It’s OK to be Me

It's ok to be differnt..

Well I’ve had 2 sessions of counselling so far in my current round of treatment. A number of things have come up that i’m currently working through.

I’ve got to encourage myself and teach myself “Its OK to be Me”

I’m a very sensitive person and take almost everything to heart, during counselling we worked out that rather than being myself. I’ve tried to please everyone and change who i am to fit in with other peoples perceptions of how i should be. This isn’t helpful or healthy. This is a very difficult post to write as it covers some of my most sensitive vulnerabilities, so apologies if i ramble on.


This is a big one, I have never been comfortable with my appearance for numerous reasons. My hair when it grows long starts to curl and as a child i was teased a lot about it. Didn’t matter if i tried to gel it or style it, it always ended up curling. Always been told people would love to have curly hair, but for me I hate it. So much so now that its just easier and less stressful to shave it all off and have a skinhead. My clothes and style have also been an issue, what i find comfortable or stylish the majority of people wouldn’t be seen dead in it. This did results in sometimes being called names and some clothes were never worn again because of it. I have three very large scars on my knee after having a full knee reconstruction in 2011. I feel humiliated and ashamed that they are there and tend not to show them off. So Don’t wear shorts and always have my legs covered up. Nothings has happened or be said to me about my scars, but when i have gone out in shorts (very rare) I always feel that people are starring and talking behind my back about it. My Weight and body shape is always a concern for me. My weight tends to fluctuate depending on my health, and again I’m just not comfortable in myself.


 Asking for Help

I don’t like asking for help, it makes me feel humiliated and ashamed. I Feel its a sign of failure asking for help or accepting help. Having numerous physical, mental and learning difficulties, i often have to ask for help in my life. It upsets me that i see other people who are able to do things without help, wish I didn’t need help, but i know i do.


I’m not clumsy, i’m not accident prone, but if anything can happen it will to me. I broke my leg rolling over in bed. I Was hit by a truck while walking on the pavement. I Just seem to go from one medical disaster to another. It affects my life so much, from social activities to work. It is so embarrassing letting my friends and family know that I’ve been injured or am unwell yet again. It has become a running joke “Only You.” Having both long term physical issues and mental issues, symptoms tend to get crossed and confused. After a nasty fall in which i fractured my skull, i lost my hearing in my right ear. But i didn’t know until 3 years later after a different test for dizzy spells showed it. So i really don’t know what is physical or mental anymore.



I Have always had issues with my reading and writing from Primary school to now. It means i’m not as quick as everyone else and do need extra help in almost everything. A lot of people don’t understand Dyslexia and don’t understand that each dyslexic person has unique challenges, there isn’t a fix or and aid that is suitable for everyone. A lot of people see Dyslexia as an excuse and that your just lazy or cant be bothered. But believe me I’m not. I try so hard, I feel sometimes i work much harder than others but get the same results and that extra work is never praised. Unfortunately its a disability that people try to hide and find ways to avoid it.


Since 2013 i have felt extremely exhausted both physically and exhausted. I struggle to get a good nights sleep and also with all the symptoms like Panic attacks, anxiety, burping fits, sweating fits my body is working overtime to keep up. I have dark circles and bags under my eyes, which must make me look awful. I do try and push myself to keep awake and to get certain things done. But this runs me down and leaves me more exhausted. Taking naps during the day doesn’t really help, as still so much to do.

Again apologies if i Rambled, but hopefully, friends and family might understand a bit better, if they know how i feel and think inside. I’ve got to come to terms with all of these and just say “It’s OK to be Me”


Failing when doing things correctly…

I Seem to be cursed when I try do things the correct way it always seems to go wrong.

I paid Bury Council to take Bulky Waste away and they have refused. I am classed as disabled and have tried to do everything correctly.

I booked through the Bury council website on the 2nd January and paid £30 to have 2 mattresses collected and disposed of from Bury Bulky Waste Collection, the collection was booked for the 10th January 2017.

When booking online it said “Do not leave items that may soak up water, such as a sofa or mattress, out in the rain. Heavily sodden items will not be collected”. The communal bins for our block don’t have a roof on and I can’t exactly cover them to make them waterproof. It also says the collection men can’t enter the property – so I put the mattresses right by the front door of the building ready for collection and a note on the front door to the building saying to buzz up to my flat and we’ll take them out to them.

On the 10th of January I stayed in all day after rearranging medical appointments, ready for the collection anytime from 7am till 4pm. The weather on Tuesday 10th January was quite miserable with heavy rain, so wasn’t able to leave the items outside.

After 4pm i phoned Bury Council and was told they have refused to collect as they have not been left outside. No refund. When questioning them on the phone the reason why was apparently “we broke the Terms and conditions of collections”, which are not listed on their website.

I was told as a Bury resident we are meant to know all of Bury Councils terms and conditions, apparently in a welcome pack when you moved into Bury (which I didn’t get). I’m now left £30 out of pocket (which is nearly a quarter of my weekly income) and have two old mattresses stuck in a small 1 bedroom flat. I did everything correctly and yet paid for nothing it seems.

I have been told that I have to rebook and pay the £30 fee again. However i will be in the same position of not being able to place the items outside as i do not have anything to cover 2 mattresses.

I am trying to dispute this and hopefully get it all corrected.

Update – 16th January, Bury council Called they sent a van straight away and everything collected, no further charges.

A Positive Start to 2017

Had a difficult but good chat with my new counselor this morning during my telephone assessment. She really did listen and wasn’t just focused on the events of 2013 but my life as a whole.

She agreed that I need to talk things through, rather than have CBT therapy to fix my symptoms, as CBT doesn’t get to the root causes of my issues. As I tend to bottle things up we will be doing Psycho-dynamic Therapy.

(The aim of psycho-dynamic therapy is to bring the unconscious mind into consciousness – helping individuals to unravel, experiences and understand their true, deep-rooted feelings in order to resolve them). Wont be quick fix, we are talking 6 months plus.

But feeling positive and a lot of what she said to me, made sense and I Start the face to face sessions next week.