Tag Archives: Normal

Changes?….

by

2

I’m rediscovering the world and myself since my autism diagnosis. Learning a lot about Autism (still a lot to learn) and finding that lots of my little quirks are often ‘Symptoms’ of Autism. I think i made need to change the name of my blog, as its no longer a road to recovery. I had thought that I had nervous breakdown in 2013 and have been trying to get back to how i was before then. Since my diagnosis I’ve discovered that how i was being and reacting to a lot of things in life was me ‘masking’ or ‘camouflaging’.

I’ve always known that I see the world differently to others and previously when i have said things I’ve either been ridiculed or put down. So haven’t said anything for years and copied how other people react, but now I need to learn myself and the world all over again and to accept and allow myself to feel the way I do.

So Maybe it I should rename my blog “Rediscovering the world” or “Me and Autism”, “My autism journey”.

I should have my final autism assessment by July 2018. Which will make it a year and a half to fully, pin down the challenges and hardships I face, hopefully making things a bit easier.

 

Conflicting Beliefs

by

I’ve been continuing with my counselling and its been going quite well and we have been zeroing in on certain ideals/beliefs that i have grown up with and has been quite surprising in some of the “answers.”

I have always believed in the best of people, even if others have warned me about them or If I’ve heard something about their past, I can only see the good. Maybe they have changed, maybe it was just that once, or that it was the circumstances at the time. This has been my downfall numerous times.

I also expect to be treated badly by everyone, maybe this belief has just come from my past experiences, (abusive relationship, Bullying throughout school, disability discrimination, Homophobia), If i expect to be treated badly, then i can be prepared for it, if it doesn’t happen then that’s great. but this conflicts with seeing the good in everyone.

During counselling we established that I find that I unless I can do something to the same level as everyone else I feel that it is a failure. I do have disabilities both physical and mentally and I don’t believe personally that should affect how I preform. Everyone else can do, so would shouldn’t I? Yes it takes me a lot of extra work and is a lot harder for me to do things, but i don’t personally make allowances for it. If i do, then i find that i constantly have to prove myself, prove that i have difficulty, prove I have disabilities, prove that I have to work twice as hard and prove that I can do it. What some people find easy can be a very difficult and daunting challenge for me. Due to this I rarely find anything to be proud of or find something successful. Even if i did find something to be proud of, i don’t really show it as I think people will make fun or not see it as a particular accomplishment. So Physically and mentally, I know i’m not the same as everyone, but I Still hold myself to the same standards as everyone else.

So I can confirm my Mind is quite screwed up. It really is fighting itself in everything I do, as its trying to work out which belief is the right one. No wonder i suffer from Stress, Anxiety and Depression.

Hearing Aids – Update

by

1

Had my audiology care transferred from Bolton Hospital to Bury Audiology. As this is a lot easier and closer for me to get to, making it quicker to get replacement batteries and to have the hearing aids re-tubed.

Bury Audiology had to do another hearing test today, which confirmed the results that I had last year at Bolton Hospital, however there was a decrease in my hearing on my left ear. Audiologist says that is normal as each test it might go up and down and is within the expected range.

She does however feel I would be better having hearing aids for both ears. So in 2 weeks time going back to have them fitted. They are the new ‘Wireless/bluetooth’ hearing aids, so they can ‘talk’ to each other and pick up the best sounds.

Will be another big change, but will take it in my stride. Who knew a bang to the head could do so much unexpected damage. Certainly didn’t expect to have to wear 2 hearing aids before my 34th Birthday!

Am not entirely sure how I feel about it, as I don’t like change, but trying to think about it positively. The retest results were a confirmation for me really, proving it wasn’t a one off. Hopefully my hearing will be a lot better in future and the fact it will be easier to get to the Audiology department, is really good. Saves time and travel costs. All in all a positive day.

No more fight left

by

I feel so guilty. Guilty that I cannot fight and beat this depression, anxiety and PTSD. Guilty of the effects it’s having not only on me but on friends and family. I feel guilty asking for help, others get along by themselves, so why can’t I bounce back. Why is life so difficult? I feel guilty for saying how I really feel and worry about the effects it’ll have on others.

index

I hate having money troubles, struggling to get by just to buy food and pay the bills. I wish I could be back at work earning money, rather than surviving on handouts. Have stripped back as much as I can. Can’t go out as unable to afford things. Can’t see family as much I’d like due to costs of train fares. The money worries keep me awake at night and increase my anxiety ten fold.

money-worries-preview1

Here’s hoping for a cure  and an end to mental health sufferers globally. It happens so quick you fall apart completely and yet takes years if ever to become ‘normal’ again. I’ll never get back to who I was before my breakdown, that has been taken from me. Trust that can no longer be restored. Have found I’m more cynical of everything, as before I used to see the good in everything and everyone. I just get that sinking feeling, another battle, another fight. I’ve been so strong and fighting so hard, I feel there’s no more fight left in me.

il_570xN.840089556_1ns1

Coming off the rails….

by

2

Sometimes coming off the rails in life can be a good thing. Although the majority of ramifications of having Mental Health issues is negative there are some good things to come out of having a breakdown. The main thing I’m realising is my out look on life and the world.

I’ve come to realise that for most of my life I’ve had my head buried in the sand, so to speak. Only saw the good in the world, the world was a great place and took people at their word. Now I’ve come to see the world as a horrible place, where everyone is fighting against you. People don’t care about each other or how it makes you feel just as long as they get what they want.

I’ve always been very laid back and ‘submissive’ just letting things happen and trying to adapt, but after November realising that i cant do that. I have to stand up and fight for my little corner of the world. (I don’t want much. lol). I am learning to stand up and fight and realising that sometimes other peoples views of myself don’t matter. I’ve tried so hard to be ‘normal’ and to fit in to life, but now I’ve realised that there is no normal. Normal is me! People can take me as I am or leave me, done with trying to fit in. If people don’t like me I’m not going to bend over backwards to get them to like me.

I’m Also becoming very aware of Politics and world events and how they do affect my life. Before it really never affected me when new laws or economic caps came in or if it did I wasn’t very aware of it. I’m now on benefits and out of work and not capable of working due to my health issues. So I’m now very aware of how politics and world events are now affecting my everyday life. People say its easy to life to live on benefits. I can assure you its not! Money is very tight, struggling to pays bills. When suffering from Depression and anxiety it just adds to the vicious circle.

People will say its a very negative view, but I kind of thing its positive to be able to see the world this way and to find my place in this world.  [whohit]Coming-off-the-rails[/whohit]

Off the Rails