Tag Archives: Benefits

Anxiety is Building Up

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Anxiety is building up and can feel i’m struggling / fighting off a panic attack. I’ve had a lovely few days with my parents who came to visit and i’m quite proud of myself i pushed myself a lot and survived big crowds and lots of decision making. Even though it was family i am very socially tired. Its kind of hard to explain, but when you’ve been active and been in a high anxious state for a while, you need a number of days to relax and chill out to get your anxiety and stress levels down. Something that i think has definitely improved compared to a couple of years ago, but does leave you feeling both mentally and physically drained.

I’m very worried/scared/anxious about getting the new Hearing aids. Have had a hearing aid for my right ear for just over a year now. And now I will be getting one for the left ear as well. After getting my first hearing aid, i realized how much i had been missing and felt so guilty and angry at myself for not realizing it earlier. I don’t know If having 2 hearing aids will make the alot of difference or not to what i can hear, hopefully will, but nervous about it all the same. Then there’s the interaction with the hearing aids and the TV, Telephone and mobile phone. Will i then need adaptations to use these? (TV Loop System, Special hearing aid compatible phones). Its a lot of unknowns and i know there’s nothing i can do about it until i get the hearing aids fitted, but i’m still panicking over it anyway. There’s a part of me that’s exciting about it, i know how much a difference my first hearing made.

Then as we go into April, benefits are reviewed and changed. Monthly payments for bills (Gas, Elec, Water) Have been changed as well. I wont know whats happening or whats going out and what if anything i’ll be left with after. I hate talking money and fiances and really dislike change. Again I know there’s nothing i can do right here and now, but i’m panicking about it.

I So which there was a simple switch to turn off my emotions, I really do hate feeling this way and still feel so very guilty that I’m mentally unwell. I always expect the worst, that way its a surprise if things are better than imagined, (Will need to talk about this to my counselor and see if we can do anything to work on it, it might come down to confidence issues again).

I Have looked into a number of disability pages and grants and to be honest its all very confusing and don’t really know where to start. Most of them you need an assessment or need to contact the charity/company directly, but when your scared of everything and really don’t like meeting people or talking on the telephone it leaves you a bit lost.

Under going tests

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Been quite quiet on here of late. Been going through a barrage of tests to find out why i keep collapsing and having dizzy spells. Thought it was my medication but after having them changed i’m still having issues.

Had a number of blood test which shows elevated levels in my liver so had more blood taken today.

Been quite stressful and anxious time, probably why my sleeping patterns have been thrown out again. So exhausted. Been having alot of mood swings and been very depressed but trying to cope.

Doesn’t help having money troubles either. Living on benefits isnt easy or nice.

 

Coming off the rails….

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Sometimes coming off the rails in life can be a good thing. Although the majority of ramifications of having Mental Health issues is negative there are some good things to come out of having a breakdown. The main thing I’m realising is my out look on life and the world.

I’ve come to realise that for most of my life I’ve had my head buried in the sand, so to speak. Only saw the good in the world, the world was a great place and took people at their word. Now I’ve come to see the world as a horrible place, where everyone is fighting against you. People don’t care about each other or how it makes you feel just as long as they get what they want.

I’ve always been very laid back and ‘submissive’ just letting things happen and trying to adapt, but after November realising that i cant do that. I have to stand up and fight for my little corner of the world. (I don’t want much. lol). I am learning to stand up and fight and realising that sometimes other peoples views of myself don’t matter. I’ve tried so hard to be ‘normal’ and to fit in to life, but now I’ve realised that there is no normal. Normal is me! People can take me as I am or leave me, done with trying to fit in. If people don’t like me I’m not going to bend over backwards to get them to like me.

I’m Also becoming very aware of Politics and world events and how they do affect my life. Before it really never affected me when new laws or economic caps came in or if it did I wasn’t very aware of it. I’m now on benefits and out of work and not capable of working due to my health issues. So I’m now very aware of how politics and world events are now affecting my everyday life. People say its easy to life to live on benefits. I can assure you its not! Money is very tight, struggling to pays bills. When suffering from Depression and anxiety it just adds to the vicious circle.

People will say its a very negative view, but I kind of thing its positive to be able to see the world this way and to find my place in this world.  [whohit]Coming-off-the-rails[/whohit]

Off the Rails