Tag Archives: Stress

Domestic Abuse Survivor

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This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write or admit to – I’m a domestic abuse survivor.

I feel so ashamed and I’m full of guilt – because although at the time I didn’t realise what was happening due to the fear and the Coercive behaviour towards me – I did allow myself to become a victim and I didn’t speak up sooner.

With hindsight it was obvious what was happening and what was being done to me, but at the time I just thought I was being foolish and over reacting. I was ashamed to talk to anyone about it.

10 years have passed since these events and I now feel the need to talk about my experience. This is not about playing the ‘victim card’ or about getting punishment, but for the need to be able to let go of the things that have shaped my life and to try and start a new chapter. Some parts of my life during these dark times people already know and others, well I haven’t told anyone about it until now.

Back in 2003 I was living in London and met Steve online. We started chatting online then we were calling each other and when we first met, he really did sweep me off my feet. We started dating and getting closer and closer. We started talking about looking for a place together but we both agreed that London was too expensive for us and so we started to look further a field. We finally settled on moving to Manchester. After a number of wonderful weekends away in Manchester we found a 2 bedroom flat that we fell in love with and decided to put a deposit down for. We like any couple said we’d split all the bills and costs 50/50. Steve couldn’t afford to put any money towards the deposit at the time, and we didn’t want to miss the opportunity of getting this flat, so I paid the deposit in full from my bank account. We set a date to move to Manchester and both handed in our notices at our current jobs. We both went job hunting to try and find new jobs that we could start straight away when we moved and in July 2004 we made the move from London to Manchester.

For the first couple of months, things were going well for me and Steve in Manchester and we were finding our feet. Then we both left our jobs within a couple of weeks of each other, me due to bullying and him because he wasn’t happy at his current work place – which was a big problem as we didn’t have any money coming in. Steve wasn’t able to take out a loan due to previous debt but I had never had any debt or loans in past so I approached my bank and took out a big loan, to help us properly settle in and to cover the bills while we were both not working. As it was only me with some money, we set up all the bills in my name only (something I’d later regret), but at the time seemed perfectly normal. We both job hunted and I was lucky enough to find a job within a couple of weeks. He kept saying he couldn’t find a job which met his skill sets and would keep looking and promised to help with the bills when he was employed. We brought a little male Kitten to keep us company around the flat and called him Jarrod, who would become my constant companion and my main reason for carrying on in life.

The following years we had our ups and downs like any relationship. I kept on paying all the bills and after a while I just stopped asking Steve how the job hunt was going as each time it came up he would get angry and belittle me and would end up making me feel like it was my fault. While I was working, he was making friends in Manchester and eventually on all my days off he would be ‘away’ staying at his friends house or going on trips away with them leaving me on my own. I spent a couple of New Years, Christmases and birthdays sat on my own, feeling down and alone. If I brought it up, I was stifling his life and not wanting him to have friends. In the end we decided to end our relationship as it wasn’t making us happy and we were arguing anytime we saw each other. It was a mutual split and we ended on good terms. We decided to just be flatmates and as we had to 2 bedrooms in the flat it wasn’t a difficult decision. I carried on paying the bills without help from Steve and this just became the norm, there was always an excuse – and I didn’t want to make him angry.

After a couple of weeks of ending our relationship, Steve said that he and one of his ‘friends’- James – who he had been going and staying with – wanted to make a go of it and become a couple. Steve wanted James to move into the flat with him. I was told that as James already had a job he would help with the bills and we would split them them 3 ways. I felt backed into a corner as I couldn’t afford the flat on my own and I also couldn’t afford to move out and after years of living pay-cheque to pay-cheque, any help with the bills would be very welcome.

James moved in and for the first 2 months I did get help with the bills, but after that the excuses started. He wasn’t earning as much as me or he had an unexpected bill. So when a job came up at my workplace I mentioned it to James and we started working at the same place, albeit on different shifts. As our shifts didn’t match we agreed that as they ate earlier, they would cook my meal at the same time and I’d reheat it when I got home. This soon stopped after a while. I spent most of my day off and evenings in my room as they had control over the tv in the front room and so I would only venture out my room to use the bathroom or the kitchen. Any other time it was to complaints of needing to give them ‘space’ as they were in a relationship and couldn’t be affectionate around me.

The status quo kept going on. Banished to my room, while I pay all the bills and I do mean all the bills – The rent, council tax, gas bill, electric bill, water bill, TV license, telephone and loan repayments. I was paying all the bills in full without any support from them. When any issues arose – such as a late bill or something needing repairing in the flat – It was left to me to sort out and if it wasn’t done quick enough I’d get shouted at and belittled. Steve had not been working practically since we moved in and wasn’t actively looking for work. James was still working at the same company as me, but was on a different contract than me and hadn’t had the years of experience and pay progression that I did, so was earning a lot less and as such he said he couldn’t help with the bills as he was supporting Steve as well. Which I thought at the time was funny cause I was paying for everything.

There was a year that I had done really well in my job and had earned quite a good bonus. I didn’t actively share the news with Steve and James, but as James worked in the same company they found out. They asked to use/borrow £600 of my bonus money in order to purchase two bicycles in order to get out of the flat more, which in turn would allow me to use the front room more and they hoped would be allow them to travel to different parts of Manchester to job hunt for Steve. They promised to repay it at £50 a month starting next month when James got paid. It all sounded reasonable to me so I agreed. They went and purchased the bikes and within days of buying them they returned them to the store for a full refund. I was told that the bikes had multiple issues and weren’t suitable, but they were going to go and get replacement bikes from another shop, needless to say this didn’t happen and I never saw my bonus money again.

In 2010 my health took a nose dive. I had managed to injure my knee quite seriously. After numerous hospital trips, it was decided that I would need major surgery on my knee to reconstruct my knee joint and have several pins inserted to hold it all in place. The day of my surgery came, I was meant to be in hospital for 1 night and be sent home the next day. But after several complications I was in hospital for a week. Throughout my hospital stay, Steve and Jimmy never visited or enquired how I was doing. It was only when I had been released from hospital and made it home that they realised how serious it was. I was bed bound for months and was off work for almost 7 months – so they had to do everything for me and had to keep the flat running, although I was using my sick pay to pay for everything still. It was during this time that I began to realise they weren’t the caring friends I thought. As I was at home all day I could see that they would spend there ‘free’ time going to the shops or eating out and enjoying themselves but what really crushed me was the holiday. They decided they needed a break away and so went away for 2 weeks. While I was bed bound they really did leave me to fend for myself (Although they did graciously move the microwave into the front room so that I wouldn’t have to struggle to reach the kitchen!). I realised after coping on my own for 2 weeks that I could do things myself and didn’t need them. It took another 2 years and numerous hospital visits to recover from the surgery and feel more like myself again. James in the meantime had left the company I was working for and found another job elsewhere.

After fighting to get back to full health and getting back into the swing of things at work. I was more assertive and determined to sort my ‘home life’ out. I would get the same excuses and the retelling of lies, so one day at the start of 2012 when I came home from work I asked Steve if we could all sit down and talk about the flat. James was still at work and Steve kept pushing to know what I wanted to talk about and I simply said about moving out. I honestly did have the intention of saying if they can’t cover half the bills for this flat lets all find somewhere else that’s cheaper and more manageable, but I never got the chance to have a proper chat about things.

From that one attempt at a discussion things went down hill very fast. Straight after that conversation, I was given the silent treatment from both Steve and James, questions would go unanswered and I was completely ignored and shut out. So I started looking to find somewhere else to live on my own and through sheer luck found a perfect flat close to were I was working – and significantly cheaper on all counts. So I made an offer which was accepted. The new landlord wanted to do some renovations before I moved in and I thought it was unfair, no matter the treatment I had received, to leave Steve and James in the lurch so I agreed with the new landlord that I’d move in 2 months time. I told Steve that I had found somewhere else and that I was moving out in 2 months and that I had given notice to our current landlord that I was leaving and that the landlord said Steve could either give notice himself or stay and pay the rent and bills himself. Yet again I got the silent treatment, no reaction what so ever. I started to purchase things for my new flat e.g. toaster, kettle and put them in boxes with other things that I had already started to pack up. But, I soon started to notice when I came home from work, I’d find things in my room that had been moved or broken. I questioned it but the silent treatment continued. I began to lock important things away in a cabinet that had a lock on it. One night I finished a late shift and came home at 11pm to find cat poo smeared on the underside of my mattress and on the walls. It would have been impossible for Jarrod (my Cat) to get it where it was, so it was definitely put there deliberately. I spent hours cleaning it up before I could go to bed, which I think was the reason it was done – as I had to be up at 6am for a morning shift at work, which they knew I was on. It all came to a head when I came home from work on a Monday to find splinters of wood on the floor of my bedroom. After investigating I found the top of the cabinet of draws that I had locked things away in had been prised off. I went through everything and found nothing had been broken and nothing had gone missing but I just felt so violated and that was the last straw. The next day, Tuesday, I arranged for an emergency couple of days off work with my manager and spoke to my new Landlord, who thankfully was incredibly supportive and gave me the keys to my new flat that day. I picked up the new keys and started packing everything in my room into boxes. In the meantime while I was rushing about to get more boxes and getting things ready in the new flat, I came home to find post it notes started appearing on things in my room, stating that this particular thing belonged to Steve or to James. Clearly they had been in my room again. After a few hurried and panicky phone calls, my friends and family dropped everything to come and help me move. I let our current landlord know that things had changed and I was leaving immediately and, taking the higher ground, I paid the rent and the bills for a month – so at the very least Steve and James would have a month to find somewhere else. I moved out on the Wednesday of that week and that was the last time I saw either Steve or James in person.

The abuse started almost immediately and not just directed at me but derogatory things were said about my family. The day after I moved out, I went to use the new toaster and kettle that I bought and found that neither was working. At first I just thought these were faulty and I’d return them, but one of my friends and my dad both had a look at them and found that wires inside the plug had been cut and the heating element in the toaster had been damaged. Had the toaster and kettle worked they would have been ‘live’ to the touch. My dad was furious at this – as he recalled a conversation he’d had with Steve, where Steve said he had done a similar thing to someone else. Steve and James had plenty of access to these when they were stored in my room. Unfortunately, with my friend and my dad taking them apart and touching them, there was no evidence left that I could report. As I started going through the boxes and unpacking, I began to realise that a lot of things had gone missing. Some entire boxes that I had packed never made it to the new flat. I’m guessing these had been taken by the now Ex-flatmates when it was all boxed up in my room. As I didn’t want anything else to do with them, I just wrote them off as lost, I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of chasing them for things.

After the move, I didn’t have access to the Internet for a few weeks as I need to get a new telephone line installed at the new flat and once I did get access, a whole new can of worms was unleashed. I found that I was ‘locked’ out of every online account that I had ever had – from emails, social media to shopping sites – all my passwords weren’t working. So I set up a new email address to try and recover these accounts and shared this new email address with close friends and family and started getting reports that they were receiving abusive, aggressive and derogatory emails from my old email address. From the messages that had been sent, it was clear it was the old flatmates (Steve & James) who had ‘hacked’ my accounts. It finally dawned on me why the top had been prised off the cabinet of draws back in my old flat – it was to get all my passwords and ID’s to all my accounts. Some of my accounts they had deleted completely so I was only able to recover access to 75% of them. I’m now a lot more careful and have increased security with all my information as a result.

I was contacted by the old landlord that Steve and James had also moved out and we’d all be required to attend the final inspection of the old flat and get it signed off. The day before the inspection I went with my family to the flat to give it a good clean so that it would hopefully pass the inspection. We found that the flat had been emptied of everything, even though the flat was meant to be partly furnished. They had taken everything. Some of the walls in the flat had been half painted and it was left in quite a state. We did our best and spent the day cleaning and making sure it was ready for the inspection. Once we had finished we took photos of everything, just in case it was messed up again overnight then we’d have evidence. The Inspection day came and thankfully the flat was left in the same state as we’d left it the night before. The landlord arrived and advised us that Steve and James had declined to come to the inspection. I handed over my set of keys and hoped that this was now all over with. A week later I received the inspection report and they had charged us with numerous infractions and charges including the need to repaint the whole flat, electrical tests and damages. The deposit would be used to cover some of this but there was an additional charge that would be split between myself and Steve as we were the ones on the tenancy agreement. After discussions with my family, they agreed to cover the additional charges in full including Steve’s costs so that we could get rid off the old flat and reduce the risk of further contact from Steve and James. We paid the charges and thought that was the end of it, but then heard from the old Landlord that Steve was contesting the inspection report and wanted his half of the deposit back. I explained that I had paid the full deposit in the first place and Steve didn’t pay any of the deposit and provided my bank statement to prove this. The old landlord was very grateful as they didn’t want it dragging out. That was the last contact I had with my old landlord and the old flat was now completely in my past.

The abuse though kept coming via text and email. Somehow the ex flatmates found out my new email address and as they had gotten into my social media accounts they were contacting my friends and family and telling lies and generally saying horrible things about me, I lost a lot of friends because of this. As I continued to unpack my things I found more damaged items. All my CD’s and some DVD’s had been scratched so badly they couldn’t be used – and some had been scratched with offensive writing on. Showing how petty they had become even my photo albums had been damaged and any photos that I had with them in had been removed. I couldn’t take the constant barrage of abuse and unwanted contact so finally I contacted and reported it to the Police.

I came home to the new flat, within a week of moving in, to find someone had tried to break in. They had snapped off a key in the lock and there were groove marks along the frame of the door as if someone had tried forcing there way in. I immediately call the police and an officer came and spoke to all my neighbours in my building, but nobody heard or saw anything. The next day when I arrived for work, I was pulled into a formal disciplinary meeting. My manager had received an email from Steve making complaints against me. After a thorough investigation it was found I had done nothing wrong and it was just Steve trying to cause more trouble. I reported this to the Police, as it wasn’t just my home life they were making miserable – they were trying to affect my career. I was asked to make a formal statement to the police, so went down to the local police station and they took my statement and I showed them all the evidence I had kept. It was now being dealt with as a domestic abuse case and I had a specific officer assigned to me. A couple of days later, I met with the police officer who was handling my case and they had gone and spoken to both Steve and James. I was told that I wouldn’t have anymore contact from them and if I did to report it to them and they would deal with it accordingly.

Thankfully all the communication did stop – however, a couple of months later I started getting things through the post for stuff I did not sign up to – such as catalogue companies and the like. After getting them to investigate where the sign up was done and on a hunch gave Steve and James’s full names and the relevant timescales, they agreed that I hadn’t signed up and they cancelled the accounts and removed me off there systems. After a year or two I would get random emails from Steve, saying he and James had split up, blaming it all on James and that he hadn’t done anything and wanted to meet me for a drink for a chat. I always politely declined and advised if he keeps contacting me I’ll report it to the Police again. In the end I just stopped replying and blocked the email addresses. There is nothing that Steve or James can say that will ever let me forgive or forget what has happened.

In 2013 I suffered a complete mental and nervous breakdown. Although it was precipitated by other events in my life, I dont doubt that the stress and anxiety of all the abuse over the previous years that Steve and James had caused had a part to play in my breakdown. Through the course of my recovery, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and this might explain why I hadn’t spoken up and why I allowed myself to be used and abused in the way I had. In 2022 I finally managed to pay off the loan that I took out in 2004 and lifted myself out of debt. Its now 2023 and I have rebuilt a new life for myself. As I said at the start, I’m not recounting these events in order to shame or punish anyone, but its a way of opening up and letting go of the past. I dont need to relive these events in my mind over and over as its all here in black and white.

A footnote in my past, in my life. And here’s to looking to future.

Mikey

Autism Spectrum Disorder

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I haven’t posted in a while cause to be honest i’m scared, confused and very lost. I’m still coming to terms with being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and what it means and what effects it’ll have on my life.

I’ve always felt that i’m a different and that something has been ‘wrong’ with me since childhood. But when ever I’ve approached the subject or spoken my mind I’ve been told that i’m being silly or just making things up. I’ve always been the weird one and the outcast, and I’ve tried to cope by pretending and trying to fit in and to ignore how I’ve felt and thought. However now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASD, i’m trying to accept how i feel and what i think is ok and to try and express that. But it makes me wonder who I am, as i have been pretending for a long time.

Most people who are diagnosed with as ASD are diagnosed when they are children. I’m 34 and have found that there is not a lot of help or support for autistic adults out there. majority of self help guides and support groups are for children and their parents. I Just dont know where to turn. There is a lot of other medical conditions which are linked with ASD and I have numerous symptoms and alarm bells are ringing, but when trying to express this to medical professionals they dont seem to care or understand. From everything i’m reading and learning it seems i’ll soon have a medical degree myself. lol

All of this is making my Anxiety and Depression worse.

Conflicting Beliefs

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I’ve been continuing with my counselling and its been going quite well and we have been zeroing in on certain ideals/beliefs that i have grown up with and has been quite surprising in some of the “answers.”

I have always believed in the best of people, even if others have warned me about them or If I’ve heard something about their past, I can only see the good. Maybe they have changed, maybe it was just that once, or that it was the circumstances at the time. This has been my downfall numerous times.

I also expect to be treated badly by everyone, maybe this belief has just come from my past experiences, (abusive relationship, Bullying throughout school, disability discrimination, Homophobia), If i expect to be treated badly, then i can be prepared for it, if it doesn’t happen then that’s great. but this conflicts with seeing the good in everyone.

During counselling we established that I find that I unless I can do something to the same level as everyone else I feel that it is a failure. I do have disabilities both physical and mentally and I don’t believe personally that should affect how I preform. Everyone else can do, so would shouldn’t I? Yes it takes me a lot of extra work and is a lot harder for me to do things, but i don’t personally make allowances for it. If i do, then i find that i constantly have to prove myself, prove that i have difficulty, prove I have disabilities, prove that I have to work twice as hard and prove that I can do it. What some people find easy can be a very difficult and daunting challenge for me. Due to this I rarely find anything to be proud of or find something successful. Even if i did find something to be proud of, i don’t really show it as I think people will make fun or not see it as a particular accomplishment. So Physically and mentally, I know i’m not the same as everyone, but I Still hold myself to the same standards as everyone else.

So I can confirm my Mind is quite screwed up. It really is fighting itself in everything I do, as its trying to work out which belief is the right one. No wonder i suffer from Stress, Anxiety and Depression.

Losing grip on reality

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I feel am losing my grip on reality. I just don’t seem to know what is real or what i have dreamed / made up / imagined. It’s a bizarre feeling. I seem to have lost the ability to put things in chronological order / timescale. Things that happened weeks ago seem like yesterday and things that happened today/yesterday seem to be from weeks ago. I don’t know if this is a coping mechanism or something else. Am getting confused with things that have actually happened and things that i have dreamt and imagined. I know i’m not losing my mind but my mind just seems to be a lot more jumbled than it normally is.

I Struggle with getting things done, always thinking I’ve got plenty of time to do it and then realising that i don’t. I’m stressed and worried because i feel like i have so much going on at the moment and in reality when sitting down and working it out, its not a lot 2 or 3 big things and there’s nothing i can do straight away its waiting for appointments or waiting for the correct time to arrive. When I was ‘well’ before my breakdown, i was working as well as coping with everything else and now i cant seem to 2 or 3 things. It is so depressing and humiliating. I know i’m unwell and not in great health but it just feels wrong and makes me feel guilty and makes me feel like a failure and i’m letting everyone and the world down. I didn’t ask to be Ill and don’t like asking for help, but know i’m struggling. It’s very difficult to ask for help as i don’t know what help is needed/required or what is available.

I’ve recently restarted counselling and this may be what has thrown me out of whack lately as we did talk about a number of different things in-depth. Its scary being scared of everything and talking about it as it really does make you think you, you are crazy.

On the flip side there has been some good things happening.

  • Restarted counselling, I know its small steps and its working on one problem at a time, but anything is better than just stopping and doing nothing.
  • Under going tests for Autism It’s not another thing I suffer from, but a solution or answer to why and how i react / think of things. And so far things are making a lot more sense in regards to this. Have only had one diagnosis session so far and the result was that i have autistic traits in all 4 areas.

Where to start?

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Argh! Don’t know where to start or what to do for the best. I have so many different issues both physically and mentally that need addressing. I have noticed however all these issues overlap and interact with one another. The way the mental health team and the GP work is to focus on one issue at a time. Which in theory would be a good idea, but by doing this its causing different issues to get worse or has unintended consequences.

I have just finished an ‘Anxiety group Workshop’ course of treatment. To be honest I think it made things worse than it did in actually helping. It was good to find out and hear from others that they were experiencing the same anxiety symptoms as I was (although for different reasons) so I learnt that I wasn’t alone and that I shouldn’t be so scared of the symptoms of anxiety. But it did show how bad and deep my depression was, we had an exercise where we had to challenge ‘negative thoughts’ and turn them into positive ones. For example I’m nervous of going out of my flat. “Something bad will happen if I do” so we had to change it into a positive thought “something good will happen if I go out” but I found that although I could make up something and change it into a positive I didn’t actually believe it and just made me more depressed.

Things that need to be sorted:

Depression – Have had depression for around 15 years, It comes and goes but is always there. I was in an abusive relation for 6 years, in a job that i was constantly bullied in for 10 years. A lot of people have taken advantage of me and my good nature, which makes trusting new people difficult. Have struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality, and struggled with my disabilities – Dyslexia, Hearing loss, musculoskeletal issues, mental health issues. and often depressed about money. Feeling low increases my anxieties. I have been suicidal and don’t want to fall back into that.

PTSD – Still getting flashbacks and nightmares of the events in 2013. This increases my anxiety and depression.

Anxiety – Because i’m anxious all the time and have physical symptoms (sweating) and panic attacks means I often don’t go out, makes me feel guilty and stops me from doing the things i used to enjoy and this makes me depressed.

Health – Due to musculoskeletal issues I’m constantly in pain, which makes my mood low, I tend not to go and get anxious that if i do go out i’ll be in pain or make it worse and i’m not in the right mental state to face surgery on it. I’m on 13 tablets a day, which i know is a lot and proves to me everyday that i’m unwell and increases my depression and my anxieties. I’m very conscious of my hearing aids and how people might react to it.

It’s only a brief description of the things i need sorting, because theirs lots more involved and i’m not comfortable sharing or bringing up everything at the moment, hopefully will give people an insight into how everything is interlocked and overlapping. So when your focusing on one single issue the other issues get worse, and its like taking one step forward and 2 steps back. GP wants to know how i want to move forward with my treatment and what i want to focus on, but i really don’t know as everything is connected. Nothing is worse than anything else, they are all as bad as each other. Ideally would need to work on all of them at the same time to slowly reduce the effects but the Health system doesn’t appear to be set up to accommodate that.

Darkness of Depression

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I cant seem to win or move forward with my recovery. People keep telling me that i’m doing well and they have seen improvements but whats happening in my head/mind doesn’t agree. I seem to have so many problems that its always playing catch up, sort one thing out and another rears its head. If its not anxiety, its depression or PTSD or Physical issues, not forgetting financial troubles.

For the past 2 weeks I have been attending an anxiety group workshop. It’s been difficult on so many levels, this week in particular as we have been focusing on Negative thoughts. This just seems to be making my depression darker/deeper. Which in turn is causing anxiety as i don’t want to end up like i was at the beginning of 2014 when i was suicidal. The current focus of the anxiety workshop is focusing on negative thoughts and turning them into positive thoughts. I’m really struggling to find any positive thoughts that i believe though. Which is making me feel depressed. The medication i take for my anxiety and depression doesn’t allow me to feel anything, it reduces or blocks my emotions, which i have mentioned to the GP and she’s happy for that to continue as she doesn’t want me to be depressed or suicidal again. I currently take 200mg of Sertraline which is the maximum dose. So if i did go back to the GP for a medication review, it would mean changing the medication i was and trying to find one which works again, which isn’t the best idea, i think as that too could increase my anxiety or depression.

I hate feeling like this, i wish i could feel something else. Just don’t know where to turn. I’m in therapy, i’m on medication i’m doing everything i can but just seem to be getting worse.

Running on Empty

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Feeling both physically and mentally drained. Its been a while since my last post, but this past month has been exhausting. I feel I’m just going through the motions.

I have completed my one on one counseling sessions with Bury Healthy Minds and am now on a waiting list for group anxiety therapy. Their will be 8 to 10 people in the group. Hopefully I will be able to cope with it and come out stronger than when I went in. During my one on one sessions with my counsellor she recommended that I had a blood test done by my GP and that I get referred for an Austism test ( GP agreed and just awaiting appointment). The results from the blood test came back and showed high levels of enzymes in the liver, so GP has referred me for an Ultrasound at the hospital.

Having an anxiety condition and suffering from depression I have difficulty waiting on things. Waiting on referrals or test results, gives time for my mind to race through the what ifs? Hopefully one day people won’t have to wait.

My counsellor, family and friends have all wanted me to reapply for PIP (Personal Independence Payment). I had been holding off on this as its so complicated and delves deep into thoughts and physical issues. I had already received and completed a medical questionnaire back in December for the DWP (department of works and pensions) and said I might be called for a health assessment. So wanted to get this out the way first. After 3 months I hadn’t heard anything so applied for the PIP.

My worst nightmare came true when I received both the PIP form and a letter asking for me to attend the health assessment, arrived on the same day. I’m so scared, its my illnesses and me being judged and vetted. I understand the need for them, but wish their where less intrusive ways, and better questions than “So why haven’t you killed yourself yet?” Being asked. I know in my mind its a standard question and why they ask it, but makes me feel insignificant, unwanted and makes me feel a burden and wasting peoples time.

I didn’t choose to have physical illnesses and didn’t choose to have mental illnesses but they way I have been treated wether intentionally or not, makes it feel like its my fault. Which then makes the depression deepen and the anxiety worse. I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel like this but really is a poor way of handling things.

My GP has changed and increased my pain medication, is a lot better than the last one but doesn’t completely rid me of pain. As anyone who’s been in pain for a long time can understand it too leaves you feeling exhausted.

I really did think I was getting better at the start of the year but the past 2 months have shown me that although there might have been some improvement there is a long and hard road to recovery to go. That is indeed if I can recover. I know I won’t ever be the same again, but hopefully I will be able to wake up in the morning with enthusiasm and have a pain free day followed by restful nights sleep eventually.

Anxiety is Building Up

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Anxiety is building up and can feel i’m struggling / fighting off a panic attack. I’ve had a lovely few days with my parents who came to visit and i’m quite proud of myself i pushed myself a lot and survived big crowds and lots of decision making. Even though it was family i am very socially tired. Its kind of hard to explain, but when you’ve been active and been in a high anxious state for a while, you need a number of days to relax and chill out to get your anxiety and stress levels down. Something that i think has definitely improved compared to a couple of years ago, but does leave you feeling both mentally and physically drained.

I’m very worried/scared/anxious about getting the new Hearing aids. Have had a hearing aid for my right ear for just over a year now. And now I will be getting one for the left ear as well. After getting my first hearing aid, i realized how much i had been missing and felt so guilty and angry at myself for not realizing it earlier. I don’t know If having 2 hearing aids will make the alot of difference or not to what i can hear, hopefully will, but nervous about it all the same. Then there’s the interaction with the hearing aids and the TV, Telephone and mobile phone. Will i then need adaptations to use these? (TV Loop System, Special hearing aid compatible phones). Its a lot of unknowns and i know there’s nothing i can do about it until i get the hearing aids fitted, but i’m still panicking over it anyway. There’s a part of me that’s exciting about it, i know how much a difference my first hearing made.

Then as we go into April, benefits are reviewed and changed. Monthly payments for bills (Gas, Elec, Water) Have been changed as well. I wont know whats happening or whats going out and what if anything i’ll be left with after. I hate talking money and fiances and really dislike change. Again I know there’s nothing i can do right here and now, but i’m panicking about it.

I So which there was a simple switch to turn off my emotions, I really do hate feeling this way and still feel so very guilty that I’m mentally unwell. I always expect the worst, that way its a surprise if things are better than imagined, (Will need to talk about this to my counselor and see if we can do anything to work on it, it might come down to confidence issues again).

I Have looked into a number of disability pages and grants and to be honest its all very confusing and don’t really know where to start. Most of them you need an assessment or need to contact the charity/company directly, but when your scared of everything and really don’t like meeting people or talking on the telephone it leaves you a bit lost.

Stop the Stigma of Mental Illness..

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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

We have all heard this expression as kids.  While this may have seemed like a great tactic to use on the playground in self-defense, words actually CAN and DO hurt.  And the pain caused from them often lingers long past the healing time of any cut or broken bone.  Some words can cause pain that may never go away, or create an “invisible” scar that one carries around their entire life.  The memory of painful words can lead to a lifetime of anxiety, stress, anger, resentment, and fear, among other feelings.

stigma

  1. Get over it: It’s so easy to say these words when you are frustrated or “fed up.” Someone who ruminates or harps on the same things over and over can truly affect your own mental health. Someone who, for example, is severely depressed and continually speaks to you about a depressing situation, can make you feel depressed. Your thoughts may be “please get over it!” It’s perfectly fine to have your thoughts, but be mindful with what you say. It’s really easy to come across as uncaring, even if you don’t mean to be.
  2. You are not the only one: This statement can be said in the heat of the moment during an argument or period of frustration. This statement is often used by some people as an attempt to encourage another individual to get motivated to do something. For example, you may feel as if the person suffering is using their condition as an excuse to avoid doing things such as seeking employment, keeping a job long-term, or doing household chores. I’ve often heard this statement made from some parents to teens who are struggling with depression and tends to avoid doing homework or stays isolated in their bedroom.
  3. Don’t use this as an excuse: It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by a person’s condition and begin to think “they are using this as an excuse to avoid their responsibilities.” Be careful because this doesn’t have to be the case.
  4. You aren’t trying: When a client is told that they are not trying, they are likely to not try at all. This is called a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” A self-fulfilling prophecy is a type of phenomenon that occurs when someone is either told something that they begin to believe as true or when the individual himself begins to tell his own mind something that is eventually believed to be true. For example, a teacher can tell a child “you will never pass this test with your behavior” and although the child is very intelligent, they can actually begin to believe what the teacher has said and unintentionally underperform. We must be careful how we word things and how we express concerns. Some individuals with mental health conditions are truly trying, trying to the best of their ability. To say “you aren’t trying” can come across as judgmental, arrogant, and uncaring. It’s certainly okay, however, to share your concerns with the individual and ask them how much they feel they are actually trying.
  5. You can’t be like this forever: Sadly, I have heard many parents say to their adolescent child that “you cannot remain this depressed forever because you have to get into college.” This placed an insurmountable amount of stress on the individual and even led to worsening depression. Some individuals will recover very quickly with the right amount of medication and therapy while others may suffer for years. Making this statement will likely lead the person to feel inadequate.
  6. Get out more: Again, you don’t want to come across as judgmental or as uncaring. To tell someone suffering from a mental illness to “get out more” makes it sound as if you think the person is either strange or too isolated. You want to be careful how you share your concerns of the person’s isolation.
  7. You are lazy: Some individuals with mental health challenges can come across as “lazy,” especially those who struggle with depression or severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia. But it is important to keep in mind just how ill the person is before you make such statements. Laziness is a “character flaw” not a symptom of an illness. A person who is appearing to lack motivation is probably going through a mental or emotion struggle of some kind. You don’t want to make them feel bad for struggling with an illness. The most important thing to keep in mind is that if the person could see themselves or help themselves, they probably would.
  8. Do not assume you know how the individual feels. Even if you’ve gone through the same situations, or have the same disorder, everyone is different and handles these things differently.
  9. You are just being a brat: Some children and teens who are struggling with behavioral problems or mental health challenges are often unable to control their own emotions and behaviors. It is not very helpful for the child or his or her self-esteem to make statements such as “you are being a brat right now” or “just grow up, you are so annoying.” These statements can, again, be judgmental and confrontational. However, we all know that children push limits and boundaries. We also know that parents get tired and frustrated. But does this make calling the child a name (i.e., “brat”) helpful? Does it contribute to escalating everyone’s emotions? Does it cause the child or teen to see themselves negatively? Does it make the child or teen feel unloved or misunderstood? If so, I encourage you to avoid using such terminology.
  10. You are so sick: I have had the unfortunate experience of hearing some parents or guardians call their child “sick.” It’s a word that paints the individual as “strange,” “weird,” or “crazy.” It does not help the individual understand themselves and it does not truly convey the frustrated person’s emotions. It only serves the purpose of condemning and hurting the other person.

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Feeling Overwhelmed..

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Am Feeling so overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Just feel like crying.

I Haven’t slept properly in over a week, When i wake up i’m in a highly anxious state. So Much trapped wind as stomach wont settle. Causing me to have burping fits, this is bringing up stomach acid and giving me a sore throat. I’m sweating profusely all the time.

Christmas is meant to be a happy joyous time and at the moment its totally stressing me out. I Wanna do so much and cant. I didn’t get to enjoy Christmas last year due to my breakdown and had hoped to make this year extra special to make up for it and all my plans are falling apart and i’m right near to the end of my tether of saying “F*ck it” and calling everything off as it’ll be easier and less stressful. The same feeling i had last year and i don’t wanna do it. Its the small things that are getting to me. Waiting on presents to arrive and worrying they wont arrive in time and Money worries.

Got a lot of things coming up which we have been working to, Complaint to Greater Manchester Police about the lack of duty of care and the events of last november. Waiting to here if i qualify for Concessionary Travel in manchester with my health issues. And trying to sort out plans for Christmas and New Year.

Its all small little things that are mounting up and cause a big issue.

Just don’t know where to go or what to do.

OverWhelmed