Category Archives: Future

Invisible Disabilities

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I suffer from a number of Invisible Disabilities including Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, being hard of hearing and having musculoskeletal disorders. On a good day people would never know, but there are times when some help is needed.

I’m very conscious of my disabilities and don’t like to let it show it. Probably stems from the stigma around mental health and people with disabilities and also my own feelings of not letting my disabilities affect my life. Everyone else can do it/things so why cant I. I’m sometimes my hardest critic. I don’t like to complain that i’m in pain, or saying I don’t feeling right, because that’s all I’ve ever known, just assumed that’s how everyone is. however through my counselling I’m starting to come to terms with things and starting to see things in a different light.

I Have seen that Transport for London is rolling out a campaign so people with hidden disabilities can wear a badge which says “Please offer me a Seat” BBC news Article I think this is a really good and useful idea. The only down side is that its only for London. I Sometimes struggle to stand for long periods and when travelling on public transport it isn’t always a smooth ride, as you are jostled about (no matter how good the driver), for me this can be very comfortable as my body moves one way or the other, the pressure on my knees and my muscles increases and decreases something I cant prepare for it and can cause more pain. I don’t like to attract attention and wouldn’t have the confidence to ask someone for a seat, even if they are sat in a ‘priority seat’ or a disabled seat. Cause like me they might have invisible disabilities themselves. So a badge would be a good idea. When I have had to rely on crutches to get about people have been more than willing to help me and offer seats, but i don’t always require crutches and being a 34 year old man people wouldn’t think that i’d be disabled.

With more awareness of invisible disabilities and illnesses the Metro News website did a great article of “Why are people with an invisible illnesses so scared to ask for a seat on public transport?” link to article here

So I’ve decided to take a very small step and order myself one of these:

16mm Round, Disabled Lapel Pin Badge

Invisible Disabilities are hidden, and not something to be proud of or to show off. But people wont know how to treat you if they are not aware. So a small disabled badge on my clothes, might not change anything, but some observant people might see it and may offer me a seat or help. Cant hurt to try?

Truthfully, I am ashamed that i’m disabled and that i’m a different to everyone else. But with counselling I’m realizing “Its OK to be Me” and I have to accept that I am disabled and shouldn’t be ashamed of it or ashamed of asking for help. I don’t think it’ll make a huge difference but even any small difference has to be worth it?

Time to Talk Day 2017

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About Time to Talk Day

 Conversations about mental health change lives.

At the moment, too many people with mental health problems are made to feel isolated, ashamed and worthless by other people’s reactions.But talking about mental health doesn’t need to be difficult. It can be as simple as making time to have a cup of tea or go for a walk, and listening to someone talk about how they feel.

Being open about mental health and ready to listen can make a positive difference to someone’s life.

“It’s #timetotalk because if you say something, you realise how many people around you haven’t, and needed to”

This is what Time to Talk Day is all about – giving us all the chance to talk and listen about mental health.

Whatever the hour, every conversation, every text, every share means more people are reached and more lives are changed.

To find out more click here

It’s OK to be Me

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It's ok to be differnt..

Well I’ve had 2 sessions of counselling so far in my current round of treatment. A number of things have come up that i’m currently working through.

I’ve got to encourage myself and teach myself “Its OK to be Me”

I’m a very sensitive person and take almost everything to heart, during counselling we worked out that rather than being myself. I’ve tried to please everyone and change who i am to fit in with other peoples perceptions of how i should be. This isn’t helpful or healthy. This is a very difficult post to write as it covers some of my most sensitive vulnerabilities, so apologies if i ramble on.

Appearance

This is a big one, I have never been comfortable with my appearance for numerous reasons. My hair when it grows long starts to curl and as a child i was teased a lot about it. Didn’t matter if i tried to gel it or style it, it always ended up curling. Always been told people would love to have curly hair, but for me I hate it. So much so now that its just easier and less stressful to shave it all off and have a skinhead. My clothes and style have also been an issue, what i find comfortable or stylish the majority of people wouldn’t be seen dead in it. This did results in sometimes being called names and some clothes were never worn again because of it. I have three very large scars on my knee after having a full knee reconstruction in 2011. I feel humiliated and ashamed that they are there and tend not to show them off. So Don’t wear shorts and always have my legs covered up. Nothings has happened or be said to me about my scars, but when i have gone out in shorts (very rare) I always feel that people are starring and talking behind my back about it. My Weight and body shape is always a concern for me. My weight tends to fluctuate depending on my health, and again I’m just not comfortable in myself.

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 Asking for Help

I don’t like asking for help, it makes me feel humiliated and ashamed. I Feel its a sign of failure asking for help or accepting help. Having numerous physical, mental and learning difficulties, i often have to ask for help in my life. It upsets me that i see other people who are able to do things without help, wish I didn’t need help, but i know i do.

Health

I’m not clumsy, i’m not accident prone, but if anything can happen it will to me. I broke my leg rolling over in bed. I Was hit by a truck while walking on the pavement. I Just seem to go from one medical disaster to another. It affects my life so much, from social activities to work. It is so embarrassing letting my friends and family know that I’ve been injured or am unwell yet again. It has become a running joke “Only You.” Having both long term physical issues and mental issues, symptoms tend to get crossed and confused. After a nasty fall in which i fractured my skull, i lost my hearing in my right ear. But i didn’t know until 3 years later after a different test for dizzy spells showed it. So i really don’t know what is physical or mental anymore.

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Dyslexia

I Have always had issues with my reading and writing from Primary school to now. It means i’m not as quick as everyone else and do need extra help in almost everything. A lot of people don’t understand Dyslexia and don’t understand that each dyslexic person has unique challenges, there isn’t a fix or and aid that is suitable for everyone. A lot of people see Dyslexia as an excuse and that your just lazy or cant be bothered. But believe me I’m not. I try so hard, I feel sometimes i work much harder than others but get the same results and that extra work is never praised. Unfortunately its a disability that people try to hide and find ways to avoid it.

Tiredness

Since 2013 i have felt extremely exhausted both physically and exhausted. I struggle to get a good nights sleep and also with all the symptoms like Panic attacks, anxiety, burping fits, sweating fits my body is working overtime to keep up. I have dark circles and bags under my eyes, which must make me look awful. I do try and push myself to keep awake and to get certain things done. But this runs me down and leaves me more exhausted. Taking naps during the day doesn’t really help, as still so much to do.

Again apologies if i Rambled, but hopefully, friends and family might understand a bit better, if they know how i feel and think inside. I’ve got to come to terms with all of these and just say “It’s OK to be Me”

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Failing when doing things correctly…

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I Seem to be cursed when I try do things the correct way it always seems to go wrong.

I paid Bury Council to take Bulky Waste away and they have refused. I am classed as disabled and have tried to do everything correctly.

I booked through the Bury council website on the 2nd January and paid £30 to have 2 mattresses collected and disposed of from Bury Bulky Waste Collection, the collection was booked for the 10th January 2017.

When booking online it said “Do not leave items that may soak up water, such as a sofa or mattress, out in the rain. Heavily sodden items will not be collected”. The communal bins for our block don’t have a roof on and I can’t exactly cover them to make them waterproof. It also says the collection men can’t enter the property – so I put the mattresses right by the front door of the building ready for collection and a note on the front door to the building saying to buzz up to my flat and we’ll take them out to them.

On the 10th of January I stayed in all day after rearranging medical appointments, ready for the collection anytime from 7am till 4pm. The weather on Tuesday 10th January was quite miserable with heavy rain, so wasn’t able to leave the items outside.

After 4pm i phoned Bury Council and was told they have refused to collect as they have not been left outside. No refund. When questioning them on the phone the reason why was apparently “we broke the Terms and conditions of collections”, which are not listed on their website.

I was told as a Bury resident we are meant to know all of Bury Councils terms and conditions, apparently in a welcome pack when you moved into Bury (which I didn’t get). I’m now left £30 out of pocket (which is nearly a quarter of my weekly income) and have two old mattresses stuck in a small 1 bedroom flat. I did everything correctly and yet paid for nothing it seems.

I have been told that I have to rebook and pay the £30 fee again. However i will be in the same position of not being able to place the items outside as i do not have anything to cover 2 mattresses.

I am trying to dispute this and hopefully get it all corrected.

Update – 16th January, Bury council Called they sent a van straight away and everything collected, no further charges.

A Positive Start to 2017

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Had a difficult but good chat with my new counselor this morning during my telephone assessment. She really did listen and wasn’t just focused on the events of 2013 but my life as a whole.

She agreed that I need to talk things through, rather than have CBT therapy to fix my symptoms, as CBT doesn’t get to the root causes of my issues. As I tend to bottle things up we will be doing Psycho-dynamic Therapy.

(The aim of psycho-dynamic therapy is to bring the unconscious mind into consciousness – helping individuals to unravel, experiences and understand their true, deep-rooted feelings in order to resolve them). Wont be quick fix, we are talking 6 months plus.

But feeling positive and a lot of what she said to me, made sense and I Start the face to face sessions next week.

Life has Stopped

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3 Years ago my life came crashing down around me and hasn’t really moved on from there. Greater Manchester Police have ruined my life! I don’t blame the individual officers but the force as a whole. It could have and should have been dealt with differently. Maybe if it it had Greater Manchester Police wouldn’t be a destroyer of lives. (sorry have really strong views on this)

We are 3 Years on from my Nervous breakdown and i’m in two minds. Yes I have moved forward since then and my anxiety, Depression and PTSD have improved on what they used to be. I know I still suffer greatly and this is has stopped my life in my tracks. People keep telling me i’m in a better place and have improved since 2013, but I’m not myself. I know i’ll never be the same person I used to be in 2013 but I’m struggling to find myself again.

Anxiety, really does rule your life. You have to try and plan everything, e.g. planning on what clothes you wear, I suffer from anxiety sweats so need to plan ahead. You gotta plan escape routes and where places of safety are if i should have a panic attack during the trip out. People who don’t suffer from anxiety are unable to understand how much it rules your life. Add in depression and PTSD flashbacks it is a constant battle.

Mental Health care in the NHS is not handled well. (coming from first hand experience) Everyone wants to “help” by giving you strategies to cope with anxiety, depression and PTSD. Not once has anyone sat down and tried to talk to me about what the causes of it are. So i’ll always be left with the causes and not being able to correct/deal with them, but just to cope with the anxiety and depression that affects me now. I understand we cant go back in time and change things, but i need to try and understand what happened. So far its been, don’t think about it, lock the memory away and throw the key away. So rather than acknowledging and knowing my feelings its just switching everything off and leaving me feeling numb to everything.

Life should not be like this, no one should live like this.

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Therapy.. All Change

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Well after another counselling session and explaining about my nightmares and being angry. The Counselor was very Good, listened, understand and made made changes. So Its all stop on therapy that I’ve been doing, Progressive Muscle Relaxation Therapy (PMRT). We have decided to stop this as its causing unwanted and unintentional side effects.

We are now trying a new approach, humanistic therapies, which focus on self-development in the ‘here and now’ rather than the events of the past. Apparently, my mind and body are ‘stuck’ in the past, reliving the events of 2013. So we are now going to try and retrain my mind to force it into ‘reality’ and not the scary, dark places of my mind. Not sure how this will work, counselor says it will take a long time and that it’ll be very difficult. But always knew it was a long road. As much as i wish for a quick fix, it wont happen.

I Have had quite a week, of unexpected things happen which I think I have handle well. Fireworks and Bonfire night (5th November) and anxiety certainly do not mix. Although I was anxious and quite jumpy i didn’t have a full blown panic attack which I expected to have. I have Contacted my GP to ask for additional support and for details to be put on thier systems under the Accessible Healthcare process. Have also chanced up a number of other things that have been causing me concern, so in all a positive week.

World Mental Health Day

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It’s World Mental Health Day today. Let’s remove the stigma for the 1in4 together. One in four of us will experience mental health issues at some point in our lives, and many of us will support the 1 in 4. We need a revolution in mental health services.

If you need support, contact your local Mind or Sane groups.
Mind.org.uk and sane.org.uk

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Dyslexia Awareness Week

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Its Dyslexia Awareness week!

I’ve suffered from Dyslexia all my life, its not something that’ll go away or can be cured. Its something that i have to continue learning to cope with. It caused me huge issues in school and in my work life, but there has been alot of help and support out there for Dyslexia sufferers. Still along way to go though.

What is Dyslexia? Click Here

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Links:

British Dyslexia Association

Dyslexia Action

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Starting Treatment

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Well I’ve started having treatment through Healthy minds Bury. Only had one session so far.

Since my Breakdown in 2013 I’ve been asking and asking my GP and any mental health workers I come into contact with. Asking and sometimes pleading to have someone to talk to, someone i can discuss what happened, what i was feeling at the time, but no-one seems to want to listen to me. Everyone seems to want me to do CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy). In order to help treat and manage my anxiety, depression, PTSD symptoms. Which in time would help. however i cant shift the feeling that i cant work on controlling my symptoms until I understand whats causing it. I cannot go forward until i go back.

Healthy Minds Bury are doing a CBT treatment course with me. And i’ll be honest i’m not sure. I’ll give it a go and back it 100% but its not what i asked for and kinda think the problems will continue afterwards. I’ll only be getting six sessions, lasting 30 minutes each every 2 weeks. I Know the NHS is stretched and Mental Health services are not that well funded, but do think this is a little poor. People like myself who have “imploded” and have numerous issues are kind of stuck. You can only focus on one thing at a time, then you have to have a pause after the sessions have finished to give time for what you’ve learnt to sink in and for you to adjust, before you can start the next issue.

With the amount of issues i’m currently facing, its difficult to establish which symptoms i’m having is physical or mental health related, this is how i found out i had badly damaged my hearing. With so many different symptoms some of which overlap its difficult to try and focus on one particular issue.

It’s taken me almost 3 years to get some help and this is only one step. A very long road ahead.

 

Holding My Own

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Well had a couple of tough weeks. For all the good my GP Surgery has done for me i took the difficult step of sending a formal complaint in to them. Due to an error over prescriptions and the treatment i received. Cant say too much as investigation still on going.

Good news though is that I’ve been Discharged from the ENT (Ears, nose and throat) Department at Bolton Hospital, as they are happy that there is on physical issue causing my dizzy spells. They have determined that its a  symptom of my anxiety. I will still be under Audiology at Royal Bolton Hospital, Probably for life. As will need new batteries and maintenance of my hearing aid.

I Finally had my appointment for the Orthotics department, that was requested in January 2016, at North Manchester Hospital. Getting some specially made insoles for my shoes.

Still on a waiting list for Healthy Minds Bury, at Fairfield General Hospital. They have been good checking in with welfare calls to check my state of mind, making sure nothing is getting worse.

Its amazing that with all the medical issues i have both physically and mentally, that its not just one institution that looks after me. So far been to 4 different hospitals: Royal Bolton Hospital, North Manchester General Hospital, Fairfield General and Rochdale Infirmary Hospital. Then you have my GP Surgery as well. The amount of medical notes they all hold on me would probably fill a truck. lol

Although things have been difficult in a number of ways, i’m not in such a mess that I thought i might me. I’m hanging in there, staying strong. Things are moving, maybe not the way or as quickly as i might have hoped, but its progress.

No more fight left

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I feel so guilty. Guilty that I cannot fight and beat this depression, anxiety and PTSD. Guilty of the effects it’s having not only on me but on friends and family. I feel guilty asking for help, others get along by themselves, so why can’t I bounce back. Why is life so difficult? I feel guilty for saying how I really feel and worry about the effects it’ll have on others.

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I hate having money troubles, struggling to get by just to buy food and pay the bills. I wish I could be back at work earning money, rather than surviving on handouts. Have stripped back as much as I can. Can’t go out as unable to afford things. Can’t see family as much I’d like due to costs of train fares. The money worries keep me awake at night and increase my anxiety ten fold.

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Here’s hoping for a cure  and an end to mental health sufferers globally. It happens so quick you fall apart completely and yet takes years if ever to become ‘normal’ again. I’ll never get back to who I was before my breakdown, that has been taken from me. Trust that can no longer be restored. Have found I’m more cynical of everything, as before I used to see the good in everything and everyone. I just get that sinking feeling, another battle, another fight. I’ve been so strong and fighting so hard, I feel there’s no more fight left in me.

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Starting to move forward again

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Well things are starting to move forward again, after grinding to a halt.

I Have received my appointment for the Orthotics Department, Was referred to them back in January 2016 and was told of a 9-13 month waiting list, but its come through after 6 months months so hopefully will be able to help. Although i am meant to be doing physiotherapy along side this, but that still up in the air between the mental health team and the physio departments.

After speaking with my GP and saying i didn’t think that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) was right for me at this time. I was referred to the Healthy Minds team in Bury. And Have an assessment next week with a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner. Hopefully will be able to get someone for me to talk through things, as thats what i think i need and have been trying to get since 2013 without success.

Also Purchased a new pill box for myself:

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As I Take 6 pills of different medication daily (42 a week, 168 a Month!) I kept getting confused with which ones I had or hadn’t taken that day. Put now can just have a quick look and i’ll know. Also saves lots of space as don’t have big boxes stacked on each other anymore.

All Small Things, but all positive.

Asking for help

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After speaking with family down in London, Went to GP and told her that I didn’t think CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) Was right for me at this time, I needed someone I could talk through my thoughts and feelings with. So I Have been referred to ‘Healthy Minds Bury’, so will see what comes of that. Also mentioned that i’m having mood swings and that my mood is normally a bit flat / nonchalant mood. So have had my medication increased. (6 pills daily now).

Been going regularly to Bolton Hospital since January for the dizzy spells I’ve been having, from when I fell and hit my head. Although they found that i had damaged and lost my some of my hearing, Reason why i know wear a hearing aid, but it seems that the dizzy spells i have been having are a symptom of anxiety, but GP didn’t want to do anything else as that’ll be for the Healthy Minds team and medication to help control.

So fingers crossed, hopefully be able to move forward again.

Philosophical thought…

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Just feel like i’m being Stepped on.

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Always believed in a higher power, Everything that happens to me i have always believed is for a reason. Either i was an extremely bad person in my last life. Or i’m being challenged to see how much i can take and handle. In order to get ready for something in the future.

But sometimes I think enough is enough! Argh! I Keep plodding along, but guess it comes down to old age question of “What is the meaning of life?”

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Hearing aid update

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Well I had a hearing aid fitted 3 days ago on my right ear, and wow i’ve noticed a huge difference already. I didn’t realise how bad my hearing was, hearing all sorts of different ‘new’ sounds. Still learning all the new wonderful sounds. Some sounds are already getting on my nerves.lol (The fridge motor being one of them).

Is a huge adjustment, will have to go back to the hospital every 3 months from here on out. But nothing i cant handle, hopefully. In 3 months time the Audiology department want to fit another hearing aid on my left ear. My left ear has always had the best hearing, but even in the short time i’ve had the hearing aid, i’ve noticed that the hearing in my left ear isnt as good as i thought. So maybe once i have both i’ll be able to hear the world in stereo, scary thought.lol

Will take me awhile to get to used to wearing it, think that’s why they want to fit the other one in 3 months time. Feels strange having something in my ear all the time, and does sometimes get a little sore, but from what i’ve read and been told, is perfectly normal as its my ear shaping around the hearing aid and it will get used to it.

The ‘new’ sounds and my anxiety don’t really go well together. but at least when i’m having a panic over something I can hear I can put it down to being able to hear it now and hopefully will help my anxiety in some ways as will be able to hear things better so wont be as scared on the louder noises.

Still a lot to learn, another long road ahead of me.

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Tinnitus & Hearing loss…

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Well new year and new problems, although hopefully on track to get it eased.

Been to see an ENT Specialist (Ear, nose and throat)  at the Royal Bolton Hospital. As i’ve had ringing in my ears since i hit my head back in 2013. Didn’t go well.

Having to have an MRI scan, as Doc things the bump to the head, might have shaken things up and the ear canals may have moved or been damaged, hoping not, but having the scan to rule it out.

They also did a hearing test and found i have moderate hearing loss in the left ear and severe hearing loss in the right ear. Normal hearing range is 0-20 decibels, I scored 35 in my left and 60 in the right ear. So will need a Hearing aid on my right side, which will be fitted in the coming weeks. Am not allowed to have a silent room, gotta have a radio/music/tv on in each room i go into, to help ease the Tinnitus and gotta have a special sound box to help with me falling to sleep.

Health Update

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Health Update:

CBT: (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)
Had my first (and last) session yesterday. They are unable to help at the moment due to physical issues and high pain levels. As part of the CBT process involves mobility and as I’m in pain it will apparently distract me. So have to get my knees sorted before they will work on my mental state. However surgeons won’t help till my mental state is better. Catch 22. Waited 12 months for this to be told no, had it happened earlier i might have gotten it done.

Physiotherapy:
Went to physio today. Very painful. Apparently I have issues with my hips to add to my knees and feet. They are weak and rotating my legs more than they should. Been given exercises to complete over the festive period and have to go back first week of January.

GP:
Doctors keeping my current meds the same but given me more pain killers. Takes my total of pills to 14 a day.lol

More Health issues to fight!

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Been to the Musculoskeletal Clinic at the hospital.

Feeling very sore after having my knee poked, prodded, pulled and stretched. My knee cap isn’t fitting in the groove of the knee joint. My Calfs muscles are not in control so are not puling the knee cap into place. I have flat feet and they twist outwards so this is rotating the knee and pulling the knee cap out of position. All of this is causing the pain and the crunching noise is the knee cap scrapping across the bones. as is being pulled and pushed in wrong directions.

Had 2 options available:
(1) Surgery, to cut some of the bone away in the knee and make the groove where the knee cap should sit larger. Would be done before christmas!
(2) Physiotherapy to strengthen and get back more control of my calve muscles. Also be referred to Podiatry to address the flat feet and my feet rotating outwards.

Due to current Mental issues we decided major surgery wasn’t really helpful. so going with option (2) Physiotherapy starts next thursday and been referred to Podiatry (currently 2 month waiting list) So long painful time to come.