Tag Archives: Health

Domestic Abuse Survivor

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This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write or admit to – I’m a domestic abuse survivor.

I feel so ashamed and I’m full of guilt – because although at the time I didn’t realise what was happening due to the fear and the Coercive behaviour towards me – I did allow myself to become a victim and I didn’t speak up sooner.

With hindsight it was obvious what was happening and what was being done to me, but at the time I just thought I was being foolish and over reacting. I was ashamed to talk to anyone about it.

10 years have passed since these events and I now feel the need to talk about my experience. This is not about playing the ‘victim card’ or about getting punishment, but for the need to be able to let go of the things that have shaped my life and to try and start a new chapter. Some parts of my life during these dark times people already know and others, well I haven’t told anyone about it until now.

Back in 2003 I was living in London and met Steve online. We started chatting online then we were calling each other and when we first met, he really did sweep me off my feet. We started dating and getting closer and closer. We started talking about looking for a place together but we both agreed that London was too expensive for us and so we started to look further a field. We finally settled on moving to Manchester. After a number of wonderful weekends away in Manchester we found a 2 bedroom flat that we fell in love with and decided to put a deposit down for. We like any couple said we’d split all the bills and costs 50/50. Steve couldn’t afford to put any money towards the deposit at the time, and we didn’t want to miss the opportunity of getting this flat, so I paid the deposit in full from my bank account. We set a date to move to Manchester and both handed in our notices at our current jobs. We both went job hunting to try and find new jobs that we could start straight away when we moved and in July 2004 we made the move from London to Manchester.

For the first couple of months, things were going well for me and Steve in Manchester and we were finding our feet. Then we both left our jobs within a couple of weeks of each other, me due to bullying and him because he wasn’t happy at his current work place – which was a big problem as we didn’t have any money coming in. Steve wasn’t able to take out a loan due to previous debt but I had never had any debt or loans in past so I approached my bank and took out a big loan, to help us properly settle in and to cover the bills while we were both not working. As it was only me with some money, we set up all the bills in my name only (something I’d later regret), but at the time seemed perfectly normal. We both job hunted and I was lucky enough to find a job within a couple of weeks. He kept saying he couldn’t find a job which met his skill sets and would keep looking and promised to help with the bills when he was employed. We brought a little male Kitten to keep us company around the flat and called him Jarrod, who would become my constant companion and my main reason for carrying on in life.

The following years we had our ups and downs like any relationship. I kept on paying all the bills and after a while I just stopped asking Steve how the job hunt was going as each time it came up he would get angry and belittle me and would end up making me feel like it was my fault. While I was working, he was making friends in Manchester and eventually on all my days off he would be ‘away’ staying at his friends house or going on trips away with them leaving me on my own. I spent a couple of New Years, Christmases and birthdays sat on my own, feeling down and alone. If I brought it up, I was stifling his life and not wanting him to have friends. In the end we decided to end our relationship as it wasn’t making us happy and we were arguing anytime we saw each other. It was a mutual split and we ended on good terms. We decided to just be flatmates and as we had to 2 bedrooms in the flat it wasn’t a difficult decision. I carried on paying the bills without help from Steve and this just became the norm, there was always an excuse – and I didn’t want to make him angry.

After a couple of weeks of ending our relationship, Steve said that he and one of his ‘friends’- James – who he had been going and staying with – wanted to make a go of it and become a couple. Steve wanted James to move into the flat with him. I was told that as James already had a job he would help with the bills and we would split them them 3 ways. I felt backed into a corner as I couldn’t afford the flat on my own and I also couldn’t afford to move out and after years of living pay-cheque to pay-cheque, any help with the bills would be very welcome.

James moved in and for the first 2 months I did get help with the bills, but after that the excuses started. He wasn’t earning as much as me or he had an unexpected bill. So when a job came up at my workplace I mentioned it to James and we started working at the same place, albeit on different shifts. As our shifts didn’t match we agreed that as they ate earlier, they would cook my meal at the same time and I’d reheat it when I got home. This soon stopped after a while. I spent most of my day off and evenings in my room as they had control over the tv in the front room and so I would only venture out my room to use the bathroom or the kitchen. Any other time it was to complaints of needing to give them ‘space’ as they were in a relationship and couldn’t be affectionate around me.

The status quo kept going on. Banished to my room, while I pay all the bills and I do mean all the bills – The rent, council tax, gas bill, electric bill, water bill, TV license, telephone and loan repayments. I was paying all the bills in full without any support from them. When any issues arose – such as a late bill or something needing repairing in the flat – It was left to me to sort out and if it wasn’t done quick enough I’d get shouted at and belittled. Steve had not been working practically since we moved in and wasn’t actively looking for work. James was still working at the same company as me, but was on a different contract than me and hadn’t had the years of experience and pay progression that I did, so was earning a lot less and as such he said he couldn’t help with the bills as he was supporting Steve as well. Which I thought at the time was funny cause I was paying for everything.

There was a year that I had done really well in my job and had earned quite a good bonus. I didn’t actively share the news with Steve and James, but as James worked in the same company they found out. They asked to use/borrow £600 of my bonus money in order to purchase two bicycles in order to get out of the flat more, which in turn would allow me to use the front room more and they hoped would be allow them to travel to different parts of Manchester to job hunt for Steve. They promised to repay it at £50 a month starting next month when James got paid. It all sounded reasonable to me so I agreed. They went and purchased the bikes and within days of buying them they returned them to the store for a full refund. I was told that the bikes had multiple issues and weren’t suitable, but they were going to go and get replacement bikes from another shop, needless to say this didn’t happen and I never saw my bonus money again.

In 2010 my health took a nose dive. I had managed to injure my knee quite seriously. After numerous hospital trips, it was decided that I would need major surgery on my knee to reconstruct my knee joint and have several pins inserted to hold it all in place. The day of my surgery came, I was meant to be in hospital for 1 night and be sent home the next day. But after several complications I was in hospital for a week. Throughout my hospital stay, Steve and Jimmy never visited or enquired how I was doing. It was only when I had been released from hospital and made it home that they realised how serious it was. I was bed bound for months and was off work for almost 7 months – so they had to do everything for me and had to keep the flat running, although I was using my sick pay to pay for everything still. It was during this time that I began to realise they weren’t the caring friends I thought. As I was at home all day I could see that they would spend there ‘free’ time going to the shops or eating out and enjoying themselves but what really crushed me was the holiday. They decided they needed a break away and so went away for 2 weeks. While I was bed bound they really did leave me to fend for myself (Although they did graciously move the microwave into the front room so that I wouldn’t have to struggle to reach the kitchen!). I realised after coping on my own for 2 weeks that I could do things myself and didn’t need them. It took another 2 years and numerous hospital visits to recover from the surgery and feel more like myself again. James in the meantime had left the company I was working for and found another job elsewhere.

After fighting to get back to full health and getting back into the swing of things at work. I was more assertive and determined to sort my ‘home life’ out. I would get the same excuses and the retelling of lies, so one day at the start of 2012 when I came home from work I asked Steve if we could all sit down and talk about the flat. James was still at work and Steve kept pushing to know what I wanted to talk about and I simply said about moving out. I honestly did have the intention of saying if they can’t cover half the bills for this flat lets all find somewhere else that’s cheaper and more manageable, but I never got the chance to have a proper chat about things.

From that one attempt at a discussion things went down hill very fast. Straight after that conversation, I was given the silent treatment from both Steve and James, questions would go unanswered and I was completely ignored and shut out. So I started looking to find somewhere else to live on my own and through sheer luck found a perfect flat close to were I was working – and significantly cheaper on all counts. So I made an offer which was accepted. The new landlord wanted to do some renovations before I moved in and I thought it was unfair, no matter the treatment I had received, to leave Steve and James in the lurch so I agreed with the new landlord that I’d move in 2 months time. I told Steve that I had found somewhere else and that I was moving out in 2 months and that I had given notice to our current landlord that I was leaving and that the landlord said Steve could either give notice himself or stay and pay the rent and bills himself. Yet again I got the silent treatment, no reaction what so ever. I started to purchase things for my new flat e.g. toaster, kettle and put them in boxes with other things that I had already started to pack up. But, I soon started to notice when I came home from work, I’d find things in my room that had been moved or broken. I questioned it but the silent treatment continued. I began to lock important things away in a cabinet that had a lock on it. One night I finished a late shift and came home at 11pm to find cat poo smeared on the underside of my mattress and on the walls. It would have been impossible for Jarrod (my Cat) to get it where it was, so it was definitely put there deliberately. I spent hours cleaning it up before I could go to bed, which I think was the reason it was done – as I had to be up at 6am for a morning shift at work, which they knew I was on. It all came to a head when I came home from work on a Monday to find splinters of wood on the floor of my bedroom. After investigating I found the top of the cabinet of draws that I had locked things away in had been prised off. I went through everything and found nothing had been broken and nothing had gone missing but I just felt so violated and that was the last straw. The next day, Tuesday, I arranged for an emergency couple of days off work with my manager and spoke to my new Landlord, who thankfully was incredibly supportive and gave me the keys to my new flat that day. I picked up the new keys and started packing everything in my room into boxes. In the meantime while I was rushing about to get more boxes and getting things ready in the new flat, I came home to find post it notes started appearing on things in my room, stating that this particular thing belonged to Steve or to James. Clearly they had been in my room again. After a few hurried and panicky phone calls, my friends and family dropped everything to come and help me move. I let our current landlord know that things had changed and I was leaving immediately and, taking the higher ground, I paid the rent and the bills for a month – so at the very least Steve and James would have a month to find somewhere else. I moved out on the Wednesday of that week and that was the last time I saw either Steve or James in person.

The abuse started almost immediately and not just directed at me but derogatory things were said about my family. The day after I moved out, I went to use the new toaster and kettle that I bought and found that neither was working. At first I just thought these were faulty and I’d return them, but one of my friends and my dad both had a look at them and found that wires inside the plug had been cut and the heating element in the toaster had been damaged. Had the toaster and kettle worked they would have been ‘live’ to the touch. My dad was furious at this – as he recalled a conversation he’d had with Steve, where Steve said he had done a similar thing to someone else. Steve and James had plenty of access to these when they were stored in my room. Unfortunately, with my friend and my dad taking them apart and touching them, there was no evidence left that I could report. As I started going through the boxes and unpacking, I began to realise that a lot of things had gone missing. Some entire boxes that I had packed never made it to the new flat. I’m guessing these had been taken by the now Ex-flatmates when it was all boxed up in my room. As I didn’t want anything else to do with them, I just wrote them off as lost, I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of chasing them for things.

After the move, I didn’t have access to the Internet for a few weeks as I need to get a new telephone line installed at the new flat and once I did get access, a whole new can of worms was unleashed. I found that I was ‘locked’ out of every online account that I had ever had – from emails, social media to shopping sites – all my passwords weren’t working. So I set up a new email address to try and recover these accounts and shared this new email address with close friends and family and started getting reports that they were receiving abusive, aggressive and derogatory emails from my old email address. From the messages that had been sent, it was clear it was the old flatmates (Steve & James) who had ‘hacked’ my accounts. It finally dawned on me why the top had been prised off the cabinet of draws back in my old flat – it was to get all my passwords and ID’s to all my accounts. Some of my accounts they had deleted completely so I was only able to recover access to 75% of them. I’m now a lot more careful and have increased security with all my information as a result.

I was contacted by the old landlord that Steve and James had also moved out and we’d all be required to attend the final inspection of the old flat and get it signed off. The day before the inspection I went with my family to the flat to give it a good clean so that it would hopefully pass the inspection. We found that the flat had been emptied of everything, even though the flat was meant to be partly furnished. They had taken everything. Some of the walls in the flat had been half painted and it was left in quite a state. We did our best and spent the day cleaning and making sure it was ready for the inspection. Once we had finished we took photos of everything, just in case it was messed up again overnight then we’d have evidence. The Inspection day came and thankfully the flat was left in the same state as we’d left it the night before. The landlord arrived and advised us that Steve and James had declined to come to the inspection. I handed over my set of keys and hoped that this was now all over with. A week later I received the inspection report and they had charged us with numerous infractions and charges including the need to repaint the whole flat, electrical tests and damages. The deposit would be used to cover some of this but there was an additional charge that would be split between myself and Steve as we were the ones on the tenancy agreement. After discussions with my family, they agreed to cover the additional charges in full including Steve’s costs so that we could get rid off the old flat and reduce the risk of further contact from Steve and James. We paid the charges and thought that was the end of it, but then heard from the old Landlord that Steve was contesting the inspection report and wanted his half of the deposit back. I explained that I had paid the full deposit in the first place and Steve didn’t pay any of the deposit and provided my bank statement to prove this. The old landlord was very grateful as they didn’t want it dragging out. That was the last contact I had with my old landlord and the old flat was now completely in my past.

The abuse though kept coming via text and email. Somehow the ex flatmates found out my new email address and as they had gotten into my social media accounts they were contacting my friends and family and telling lies and generally saying horrible things about me, I lost a lot of friends because of this. As I continued to unpack my things I found more damaged items. All my CD’s and some DVD’s had been scratched so badly they couldn’t be used – and some had been scratched with offensive writing on. Showing how petty they had become even my photo albums had been damaged and any photos that I had with them in had been removed. I couldn’t take the constant barrage of abuse and unwanted contact so finally I contacted and reported it to the Police.

I came home to the new flat, within a week of moving in, to find someone had tried to break in. They had snapped off a key in the lock and there were groove marks along the frame of the door as if someone had tried forcing there way in. I immediately call the police and an officer came and spoke to all my neighbours in my building, but nobody heard or saw anything. The next day when I arrived for work, I was pulled into a formal disciplinary meeting. My manager had received an email from Steve making complaints against me. After a thorough investigation it was found I had done nothing wrong and it was just Steve trying to cause more trouble. I reported this to the Police, as it wasn’t just my home life they were making miserable – they were trying to affect my career. I was asked to make a formal statement to the police, so went down to the local police station and they took my statement and I showed them all the evidence I had kept. It was now being dealt with as a domestic abuse case and I had a specific officer assigned to me. A couple of days later, I met with the police officer who was handling my case and they had gone and spoken to both Steve and James. I was told that I wouldn’t have anymore contact from them and if I did to report it to them and they would deal with it accordingly.

Thankfully all the communication did stop – however, a couple of months later I started getting things through the post for stuff I did not sign up to – such as catalogue companies and the like. After getting them to investigate where the sign up was done and on a hunch gave Steve and James’s full names and the relevant timescales, they agreed that I hadn’t signed up and they cancelled the accounts and removed me off there systems. After a year or two I would get random emails from Steve, saying he and James had split up, blaming it all on James and that he hadn’t done anything and wanted to meet me for a drink for a chat. I always politely declined and advised if he keeps contacting me I’ll report it to the Police again. In the end I just stopped replying and blocked the email addresses. There is nothing that Steve or James can say that will ever let me forgive or forget what has happened.

In 2013 I suffered a complete mental and nervous breakdown. Although it was precipitated by other events in my life, I dont doubt that the stress and anxiety of all the abuse over the previous years that Steve and James had caused had a part to play in my breakdown. Through the course of my recovery, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and this might explain why I hadn’t spoken up and why I allowed myself to be used and abused in the way I had. In 2022 I finally managed to pay off the loan that I took out in 2004 and lifted myself out of debt. Its now 2023 and I have rebuilt a new life for myself. As I said at the start, I’m not recounting these events in order to shame or punish anyone, but its a way of opening up and letting go of the past. I dont need to relive these events in my mind over and over as its all here in black and white.

A footnote in my past, in my life. And here’s to looking to future.

Mikey

Accepting I’m different

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Throughout my life, I’ve struggled to fit in. things people find easy, I dont and came up with numerous ways to fit it or ways to accomplish things. Despite this I’ve always been told I’m doing things wrong or someone would say “I wouldn’t have done it that way.” Nothing i have done has been good enough and honestly throughout my life I’ve felt a failure.

However since my autism diagnosis, my life and outlook on things has changed dramatically. Its difficult for me to accept that I’m different and that I am in fact disabled. Everything i have been through in my life and the way i react to things or the way i think, is different to everyone else. Thats a hard thing to get my head around. It wasn’t until my diagnosis that certain aspects of my life began to click in place. I’ve started to realise some of my reactions and feelings are autistic traits.

Because I’ve tried to fit in to the world around me and to be accepted by people I have learned to mask things. (Masking is a process in which an individual changes or “masks” their natural personality to conform to social pressures, abuse, and/or harassment). My counsellors and Doctor have agreed that masking is wrong and I should stop trying to conform to things and be my true self. This is where things are getting really difficult. I’m trying to be myself and just do things that i enjoy, however for me to do that i’m starting to ‘let go’ / forgetting to do things that would be classed as ‘normal.’ e.g. Energy bills or managing money that i really dont understand it and so am kind of ignoring it and hoping for the best, which i know isn’t the best plan. There are so many things that i still have to try to conform to and things that i have to do. Which goes against being myself and trying to bring down the ‘masks’ I’ve created.

How do i be myself and restart my life as an autistic adult if i cant let go of the image of a ‘normal’ adult i pretended to be. It really is a minefield and that’s before I even get onto my other health and learning Conditions.

Understanding – At last

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After years of complaining of pain and numerous trips to Hospital. I was referred to see the Rheumatology department at North Manchester Hospital. Saw a very nice Doctor who really did know what he was doing and asked alot of in depth questions. It was amazing for someone to actually understand what I had been living with and going through for years.

Was poked, prodded and examined.

The Doctor has diagnosed me with the following:

Fibromyalgia
Sleep Disorder
Chronic Fatigue
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)

He advised that all of these along with my Autism, Hyper-mobility and
psychological issues (Anxiety & Depression) are all intertwined.

They are Chronic conditions with no known cure. So is now a process of how to manage the symptoms.

I am being referred to Pain Clinic, Physiotherapy, Hydrotherapy and
Psychiatry. He will be writing to my GP to request that I go on sleeping
tablets and to increase the medication dosage that I’m currently on as
well. They took some blood for testing to cover the bases, but will not need to go back and see that department again.

There was a student Doctor observing my appointment and had apparently never seen someone whose joints where so bendy. So least I’m helping future generations of Doctor’s learn if nothing else!

It really is a genuine relief to get these conditions diagnosed and have someone to listen and understand. I had only been expecting a single diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, so to come away with 4 different conditions was not only a complete shock but also a validation of the fact that I really am not very well. I had thought that all the symptoms I had were normal and the pain I experience is what everyone else feels. It wasn’t until I had been diagnosed with Autism that I have begun to realise that it wasn’t normal.

Its strange having Autism and not feeling, experiencing and expressing myself as other people would. Its very hard to explain, what is normal for me is not normal for the wider community and vice versa.

I have tried to express myself and tried to tell people that things were ‘not quite right’ for years but I have either been bullied, fobbed off, taken advantage of or just plainly ignored. So to prevent myself from having to experience those again I just shut down, closed myself off and told people what they wanted to hear. However since my Autism diagnosis I have been learning to try and express myself better and this has led to these new conditions to be diagnosed to join my long list of other health issues. Now it’s a case of learning how to manage the symptoms and conditions.

Over the years I have learned to mask and hide things and to just keep pushing through them. Now that the health professionals are telling me that yes – what I am feeling and experiencing is real, and not to try and hide it or bottle it up. I worry that people will think that I’m making things out to be worse than they are because they weren’t an issue before.

It’s a lot not only for me to take in, but for my friends and family. At least we have some understanding of what is going on.

Changes?….

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I’m rediscovering the world and myself since my autism diagnosis. Learning a lot about Autism (still a lot to learn) and finding that lots of my little quirks are often ‘Symptoms’ of Autism. I think i made need to change the name of my blog, as its no longer a road to recovery. I had thought that I had nervous breakdown in 2013 and have been trying to get back to how i was before then. Since my diagnosis I’ve discovered that how i was being and reacting to a lot of things in life was me ‘masking’ or ‘camouflaging’.

I’ve always known that I see the world differently to others and previously when i have said things I’ve either been ridiculed or put down. So haven’t said anything for years and copied how other people react, but now I need to learn myself and the world all over again and to accept and allow myself to feel the way I do.

So Maybe it I should rename my blog “Rediscovering the world” or “Me and Autism”, “My autism journey”.

I should have my final autism assessment by July 2018. Which will make it a year and a half to fully, pin down the challenges and hardships I face, hopefully making things a bit easier.

 

Losing grip on reality

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I feel am losing my grip on reality. I just don’t seem to know what is real or what i have dreamed / made up / imagined. It’s a bizarre feeling. I seem to have lost the ability to put things in chronological order / timescale. Things that happened weeks ago seem like yesterday and things that happened today/yesterday seem to be from weeks ago. I don’t know if this is a coping mechanism or something else. Am getting confused with things that have actually happened and things that i have dreamt and imagined. I know i’m not losing my mind but my mind just seems to be a lot more jumbled than it normally is.

I Struggle with getting things done, always thinking I’ve got plenty of time to do it and then realising that i don’t. I’m stressed and worried because i feel like i have so much going on at the moment and in reality when sitting down and working it out, its not a lot 2 or 3 big things and there’s nothing i can do straight away its waiting for appointments or waiting for the correct time to arrive. When I was ‘well’ before my breakdown, i was working as well as coping with everything else and now i cant seem to 2 or 3 things. It is so depressing and humiliating. I know i’m unwell and not in great health but it just feels wrong and makes me feel guilty and makes me feel like a failure and i’m letting everyone and the world down. I didn’t ask to be Ill and don’t like asking for help, but know i’m struggling. It’s very difficult to ask for help as i don’t know what help is needed/required or what is available.

I’ve recently restarted counselling and this may be what has thrown me out of whack lately as we did talk about a number of different things in-depth. Its scary being scared of everything and talking about it as it really does make you think you, you are crazy.

On the flip side there has been some good things happening.

  • Restarted counselling, I know its small steps and its working on one problem at a time, but anything is better than just stopping and doing nothing.
  • Under going tests for Autism It’s not another thing I suffer from, but a solution or answer to why and how i react / think of things. And so far things are making a lot more sense in regards to this. Have only had one diagnosis session so far and the result was that i have autistic traits in all 4 areas.

It’s OK to be Me

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It's ok to be differnt..

Well I’ve had 2 sessions of counselling so far in my current round of treatment. A number of things have come up that i’m currently working through.

I’ve got to encourage myself and teach myself “Its OK to be Me”

I’m a very sensitive person and take almost everything to heart, during counselling we worked out that rather than being myself. I’ve tried to please everyone and change who i am to fit in with other peoples perceptions of how i should be. This isn’t helpful or healthy. This is a very difficult post to write as it covers some of my most sensitive vulnerabilities, so apologies if i ramble on.

Appearance

This is a big one, I have never been comfortable with my appearance for numerous reasons. My hair when it grows long starts to curl and as a child i was teased a lot about it. Didn’t matter if i tried to gel it or style it, it always ended up curling. Always been told people would love to have curly hair, but for me I hate it. So much so now that its just easier and less stressful to shave it all off and have a skinhead. My clothes and style have also been an issue, what i find comfortable or stylish the majority of people wouldn’t be seen dead in it. This did results in sometimes being called names and some clothes were never worn again because of it. I have three very large scars on my knee after having a full knee reconstruction in 2011. I feel humiliated and ashamed that they are there and tend not to show them off. So Don’t wear shorts and always have my legs covered up. Nothings has happened or be said to me about my scars, but when i have gone out in shorts (very rare) I always feel that people are starring and talking behind my back about it. My Weight and body shape is always a concern for me. My weight tends to fluctuate depending on my health, and again I’m just not comfortable in myself.

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 Asking for Help

I don’t like asking for help, it makes me feel humiliated and ashamed. I Feel its a sign of failure asking for help or accepting help. Having numerous physical, mental and learning difficulties, i often have to ask for help in my life. It upsets me that i see other people who are able to do things without help, wish I didn’t need help, but i know i do.

Health

I’m not clumsy, i’m not accident prone, but if anything can happen it will to me. I broke my leg rolling over in bed. I Was hit by a truck while walking on the pavement. I Just seem to go from one medical disaster to another. It affects my life so much, from social activities to work. It is so embarrassing letting my friends and family know that I’ve been injured or am unwell yet again. It has become a running joke “Only You.” Having both long term physical issues and mental issues, symptoms tend to get crossed and confused. After a nasty fall in which i fractured my skull, i lost my hearing in my right ear. But i didn’t know until 3 years later after a different test for dizzy spells showed it. So i really don’t know what is physical or mental anymore.

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Dyslexia

I Have always had issues with my reading and writing from Primary school to now. It means i’m not as quick as everyone else and do need extra help in almost everything. A lot of people don’t understand Dyslexia and don’t understand that each dyslexic person has unique challenges, there isn’t a fix or and aid that is suitable for everyone. A lot of people see Dyslexia as an excuse and that your just lazy or cant be bothered. But believe me I’m not. I try so hard, I feel sometimes i work much harder than others but get the same results and that extra work is never praised. Unfortunately its a disability that people try to hide and find ways to avoid it.

Tiredness

Since 2013 i have felt extremely exhausted both physically and exhausted. I struggle to get a good nights sleep and also with all the symptoms like Panic attacks, anxiety, burping fits, sweating fits my body is working overtime to keep up. I have dark circles and bags under my eyes, which must make me look awful. I do try and push myself to keep awake and to get certain things done. But this runs me down and leaves me more exhausted. Taking naps during the day doesn’t really help, as still so much to do.

Again apologies if i Rambled, but hopefully, friends and family might understand a bit better, if they know how i feel and think inside. I’ve got to come to terms with all of these and just say “It’s OK to be Me”

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Tinnitus & Hearing loss…

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Well new year and new problems, although hopefully on track to get it eased.

Been to see an ENT Specialist (Ear, nose and throat)  at the Royal Bolton Hospital. As i’ve had ringing in my ears since i hit my head back in 2013. Didn’t go well.

Having to have an MRI scan, as Doc things the bump to the head, might have shaken things up and the ear canals may have moved or been damaged, hoping not, but having the scan to rule it out.

They also did a hearing test and found i have moderate hearing loss in the left ear and severe hearing loss in the right ear. Normal hearing range is 0-20 decibels, I scored 35 in my left and 60 in the right ear. So will need a Hearing aid on my right side, which will be fitted in the coming weeks. Am not allowed to have a silent room, gotta have a radio/music/tv on in each room i go into, to help ease the Tinnitus and gotta have a special sound box to help with me falling to sleep.

Health Update

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Health Update:

CBT: (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)
Had my first (and last) session yesterday. They are unable to help at the moment due to physical issues and high pain levels. As part of the CBT process involves mobility and as I’m in pain it will apparently distract me. So have to get my knees sorted before they will work on my mental state. However surgeons won’t help till my mental state is better. Catch 22. Waited 12 months for this to be told no, had it happened earlier i might have gotten it done.

Physiotherapy:
Went to physio today. Very painful. Apparently I have issues with my hips to add to my knees and feet. They are weak and rotating my legs more than they should. Been given exercises to complete over the festive period and have to go back first week of January.

GP:
Doctors keeping my current meds the same but given me more pain killers. Takes my total of pills to 14 a day.lol

Advice, Assistance, Directions…

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I don’t know what to do for the best…

When i finished my last counselling session in 2014, i was starting to get back on track and finding my way again. The sessions helped with my PTSD. My flashbacks and nightmares were the biggest challenge at the time. Then in January 2015 i felt strong enough to get help for my next issues which was anxiety and my GP Referred me for CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Which I agreed was right for me at the time. However i was expecting a 12 month waiting list. I’m now 9 months in and social anxiety is my biggest issue, however I’m not sure that CBT is now right for me in my current state of mind. I think talking to someone about my anxieties and things that had happened in my past (domestic abuse and past issues) that seem to be running rampant around me mind at the moment.

I’m scared of saying anything to my GP or asking for different help, cause i really don’t know what is for the best. I don’t want to end up in the same situation, if i cancel or change the CBT, i might then go back on a waiting list for another 12 months and that wont help. But at the same time, doing counselling/CBT when your not ready for it or in the right frame of mind, is also dangerous. (Numerous GP’s and mental health people have said this).

I feel i’m not only letting myself down, but letting friends and family down. Everyone wants me to get better ASAP, even though there is no official timescales for recovery. I don’t want to be a burden, a worry or a cause of stress for anyone.

There is always the crisis team, which i know have helped others before, but without a GP or someone referring me, i feel like a fraud asking for help. I just don’t know what to do or where to go!

 

Unsettled nights….

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Since my breakdown in 2013, I had huge sleeping issues. Loads of nightmares and Flashbacks (PTSD) and really wasnt sleeping. I went for counselling in 2014 and we used an NLP approach (Neuro-linguistic programming), to try and get rid/reduce the unsettled nights. It worked the nightmares and flashbacks have ‘stopped’ and i’m no longing waking up in panic.

But it seems to have had a different side effects. I still appear to be having nightmares but the NLP approach stops me remembering them, which stops me waking up in panic. But lately I’ve been waking feeling very anxious and i’m not getting great sleep, lots of tossing and turning. Because i cant remember them, I don’t know what’s caused the anxiety so i can’t fight it or overcome it. Just have to put it down to nightmares and carry on.

Although the NLP approach has helped to stop the panic attacks and is allowing me to get some sleep, I don’t really know how to over come the current issues. Hopefully as treatment continues (on waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), it will help address these issues. Positive thinking anyway.

 

 

Under going tests

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Been quite quiet on here of late. Been going through a barrage of tests to find out why i keep collapsing and having dizzy spells. Thought it was my medication but after having them changed i’m still having issues.

Had a number of blood test which shows elevated levels in my liver so had more blood taken today.

Been quite stressful and anxious time, probably why my sleeping patterns have been thrown out again. So exhausted. Been having alot of mood swings and been very depressed but trying to cope.

Doesn’t help having money troubles either. Living on benefits isnt easy or nice.

 

My Nervous Breakdown

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This is what has happened and why I’m now a nervous wreck.

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I’ve been unwell for couple of months were I haven’t been eating alot and been having stomach problems. I then found a lump on my bottom so went to see GP. Was sent to Hospital as Doctor has concerns it might be cancer esp after the history in my family.

They did a colonoscopy and found a further 2 small growths in my bowel, so had these removed and still awaiting test results (can be up to 3 months). During all this we were getting nuisance calls on the landline, which kept waking me up while I was trying to recover from the operation.

We made a complaint company in question, then started causing issues (This was on a Thursday 2 weeks after the colonoscopy). So we thought we’d go out for a nice evening on Friday I then got hit by a HGV while I was walking on the pavement. It was turning into Morrison’s loading bay and the trailer swung out and hit me. No serious injures just a bruised elbow.

At the same time I was getting hit by the HGV Mike was on the phone to his mum, who was saying she had collapsed and been on the floor for 2 days at her home. So was a lot happening all at once.

The Saturday and Sunday were very sore and uneasy times.

Due to my illness I have been sleeping a lot more and was woken up on the Monday 25th November 2013 by 3 Police Officers banging on the door to the flat. I was half asleep and very groggy from the medication I was on. They came into the flat and started asking about Mikes motorbike, where was it, did I have keys to it, did I ride it. Then they wanted to know where Mike was, So told them I thought he was at work and gave all the details of it. They then asked me for a photo of Mike. At that point I thought I was identifying a body. Not once did they say he was ok.

While I was dealing with one officer the other 2 were looking around the flat and going through my stuff. They then left me with a note to pass to mike so he could contact them. Still didn’t say he was ok, so now thinking his bike had been involved in a crash and he was lying injured somewhere. I kept trying to call mike but as he was at work he couldn’t answer the phone. After 4 or 5 hours I did get hold of him, and told him about the police so he then started trying to call the police from his work. So wasn’t until 10pm that I actually saw him and knew he was ok.

He still kept trying to contact them Monday night and was told several times, there is no record of anything against him or his bike and they couldn’t tell him why 3 police officers are looking for him.

On the Tuesday morning I was woken up again by the police at 10:30am banging on the door to the flat. Mike hadn’t left for work yet so was still here. The police arrested him on the spot for suspicion of Burglary.

They then started carrying out a full search of the flat, going through everything looking for evidence and they had told us they had already seen items that they wanted to seize. They didn’t have a warrant for the search but because the arrest took place in the property it allows them to search it apparently. They also provided no paperwork for anything siezed.

We were both in the living room and told to sit separately Mike in the armchair and me on the sofa. I then started having a massive panic attack during all this understandably. The police wouldn’t tell us anything, so we didn’t know what was happening or why he had been arrested. Mike has either been with me or at work, so really didn’t understand anything.

The Panic attack was one of the most serve I’ve had. I was visible shaking, sweating and struggling to breath. The police weren’t that concerned with me they were here for Mike and had got him.

They Then took Mike away and I thought I’d never see him again as I thought he’d be taken to the station, charged and be before a court in the morning and sent to prison. When they took him away they said they’d go to Bury Police Station and then decide where to take him. So I had no clue where he was. My mind was racing due to the panic attack and was thinking the most awful things were happening to Mike. A couple of hours after the police and Mike had left I was still struggling for breath so called the NHS helpline on 111 and they told be to go straight to the doctors, which I did, I was given medication (emergency Tranquilizers) to calm me down and then came back to the flat to be by the phone, so I could wait for news.

It wasn’t until around 10pm on Tuesday that Mike got back from the police station. He hadn’t been charged but had been put on police bail for 2 weeks while they continue there investigations. I was still in a state when Mike got home and I kept passing out and showing a lot of worrying symptoms. So Mike called an ambulance at around 1am Wednesday morning and I was rushed into hospital with a suspected allergic reaction to the Medication the doctor had given me on Tuesday afternoon. So we didn’t get back from the hospital until around 6am.

Due to all this I still didn’t know what was going on with the Police and Mike until later on Wednesday when we could compare the experiences. It was because his bike was seen in a car park near to where a burglary took place, they had mike on CCTV but didn’t go anywhere other than into the supermarket and then across the car park to the petrol station. But because the supermarket couldn’t find the CCTV from the petrol station, he was then arrested held for over 9 hours and then bailed for 2 weeks, as the Burglary had happened there.

After the 2 weeks and when we went to the police station to answer his bail. They said they had now found the CCTV and that there will be no further action against mike, ‘a case of wrong place wrong time’ as the police said – They still didn’t provide any paperwork though.

During the time Mike was in custody he kept asking the Police to check on me but they never did. The police didn’t follow a lot of the their own procedures and policies. We have lodged a formal complaint about how we where both treated and this is still ongoing and now causing issues itself.

Due to all of this I have had a complete nervous breakdown, I’m unable to stop shaking since the police came back in November, very jumpy, have panic attacks daily. Seen the doctor and on more medication with counseling being referred too. The police have now put both me and Mike on an ‘At risk Register’ for vulnerable adults. Still taking it day by day so far I’m scared to be in the flat, scared to go out. even scared of the phone and internet.

I’ve tried arranging a visit to the local police station to go through my concerns and ‘nightmares’ so i can see the police arn’t as bad as i fear or imagine and that they are there to help and reassure people, but to date they have not agreed and keep fobbing me off.

The Above was Written on 12th January 2014  [whohit]My-Nervous-Breakdown[/whohit]