This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write or admit to – I’m a domestic abuse survivor.

I feel so ashamed and I’m full of guilt – because although at the time I didn’t realise what was happening due to the fear and the Coercive behaviour towards me – I did allow myself to become a victim and I didn’t speak up sooner.

With hindsight it was obvious what was happening and what was being done to me, but at the time I just thought I was being foolish and over reacting. I was ashamed to talk to anyone about it.

10 years have passed since these events and I now feel the need to talk about my experience. This is not about playing the ‘victim card’ or about getting punishment, but for the need to be able to let go of the things that have shaped my life and to try and start a new chapter. Some parts of my life during these dark times people already know and others, well I haven’t told anyone about it until now.

Back in 2003 I was living in London and met Steve online. We started chatting online then we were calling each other and when we first met, he really did sweep me off my feet. We started dating and getting closer and closer. We started talking about looking for a place together but we both agreed that London was too expensive for us and so we started to look further a field. We finally settled on moving to Manchester. After a number of wonderful weekends away in Manchester we found a 2 bedroom flat that we fell in love with and decided to put a deposit down for. We like any couple said we’d split all the bills and costs 50/50. Steve couldn’t afford to put any money towards the deposit at the time, and we didn’t want to miss the opportunity of getting this flat, so I paid the deposit in full from my bank account. We set a date to move to Manchester and both handed in our notices at our current jobs. We both went job hunting to try and find new jobs that we could start straight away when we moved and in July 2004 we made the move from London to Manchester.

For the first couple of months, things were going well for me and Steve in Manchester and we were finding our feet. Then we both left our jobs within a couple of weeks of each other, me due to bullying and him because he wasn’t happy at his current work place – which was a big problem as we didn’t have any money coming in. Steve wasn’t able to take out a loan due to previous debt but I had never had any debt or loans in past so I approached my bank and took out a big loan, to help us properly settle in and to cover the bills while we were both not working. As it was only me with some money, we set up all the bills in my name only (something I’d later regret), but at the time seemed perfectly normal. We both job hunted and I was lucky enough to find a job within a couple of weeks. He kept saying he couldn’t find a job which met his skill sets and would keep looking and promised to help with the bills when he was employed. We brought a little male Kitten to keep us company around the flat and called him Jarrod, who would become my constant companion and my main reason for carrying on in life.

The following years we had our ups and downs like any relationship. I kept on paying all the bills and after a while I just stopped asking Steve how the job hunt was going as each time it came up he would get angry and belittle me and would end up making me feel like it was my fault. While I was working, he was making friends in Manchester and eventually on all my days off he would be ‘away’ staying at his friends house or going on trips away with them leaving me on my own. I spent a couple of New Years, Christmases and birthdays sat on my own, feeling down and alone. If I brought it up, I was stifling his life and not wanting him to have friends. In the end we decided to end our relationship as it wasn’t making us happy and we were arguing anytime we saw each other. It was a mutual split and we ended on good terms. We decided to just be flatmates and as we had to 2 bedrooms in the flat it wasn’t a difficult decision. I carried on paying the bills without help from Steve and this just became the norm, there was always an excuse – and I didn’t want to make him angry.

After a couple of weeks of ending our relationship, Steve said that he and one of his ‘friends’- James – who he had been going and staying with – wanted to make a go of it and become a couple. Steve wanted James to move into the flat with him. I was told that as James already had a job he would help with the bills and we would split them them 3 ways. I felt backed into a corner as I couldn’t afford the flat on my own and I also couldn’t afford to move out and after years of living pay-cheque to pay-cheque, any help with the bills would be very welcome.

James moved in and for the first 2 months I did get help with the bills, but after that the excuses started. He wasn’t earning as much as me or he had an unexpected bill. So when a job came up at my workplace I mentioned it to James and we started working at the same place, albeit on different shifts. As our shifts didn’t match we agreed that as they ate earlier, they would cook my meal at the same time and I’d reheat it when I got home. This soon stopped after a while. I spent most of my day off and evenings in my room as they had control over the tv in the front room and so I would only venture out my room to use the bathroom or the kitchen. Any other time it was to complaints of needing to give them ‘space’ as they were in a relationship and couldn’t be affectionate around me.

The status quo kept going on. Banished to my room, while I pay all the bills and I do mean all the bills – The rent, council tax, gas bill, electric bill, water bill, TV license, telephone and loan repayments. I was paying all the bills in full without any support from them. When any issues arose – such as a late bill or something needing repairing in the flat – It was left to me to sort out and if it wasn’t done quick enough I’d get shouted at and belittled. Steve had not been working practically since we moved in and wasn’t actively looking for work. James was still working at the same company as me, but was on a different contract than me and hadn’t had the years of experience and pay progression that I did, so was earning a lot less and as such he said he couldn’t help with the bills as he was supporting Steve as well. Which I thought at the time was funny cause I was paying for everything.

There was a year that I had done really well in my job and had earned quite a good bonus. I didn’t actively share the news with Steve and James, but as James worked in the same company they found out. They asked to use/borrow £600 of my bonus money in order to purchase two bicycles in order to get out of the flat more, which in turn would allow me to use the front room more and they hoped would be allow them to travel to different parts of Manchester to job hunt for Steve. They promised to repay it at £50 a month starting next month when James got paid. It all sounded reasonable to me so I agreed. They went and purchased the bikes and within days of buying them they returned them to the store for a full refund. I was told that the bikes had multiple issues and weren’t suitable, but they were going to go and get replacement bikes from another shop, needless to say this didn’t happen and I never saw my bonus money again.

In 2010 my health took a nose dive. I had managed to injure my knee quite seriously. After numerous hospital trips, it was decided that I would need major surgery on my knee to reconstruct my knee joint and have several pins inserted to hold it all in place. The day of my surgery came, I was meant to be in hospital for 1 night and be sent home the next day. But after several complications I was in hospital for a week. Throughout my hospital stay, Steve and Jimmy never visited or enquired how I was doing. It was only when I had been released from hospital and made it home that they realised how serious it was. I was bed bound for months and was off work for almost 7 months – so they had to do everything for me and had to keep the flat running, although I was using my sick pay to pay for everything still. It was during this time that I began to realise they weren’t the caring friends I thought. As I was at home all day I could see that they would spend there ‘free’ time going to the shops or eating out and enjoying themselves but what really crushed me was the holiday. They decided they needed a break away and so went away for 2 weeks. While I was bed bound they really did leave me to fend for myself (Although they did graciously move the microwave into the front room so that I wouldn’t have to struggle to reach the kitchen!). I realised after coping on my own for 2 weeks that I could do things myself and didn’t need them. It took another 2 years and numerous hospital visits to recover from the surgery and feel more like myself again. James in the meantime had left the company I was working for and found another job elsewhere.

After fighting to get back to full health and getting back into the swing of things at work. I was more assertive and determined to sort my ‘home life’ out. I would get the same excuses and the retelling of lies, so one day at the start of 2012 when I came home from work I asked Steve if we could all sit down and talk about the flat. James was still at work and Steve kept pushing to know what I wanted to talk about and I simply said about moving out. I honestly did have the intention of saying if they can’t cover half the bills for this flat lets all find somewhere else that’s cheaper and more manageable, but I never got the chance to have a proper chat about things.

From that one attempt at a discussion things went down hill very fast. Straight after that conversation, I was given the silent treatment from both Steve and James, questions would go unanswered and I was completely ignored and shut out. So I started looking to find somewhere else to live on my own and through sheer luck found a perfect flat close to were I was working – and significantly cheaper on all counts. So I made an offer which was accepted. The new landlord wanted to do some renovations before I moved in and I thought it was unfair, no matter the treatment I had received, to leave Steve and James in the lurch so I agreed with the new landlord that I’d move in 2 months time. I told Steve that I had found somewhere else and that I was moving out in 2 months and that I had given notice to our current landlord that I was leaving and that the landlord said Steve could either give notice himself or stay and pay the rent and bills himself. Yet again I got the silent treatment, no reaction what so ever. I started to purchase things for my new flat e.g. toaster, kettle and put them in boxes with other things that I had already started to pack up. But, I soon started to notice when I came home from work, I’d find things in my room that had been moved or broken. I questioned it but the silent treatment continued. I began to lock important things away in a cabinet that had a lock on it. One night I finished a late shift and came home at 11pm to find cat poo smeared on the underside of my mattress and on the walls. It would have been impossible for Jarrod (my Cat) to get it where it was, so it was definitely put there deliberately. I spent hours cleaning it up before I could go to bed, which I think was the reason it was done – as I had to be up at 6am for a morning shift at work, which they knew I was on. It all came to a head when I came home from work on a Monday to find splinters of wood on the floor of my bedroom. After investigating I found the top of the cabinet of draws that I had locked things away in had been prised off. I went through everything and found nothing had been broken and nothing had gone missing but I just felt so violated and that was the last straw. The next day, Tuesday, I arranged for an emergency couple of days off work with my manager and spoke to my new Landlord, who thankfully was incredibly supportive and gave me the keys to my new flat that day. I picked up the new keys and started packing everything in my room into boxes. In the meantime while I was rushing about to get more boxes and getting things ready in the new flat, I came home to find post it notes started appearing on things in my room, stating that this particular thing belonged to Steve or to James. Clearly they had been in my room again. After a few hurried and panicky phone calls, my friends and family dropped everything to come and help me move. I let our current landlord know that things had changed and I was leaving immediately and, taking the higher ground, I paid the rent and the bills for a month – so at the very least Steve and James would have a month to find somewhere else. I moved out on the Wednesday of that week and that was the last time I saw either Steve or James in person.

The abuse started almost immediately and not just directed at me but derogatory things were said about my family. The day after I moved out, I went to use the new toaster and kettle that I bought and found that neither was working. At first I just thought these were faulty and I’d return them, but one of my friends and my dad both had a look at them and found that wires inside the plug had been cut and the heating element in the toaster had been damaged. Had the toaster and kettle worked they would have been ‘live’ to the touch. My dad was furious at this – as he recalled a conversation he’d had with Steve, where Steve said he had done a similar thing to someone else. Steve and James had plenty of access to these when they were stored in my room. Unfortunately, with my friend and my dad taking them apart and touching them, there was no evidence left that I could report. As I started going through the boxes and unpacking, I began to realise that a lot of things had gone missing. Some entire boxes that I had packed never made it to the new flat. I’m guessing these had been taken by the now Ex-flatmates when it was all boxed up in my room. As I didn’t want anything else to do with them, I just wrote them off as lost, I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of chasing them for things.

After the move, I didn’t have access to the Internet for a few weeks as I need to get a new telephone line installed at the new flat and once I did get access, a whole new can of worms was unleashed. I found that I was ‘locked’ out of every online account that I had ever had – from emails, social media to shopping sites – all my passwords weren’t working. So I set up a new email address to try and recover these accounts and shared this new email address with close friends and family and started getting reports that they were receiving abusive, aggressive and derogatory emails from my old email address. From the messages that had been sent, it was clear it was the old flatmates (Steve & James) who had ‘hacked’ my accounts. It finally dawned on me why the top had been prised off the cabinet of draws back in my old flat – it was to get all my passwords and ID’s to all my accounts. Some of my accounts they had deleted completely so I was only able to recover access to 75% of them. I’m now a lot more careful and have increased security with all my information as a result.

I was contacted by the old landlord that Steve and James had also moved out and we’d all be required to attend the final inspection of the old flat and get it signed off. The day before the inspection I went with my family to the flat to give it a good clean so that it would hopefully pass the inspection. We found that the flat had been emptied of everything, even though the flat was meant to be partly furnished. They had taken everything. Some of the walls in the flat had been half painted and it was left in quite a state. We did our best and spent the day cleaning and making sure it was ready for the inspection. Once we had finished we took photos of everything, just in case it was messed up again overnight then we’d have evidence. The Inspection day came and thankfully the flat was left in the same state as we’d left it the night before. The landlord arrived and advised us that Steve and James had declined to come to the inspection. I handed over my set of keys and hoped that this was now all over with. A week later I received the inspection report and they had charged us with numerous infractions and charges including the need to repaint the whole flat, electrical tests and damages. The deposit would be used to cover some of this but there was an additional charge that would be split between myself and Steve as we were the ones on the tenancy agreement. After discussions with my family, they agreed to cover the additional charges in full including Steve’s costs so that we could get rid off the old flat and reduce the risk of further contact from Steve and James. We paid the charges and thought that was the end of it, but then heard from the old Landlord that Steve was contesting the inspection report and wanted his half of the deposit back. I explained that I had paid the full deposit in the first place and Steve didn’t pay any of the deposit and provided my bank statement to prove this. The old landlord was very grateful as they didn’t want it dragging out. That was the last contact I had with my old landlord and the old flat was now completely in my past.

The abuse though kept coming via text and email. Somehow the ex flatmates found out my new email address and as they had gotten into my social media accounts they were contacting my friends and family and telling lies and generally saying horrible things about me, I lost a lot of friends because of this. As I continued to unpack my things I found more damaged items. All my CD’s and some DVD’s had been scratched so badly they couldn’t be used – and some had been scratched with offensive writing on. Showing how petty they had become even my photo albums had been damaged and any photos that I had with them in had been removed. I couldn’t take the constant barrage of abuse and unwanted contact so finally I contacted and reported it to the Police.

I came home to the new flat, within a week of moving in, to find someone had tried to break in. They had snapped off a key in the lock and there were groove marks along the frame of the door as if someone had tried forcing there way in. I immediately call the police and an officer came and spoke to all my neighbours in my building, but nobody heard or saw anything. The next day when I arrived for work, I was pulled into a formal disciplinary meeting. My manager had received an email from Steve making complaints against me. After a thorough investigation it was found I had done nothing wrong and it was just Steve trying to cause more trouble. I reported this to the Police, as it wasn’t just my home life they were making miserable – they were trying to affect my career. I was asked to make a formal statement to the police, so went down to the local police station and they took my statement and I showed them all the evidence I had kept. It was now being dealt with as a domestic abuse case and I had a specific officer assigned to me. A couple of days later, I met with the police officer who was handling my case and they had gone and spoken to both Steve and James. I was told that I wouldn’t have anymore contact from them and if I did to report it to them and they would deal with it accordingly.

Thankfully all the communication did stop – however, a couple of months later I started getting things through the post for stuff I did not sign up to – such as catalogue companies and the like. After getting them to investigate where the sign up was done and on a hunch gave Steve and James’s full names and the relevant timescales, they agreed that I hadn’t signed up and they cancelled the accounts and removed me off there systems. After a year or two I would get random emails from Steve, saying he and James had split up, blaming it all on James and that he hadn’t done anything and wanted to meet me for a drink for a chat. I always politely declined and advised if he keeps contacting me I’ll report it to the Police again. In the end I just stopped replying and blocked the email addresses. There is nothing that Steve or James can say that will ever let me forgive or forget what has happened.

In 2013 I suffered a complete mental and nervous breakdown. Although it was precipitated by other events in my life, I dont doubt that the stress and anxiety of all the abuse over the previous years that Steve and James had caused had a part to play in my breakdown. Through the course of my recovery, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and this might explain why I hadn’t spoken up and why I allowed myself to be used and abused in the way I had. In 2022 I finally managed to pay off the loan that I took out in 2004 and lifted myself out of debt. Its now 2023 and I have rebuilt a new life for myself. As I said at the start, I’m not recounting these events in order to shame or punish anyone, but its a way of opening up and letting go of the past. I dont need to relive these events in my mind over and over as its all here in black and white.

A footnote in my past, in my life. And here’s to looking to future.

Mikey