low, kept having dizzy spells and had a sore throat. Doctor increased my medication and gave me an oral solutions for my throat. Turns out i had been brining stomach acid up during my anxiety/burping fits and had damaged my throat.

Tuesday i was not feeling great at all. Very dizzy and and very low on energy, managed to make it through most the day but then collapsed in the kitchen. Luckily was able to shout my partner before i fell who managed to catch me. He called 111 for advice and they sent out an ambulance. Very lovely and understanding ambulance crew. had loads of tests done and an ECG. But they think it was a combination of exhaustion, increase in medication and anxiety attack. Took me a while to get back up to full strength but getting there. Hopefully that’ll be enough of the excitement this year (fingers crossed).

Almost ready for Christmas, cant believe its only days away. Cant wait, am so excited. Unfortunately wont be going home to see family for Christmas but will see them for New Years.

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!

Christmas

Feeling Overwhelmed..

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Am Feeling so overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Just feel like crying.

I Haven’t slept properly in over a week, When i wake up i’m in a highly anxious state. So Much trapped wind as stomach wont settle. Causing me to have burping fits, this is bringing up stomach acid and giving me a sore throat. I’m sweating profusely all the time.

Christmas is meant to be a happy joyous time and at the moment its totally stressing me out. I Wanna do so much and cant. I didn’t get to enjoy Christmas last year due to my breakdown and had hoped to make this year extra special to make up for it and all my plans are falling apart and i’m right near to the end of my tether of saying “F*ck it” and calling everything off as it’ll be easier and less stressful. The same feeling i had last year and i don’t wanna do it. Its the small things that are getting to me. Waiting on presents to arrive and worrying they wont arrive in time and Money worries.

Got a lot of things coming up which we have been working to, Complaint to Greater Manchester Police about the lack of duty of care and the events of last november. Waiting to here if i qualify for Concessionary Travel in manchester with my health issues. And trying to sort out plans for Christmas and New Year.

Its all small little things that are mounting up and cause a big issue.

Just don’t know where to go or what to do.

OverWhelmed

Anxious

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Well we’ve gotten through the week we were dreading, a year on after Greater Manchester Police decided to turn our flat and lives upside down. I’m Still a mess, So Anxious all the time.

Loads of things coming up this month with the festive period think its getting to me. I so want to do everything i would normally do during the run up to Christmas and new year and i’m just not able to. I know i’m unwell and it’ll take time, but getting very frustrated with it all. Everyone wants to see me and i’d love to see everyone too, but gotta think of myself. If i can i will, if i cant i wont.

So anxious this week for some reason. Cant stop shaking and jumping at almost everything. Wish i could pin it down to one thing or another but i cant. I’ll continue to plod along, as i have been doing the past year.

Just wish the panic attacks would stop.

panic-button

Guilt…

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I feel so Guilty that i’ve had a breakdown and its affected my friends and family. In ways I couldn’t have foreseen or planned for.

I know I shouldn’t. I know i’m unwell and will get better but it doesn’t stop the guilt.

Friends and family have been brilliant and supportive, So huge thank you to them.

Others have distanced themselves or disappeared completely.  Some I think just don’t know how to react or feel i’m pulling them down. My Moods can change at the drop of the hat, but is a lot better now my new meds have  started working. Hopefully will start connecting and building friendships back up.

 Slow small steps but any progress is good.

This song from Matchbox twenty suits me, “I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell”

Unwell