Throughout my life, I’ve struggled to fit in. things people find easy, I dont and came up with numerous ways to fit it or ways to accomplish things. Despite this I’ve always been told I’m doing things wrong or someone would say “I wouldn’t have done it that way.” Nothing i have done has been good enough and honestly throughout my life I’ve felt a failure.
However since my autism diagnosis, my life and outlook on things has changed dramatically. Its difficult for me to accept that I’m different and that I am in fact disabled. Everything i have been through in my life and the way i react to things or the way i think, is different to everyone else. Thats a hard thing to get my head around. It wasn’t until my diagnosis that certain aspects of my life began to click in place. I’ve started to realise some of my reactions and feelings are autistic traits.
Because I’ve tried to fit in to the world around me and to be accepted by people I have learned to mask things. (Masking is a process in which an individual changes or “masks” their natural personality to conform to social pressures, abuse, and/or harassment). My counsellors and Doctor have agreed that masking is wrong and I should stop trying to conform to things and be my true self. This is where things are getting really difficult. I’m trying to be myself and just do things that i enjoy, however for me to do that i’m starting to ‘let go’ / forgetting to do things that would be classed as ‘normal.’ e.g. Energy bills or managing money that i really dont understand it and so am kind of ignoring it and hoping for the best, which i know isn’t the best plan. There are so many things that i still have to try to conform to and things that i have to do. Which goes against being myself and trying to bring down the ‘masks’ I’ve created.
How do i be myself and restart my life as an autistic adult if i cant let go of the image of a ‘normal’ adult i pretended to be. It really is a minefield and that’s before I even get onto my other health and learning Conditions.
