Tag Archives: Confidence

Hospital Disaster

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Over the past couple of months i have been having numerous hospital appointments and then had an operation. It was to remove 4 teeth (3 wisdom teeth and one other tooth).

It seemed to be one disaster after another. Although the operation was successful it was not without drama, trauma or stress. They really did not seem to have a handle on how to deal with Autism at all and has left me having nightmares about it.

It all really started with a mix up with hospitals. I went to Fairfield Hospital to see the surgeon and have xrays done. I then had a further appointment for MRSA screening as part of the pre-op before the operation, I turned up at Fairfield hospital to be told the actual appointment was at North Manchester hospital. So this test was rearranged and i went to North Manchester Hospital, to have the test done and was given an operation date and letter saying the Operation would be done at Fairfield Hospital. It really didn’t help that all the letters came from Fairfield hospital, including the one for the appointment at North Manchester Hospital. All these appointments happened within weeks. Not very helpful and quite an information overload.

I received 2 letters in the post regarding the day of my Operation. The First one said I had to be at the hospital at 12 noon for an afternoon operation and the second letter arrived on saturday afternoon before my operation on the Tuesday (monday was a bank holiday) to say I had to be there at 7:30am for a morning operation. Due to the Time of arrival and the bank holiday i couldnt contact the booking department to find which time i was meant to be there for, so we took the 2nd letter as the most up to date and went to the hospital for a morning surgery.

I wasn’t allowed anything to eat or drink from 11pm the night before. We arrived at The hospital and checked in at 6:45am. The little waiting room was very hot and stuffy. The receptionist behind the desk was eating her Breakfast and drinking cups of tea in front of patients who were nil by mouth which I thought was quite mean. I was already quite nervous and anxious before arriving at hospital and at around 11am nothing had happened and was still sat in the waiting room. I went up to the receptionist to find out if they had forgotten about me and after she looked into it i was told i was not due to have my operation until later in the afternoon and apologised that no one had told me. During the time we had been there we had seen other people being called in and some already coming back from their operations. At around 11:45am i was on the verge of having a major panic attack as i had been trying to hold it all together since the night before. After discussing it with my partner i decided that i was no longer in a fit state and really didn’t want to have the operation that day, I had reached my limit. I wanted to cancel it and rearrange for another less stressful day. So i went to speak with the nurses and asked to cancel and rearrange, i was asked why and i had explained i had autism i’ve been waiting for almost 5 hours with nothing happening, hadn’t eaten or drunk anything in 12 hours and was starting to have a major panic attack. The nurses really didn’t want me to cancel and tried everything to get me to stay and said they would ask the surgeon if i could go next instead of having to wait until later. I really did feel rail-roaded into having the surgery done.

The surgeon agreed to change his schedule and I was then next in line for surgery. I met with nurse’s, the anaesthetist and the surgeon. I was asked multiple times about my current conditions and medications, which I explained about my autism, PTSD, anxiety and depression. I was then taken down to the operating theatre around 12:40pm.

While I was in theatre my partner was sat waiting in the waiting room, he received a phone call from North Manchester Hospital asking him where he is and could he come into hospital as there was a problem with my surgery. He explained he was sat in the waiting room of the day surgery unit, so they said they’d be down to collect him. Around 10 minutes later he gets a call back as they can’t find him and he explained he was by the reception desk of the day unit at Fairfield hospital. For some reason they were looking for him at North Manchester Hospital. The switchboard was at north Manchester so they had assumed the surgery was being done there.

Once the confusion had been cleared up, A staff nurse came and collected him and took him into the operating theatre where I was and he was horrified to see me being forcibly held down and me “fighting” to escape. There was nurses holding my arms and legs down and others trying to keep the oxygen mask over my face. He explained that i had autism and they needed to stop as they were doing to much at once. He also explained about my medication and my anxiety, depression and what i had been through that morning. They hadn’t been told any of this, despite me confirming it numerous times that day. I remember bits of this as I started to come round during the operation. Apparently I had a bad reaction to the anesthetic due to the medication I was on. So they had to bring me round during the operation in order to give me a different type of anesthetic. My partner was told verbally what anesthetic I had a bad reaction to and was told that in future operations I should not be given it, however this was written down.

The operation which should have only been half an hour turned into a 3 hour one, once done I was taken back to the day unit. Instead of being put onto the ward to recover with the other patients. I was put into my own room in order to come round in my own time. Everything seemed to change at that point, myself and partner were treated with ‘kid gloves’ lots of tea and extra biscuits. Everything done at my pace. They seemed to be falling over themselves to be helpful, it seemed like everyone knew something had gone wrong and were trying to make up for it.

After hours recovering I was discharged and sent home. It was days later, when the swelling had gone down that I could see there was a stitch in one of the wounds and a week later another stitch came out.

No one had told me I had stitches put in (how many, how long they’d last etc), I wasn’t told by any hospital staff what had happened in theatre or what anesthetic I need to avoid (hopefully this will be on medical notes). As I will need to make people aware of this in future. Now feeling left very let down, traumatized and have loss quite a bit of trust in hospital.

Throughout my treatment from my dentist, to the consultant, the pre op appointments and the morning of the surgery. I told everyone I was autistic and had other health issues, but it all seemed to be ignored on the day.

There are however 2 silver linings throughout this ordeal that I can take comfort in. Firstly, the painful and troublesome teeth have been removed and secondly, how my confidence has grown (through the help of life coaching) in order to stand up and say I wanted to cancel and rebook, despite being forced into it, previously I would never have stood up for myself in that way.

So all in all a disastrous hospital trip with NHS staff needing a lot more autism recognition and training. Being overwhelmed with information and dates at different hospitals and lasting nightmares about being held down and ignored however I will seek treatment for it and will give feed back to the hospital as no-one should have to endure what I was subjected to. It would be difficult for a normal person to deal with let alone someone on the autism spectrum.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

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I haven’t posted in a while cause to be honest i’m scared, confused and very lost. I’m still coming to terms with being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and what it means and what effects it’ll have on my life.

I’ve always felt that i’m a different and that something has been ‘wrong’ with me since childhood. But when ever I’ve approached the subject or spoken my mind I’ve been told that i’m being silly or just making things up. I’ve always been the weird one and the outcast, and I’ve tried to cope by pretending and trying to fit in and to ignore how I’ve felt and thought. However now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASD, i’m trying to accept how i feel and what i think is ok and to try and express that. But it makes me wonder who I am, as i have been pretending for a long time.

Most people who are diagnosed with as ASD are diagnosed when they are children. I’m 34 and have found that there is not a lot of help or support for autistic adults out there. majority of self help guides and support groups are for children and their parents. I Just dont know where to turn. There is a lot of other medical conditions which are linked with ASD and I have numerous symptoms and alarm bells are ringing, but when trying to express this to medical professionals they dont seem to care or understand. From everything i’m reading and learning it seems i’ll soon have a medical degree myself. lol

All of this is making my Anxiety and Depression worse.

Conflicting Beliefs

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I’ve been continuing with my counselling and its been going quite well and we have been zeroing in on certain ideals/beliefs that i have grown up with and has been quite surprising in some of the “answers.”

I have always believed in the best of people, even if others have warned me about them or If I’ve heard something about their past, I can only see the good. Maybe they have changed, maybe it was just that once, or that it was the circumstances at the time. This has been my downfall numerous times.

I also expect to be treated badly by everyone, maybe this belief has just come from my past experiences, (abusive relationship, Bullying throughout school, disability discrimination, Homophobia), If i expect to be treated badly, then i can be prepared for it, if it doesn’t happen then that’s great. but this conflicts with seeing the good in everyone.

During counselling we established that I find that I unless I can do something to the same level as everyone else I feel that it is a failure. I do have disabilities both physical and mentally and I don’t believe personally that should affect how I preform. Everyone else can do, so would shouldn’t I? Yes it takes me a lot of extra work and is a lot harder for me to do things, but i don’t personally make allowances for it. If i do, then i find that i constantly have to prove myself, prove that i have difficulty, prove I have disabilities, prove that I have to work twice as hard and prove that I can do it. What some people find easy can be a very difficult and daunting challenge for me. Due to this I rarely find anything to be proud of or find something successful. Even if i did find something to be proud of, i don’t really show it as I think people will make fun or not see it as a particular accomplishment. So Physically and mentally, I know i’m not the same as everyone, but I Still hold myself to the same standards as everyone else.

So I can confirm my Mind is quite screwed up. It really is fighting itself in everything I do, as its trying to work out which belief is the right one. No wonder i suffer from Stress, Anxiety and Depression.

Hearing Aids – Update

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Had my audiology care transferred from Bolton Hospital to Bury Audiology. As this is a lot easier and closer for me to get to, making it quicker to get replacement batteries and to have the hearing aids re-tubed.

Bury Audiology had to do another hearing test today, which confirmed the results that I had last year at Bolton Hospital, however there was a decrease in my hearing on my left ear. Audiologist says that is normal as each test it might go up and down and is within the expected range.

She does however feel I would be better having hearing aids for both ears. So in 2 weeks time going back to have them fitted. They are the new ‘Wireless/bluetooth’ hearing aids, so they can ‘talk’ to each other and pick up the best sounds.

Will be another big change, but will take it in my stride. Who knew a bang to the head could do so much unexpected damage. Certainly didn’t expect to have to wear 2 hearing aids before my 34th Birthday!

Am not entirely sure how I feel about it, as I don’t like change, but trying to think about it positively. The retest results were a confirmation for me really, proving it wasn’t a one off. Hopefully my hearing will be a lot better in future and the fact it will be easier to get to the Audiology department, is really good. Saves time and travel costs. All in all a positive day.

Trouble Communicating

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I have trouble communicating. May sound very silly saying that while I’m writing a blog about my Road to Recovery. But communication isn’t just about talking. There’s hearing, talking, writing, feeling, expressing myself the list goes on, everyday we communicate with each other a vast number of ways and I have always struggled.

Hearing:

I am hard of hearing ans wear a hearing aid. I also suffer from tinnitus so being able to listen and understand people can be quite challenging at times especially in noisy environments.

Writing:

I suffer from Dyslexia and I admit have quite bad handwriting. When writing anything wether it be online or on paper, I tend to use words that I know. If I struggle to spell something I’ll tend to go round the houses and waffle alot to get my point across. Yes I know there are spellcheckers available, but when you have dyslexia you don’t always ‘see’ the letters in the words in the correct order. I can read ok, but somewhere in my mind after taking the information on it gets scrambled and doesn’t necessarily come back out correctly. I’ve struggled with dyslexia all my life and despite what my previous work managers its not something that can be cured or something I will grow out of.

Feelings:

Ive always been a person who hides there feelings since being bullied at school and throughout my life. Its easier for me to lock away my feelings rather than deal with them. Feelings are a major way to communicate e.g. of your angry, upset etc.. Since my breakdown I have been on antidepressants and anxiety medications and this further numbs my feelings. However through counselling I’m starting to explore feelings again.

Talking:

Again another one that seems strange for me to have difficulty with, having been in call centre jobs for almost 13 Years I’ve done a lot of talking on the phone, but that was business talk. Talking about me is whole different thing. I hate talking on the phone now days due to a number of factors, my long career of telephone jobs, my difficulties in hearing, the lack of seeing someone’s body language, anxiety to name a few. I don’t know what to say to people some times. At the moment I’m not working or socialising, so I don’t have a lot to say. I’m anxious I’ll say the wrong thing or my mood (which isn’t always uplifting!)  may come across. Its just easier to avoid things.

Expressing myself:

Its difficult for me to express myself due to the reasons above but also because I don’t have the confidence. I’m always afraid something bad will happen or what I’ve said or done will be taken in the wrong context. I’m not good, in fact I’m terrible in social settings. I’m always the quiet one stood in the corner of the room. I have a number of online friends that I know and chat to and would love to meet in person but with a lack of confidence and communication skills again its easier to avoid.

Outlet:

I do find that writing my blog posts or facebook/Twitter status is a big outlet for. There’s no time pressure, I can review things before I post them and in a way its how I can disconnect from myself to say how I’m feeling and share my anxieties.

Hopefully this post will give people a insight into myself and why I’m not always forthcoming with feelings, conversations or meeting up with people. Its not that o don’t care or that on lazy it genuinely is a struggle for me.

Invisible Disabilities

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I suffer from a number of Invisible Disabilities including Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, being hard of hearing and having musculoskeletal disorders. On a good day people would never know, but there are times when some help is needed.

I’m very conscious of my disabilities and don’t like to let it show it. Probably stems from the stigma around mental health and people with disabilities and also my own feelings of not letting my disabilities affect my life. Everyone else can do it/things so why cant I. I’m sometimes my hardest critic. I don’t like to complain that i’m in pain, or saying I don’t feeling right, because that’s all I’ve ever known, just assumed that’s how everyone is. however through my counselling I’m starting to come to terms with things and starting to see things in a different light.

I Have seen that Transport for London is rolling out a campaign so people with hidden disabilities can wear a badge which says “Please offer me a Seat” BBC news Article I think this is a really good and useful idea. The only down side is that its only for London. I Sometimes struggle to stand for long periods and when travelling on public transport it isn’t always a smooth ride, as you are jostled about (no matter how good the driver), for me this can be very comfortable as my body moves one way or the other, the pressure on my knees and my muscles increases and decreases something I cant prepare for it and can cause more pain. I don’t like to attract attention and wouldn’t have the confidence to ask someone for a seat, even if they are sat in a ‘priority seat’ or a disabled seat. Cause like me they might have invisible disabilities themselves. So a badge would be a good idea. When I have had to rely on crutches to get about people have been more than willing to help me and offer seats, but i don’t always require crutches and being a 34 year old man people wouldn’t think that i’d be disabled.

With more awareness of invisible disabilities and illnesses the Metro News website did a great article of “Why are people with an invisible illnesses so scared to ask for a seat on public transport?” link to article here

So I’ve decided to take a very small step and order myself one of these:

16mm Round, Disabled Lapel Pin Badge

Invisible Disabilities are hidden, and not something to be proud of or to show off. But people wont know how to treat you if they are not aware. So a small disabled badge on my clothes, might not change anything, but some observant people might see it and may offer me a seat or help. Cant hurt to try?

Truthfully, I am ashamed that i’m disabled and that i’m a different to everyone else. But with counselling I’m realizing “Its OK to be Me” and I have to accept that I am disabled and shouldn’t be ashamed of it or ashamed of asking for help. I don’t think it’ll make a huge difference but even any small difference has to be worth it?

Plodding Along….

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Haven’t done an update in a while. Mainly because I’ve had nothing to report on. The benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) (vertigo) has improved alot since the doctor did his tests and exams. Still feeling very low on energy though. but the dizziness has subsided thankfully.

As for the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD, not much has changed. Have been focusing on the physical and getting them under control. So i’m not having too many panic attacks or burping fits as i used to. Sleep is still hit and miss, I am sleeping but wake up exhausted, not feeling any better for it. Still waiting for my referral for CBT to help.

I am having major problems with Social anxiety at the moment. Due to a mix of reasons. I feel safe in my home, I have gotten things under control, when i go out so much is out of my control. Things can go wrong so quickly and i don’t have any safety net or safe place to get to if i go out. Also i have stayed in and not been very active mainly due to the vertigo (BVVP) cant really go out and enjoy yourself if your dizzy. The good side though is now i’m getting over it and getting control of my physical symptoms.

I wish i had my confidence, to get out and meet more people. Its not that i haven’t had the offers, its just i’m way to scared.lol (Not as tough as my online persona shows). Unfortunately not every ‘gets it’ and think i’m just brushing them off, but i’m really not, would love to meet with some people, but just cant get over that hump to do it. Always had confidence issues.

 

Confidence V Risk Taking

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Well Since my breakdown in November, I have started to realize that the world i create in my mind and the things i image happening are a lot more worse and scary then real life itself. I Have found myself wanting to do things that i would have before said was too dangerous or stupid to do. What i deem stupid and dangerous is quite different to everyone else. I haven’t had the best confidence, and have had other health issues (knees) which have restricted some of the activities i would have liked to do.

I have noticed a trending of me wanting to do more things that are out of my comfort zone. Is this because i have a new found confidence that the world isn’t as scary as it used to me. Or is it me just taking more risks, cause I’m in the what the hell mood, nothing can be as worse as what I’ve already experienced.

It could be both a boost to me confidence as well as more risk taking. I’m not planning on doing anything silly, but more open to ideas now than i was before ( See my Bucket List). Incresed risk taking esp, with my mental health issues are a worry, but its also something that is well known and documented with people who have PTSD and Depression. As for the increased confidence i think this is more that i ahve realized in myself that The Reality of the world is not as scary as what my mind can produce. Then again i’m still scared and have no confidence going out, another symptom of my Anxiety Disorder.  [whohit]Confidence-V-Risk-Taking[/whohit]

Bucket Lists?

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Are bucket lists a good idea?

I’ve been debating to make one or not. I haven’t been well for a while and during the darker times been suicidal.  So is creating a bucket list a reason to live to accomplish the list or a morbid thought of death, and what then happens if i ever get to complete my list?

There are lots of things i would like to do or try and creating a bucket might help me to do this as people may see it and get in touch. It’d give me something to look forward to, something to build myself up for and would help get me out the flat. Since the breakdown I’ve started to realize that real life isn’t as scary as the thoughts in my head. I don’t know if that’s new found confidence or just a ‘What the hell to the risks.’

On searching the internet there are hundreds of thousands of bucket lists out there each person creating there own individual lists. Although somethings that would go on my list I’d doubt I’ll ever be given the opportunity to do and other things may seem simple and easy for some would be a challenge or a personal goal for me. I don’t have the best confidence ever in fact would rather hide away from things, but having a list that others can see and push me to complete or help me, people might even want to join in with some of the antics. So i guess Bucket lists aren’t a bad idea after all. I guess it’s a matter of perception. If only we could please everyone at the same time.  [whohit]Bucket-Lists[/whohit]