Tag Archives: Sleep

Another Diagnosis – Fibromyalgia

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Well as anyone who knows me, will know that i’m not very well. Doctors seem to agree as I’ve received another diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.

The main symptoms of fibromyalgia are outlined below.

 Widespread pain
If you have fibromyalgia, one of the main symptoms is likely to be widespread pain. This may be felt throughout your body, but could be worse in particular areas, such as your back or neck. The pain is likely to be continuous, although it may be better or more severe at different times.The pain could feel like:

  • an ache
  • a burning sensation
  • a sharp, stabbing pain
 Extreme sensitivity
Fibromyalgia can make you extremely sensitive to pain all over your body, and you may find that even the slightest touch is painful. If you hurt yourself – such as stubbing your toe – the pain may continue for much longer than it normally would.
 Stiffness
Fibromyalgia can make you feel stiff. The stiffness may be most severe when you’ve been in the same position for a long period of time – for example, when you first wake up in the morning.It can also cause your muscles to spasm, which is when they contract (squeeze) tightly and painfully.Fatigue

Fibromyalgia can cause fatigue (extreme tiredness). This can range from a mild, tired feeling to the exhaustion often experienced during a flu-like illness.Severe fatigue may come on suddenly and can drain you of all your energy. If this happens, you may feel too tired to do anything at all.

 Poor sleep quality
Fibromyalgia can affect your sleep. You may often wake up tired, even when you’ve had plenty of sleep. This is because the condition can sometimes prevent you from sleeping deeply enough to refresh you properly.You may hear this described as “non-restorative sleep”.

 Cognitive problems (‘fibro-fog’)
Cognitive problems are issues related to mental processes, such as thinking and learning. If you have fibromyalgia, you may have:

  • trouble remembering and learning new things
  • problems with attention and concentration
  • slowed or confused speech
 Headaches
If fibromyalgia has caused you to experience pain and stiffness in your neck and shoulders, you may also have frequent headaches.These can vary from being mild headaches to severe migraines, and could also involve other symptoms, such as nausea (feeling sick).

 Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
Some people with fibromyalgia also develop irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).IBS is a common digestive condition that causes pain and bloating in your stomach. It can also lead to constipation or diarrhoea.

 Other symptoms
Other symptoms that people with fibromyalgia sometimes experience include:

  • dizziness and clumsiness
  • feeling too hot or too cold – this is because you’re not able to regulate your body temperature properly
  • restless legs syndrome (an overwhelming urge to move your legs)
  • tingling, numbness, prickling or burning sensations in your hands and feet (pins and needles, also known as paraesthesia)
  • anxiety
  • depression

Depression

In some cases, having the condition can lead to depression. This is because fibromyalgia can be difficult to deal with, and low levels of certain hormones associated with the condition can make you prone to developing depression.

I think my doctors now dreads asking for my medical notes. lol

Running on Empty

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Feeling both physically and mentally drained. Its been a while since my last post, but this past month has been exhausting. I feel I’m just going through the motions.

I have completed my one on one counseling sessions with Bury Healthy Minds and am now on a waiting list for group anxiety therapy. Their will be 8 to 10 people in the group. Hopefully I will be able to cope with it and come out stronger than when I went in. During my one on one sessions with my counsellor she recommended that I had a blood test done by my GP and that I get referred for an Austism test ( GP agreed and just awaiting appointment). The results from the blood test came back and showed high levels of enzymes in the liver, so GP has referred me for an Ultrasound at the hospital.

Having an anxiety condition and suffering from depression I have difficulty waiting on things. Waiting on referrals or test results, gives time for my mind to race through the what ifs? Hopefully one day people won’t have to wait.

My counsellor, family and friends have all wanted me to reapply for PIP (Personal Independence Payment). I had been holding off on this as its so complicated and delves deep into thoughts and physical issues. I had already received and completed a medical questionnaire back in December for the DWP (department of works and pensions) and said I might be called for a health assessment. So wanted to get this out the way first. After 3 months I hadn’t heard anything so applied for the PIP.

My worst nightmare came true when I received both the PIP form and a letter asking for me to attend the health assessment, arrived on the same day. I’m so scared, its my illnesses and me being judged and vetted. I understand the need for them, but wish their where less intrusive ways, and better questions than “So why haven’t you killed yourself yet?” Being asked. I know in my mind its a standard question and why they ask it, but makes me feel insignificant, unwanted and makes me feel a burden and wasting peoples time.

I didn’t choose to have physical illnesses and didn’t choose to have mental illnesses but they way I have been treated wether intentionally or not, makes it feel like its my fault. Which then makes the depression deepen and the anxiety worse. I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel like this but really is a poor way of handling things.

My GP has changed and increased my pain medication, is a lot better than the last one but doesn’t completely rid me of pain. As anyone who’s been in pain for a long time can understand it too leaves you feeling exhausted.

I really did think I was getting better at the start of the year but the past 2 months have shown me that although there might have been some improvement there is a long and hard road to recovery to go. That is indeed if I can recover. I know I won’t ever be the same again, but hopefully I will be able to wake up in the morning with enthusiasm and have a pain free day followed by restful nights sleep eventually.

Angry

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I’ve attempted to write this post multiple times and each time I’ve deleted for fear of being rejected, treated differently or being locked up. However, I need to get these feelings out. I tend to bottle feelings and my thoughts up. All that happens is it just eats myself up inside.

I’ve been feeling very angry these past weeks. Firstly at myself for not recovering quickly enough and letting/allowing myself to feel this way. Other people seem to be able to survive and get by their trauma and issues without any problems, so why can’t I?

I’ve been having nightmares a lot recently and these are completely different to any I’ve had before and don’t really know how to handle them. The only way I can see to avoid/rid myself of these is not sleep. It’s not a conscious choice, my mind would just rather be awake and active, rather than have these nightmares. I feel that I don’t have any ‘fight’ in me anymore. I’m physically and  mentally exhausted, but these ‘new’ nightmares are violent ones and what’s scary is its me being the violent one. I’m fighting and attacking/defending myself against people who have abused and hurt me in the past. I’m not a violent or angry person, I never have been. I really don’t understand where these feelings and emotions have come from or how to deal with them.

I’ve also been in lots of pain over the last week’s as well. I think it’s down to the orthotic insoles the Hospital has made for me. I have a number of issues with my legs. I have flat feet, numerous issues with my knees and also have issues with my hips. I Suffer from hypermobility (means my joints more way outside the ‘normal ranges’ they are meant to.) as the insoles are helping to treat my flat feet, this puts pressure on my knees and my hips. As everything is trying to readjust to the new positions I’m suffering a lot of pain, more than I let on (don’t want to seem a whimp or crybaby). I know there’s nothing that can be done at the moment to help. GP won’t issue any pain medication, PhysioTherapy and the surgeons won’t do anything until my Mental state is better. However I don’t think the Mental Health teams or the GP are listening to me or understand what I’m going through. NHS department’s don’t seem to talk to each other. everyone seems to be refusing to help and not wanting to do anything until something else has happened. I think it all needs to be done at the same time, but that seems impossible. So I’m left in Limbo and in pain. The lack of sleep due the nightmares is probably increasing the pain levels as nothings getting a proper rest and time to heal. Seems like another vicious circle which I can’t escape until something breaks, I’m desperately trying to hold on and keep my head above water, not just for myself but for family and friends. For fear of letting them down and a fear of showing how truly weak and useless I am. I’ve lost 3 years of my life and there doesn’t seem to be an end insight.

I hate disappointing anyone and have been at times telling be what they want to hear rather than the truth. I know that’s counter intuitive but I don’t want people sad and worried over me. that’s a lot more important things going on in the world than me.

I’m angry, tired and in pain. A bad combination at any time. I’m still plodding along but I really do need to be fit and well and back working. Since having my Disability payments stopped (PIP) I’m in a big mess with money. I just can’t seem to manage it like I used to. Am I losing all control, everytime i think I’m getting back on track it gets messed up. Have more money going out than I get in. I don’t spend money on me it all goes on bills. luckily I’m not in arrears but I can’t carry on this way, it’s no way to live. well it’s not living really it’s just getting by. If I could afford it I’d buy new clothes as mine not really fit anymore or have fallen apart. My weight seems to go up or down so regularly most clothes I have don’t fit anymore.

Sorry about the length of this post and any waffling I did. sometimes it helps to get the feelings out even if it is just on this page. Still a release of emotions and pressure and I guess that can only be good.

Advice, Assistance, Directions…

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I don’t know what to do for the best…

When i finished my last counselling session in 2014, i was starting to get back on track and finding my way again. The sessions helped with my PTSD. My flashbacks and nightmares were the biggest challenge at the time. Then in January 2015 i felt strong enough to get help for my next issues which was anxiety and my GP Referred me for CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Which I agreed was right for me at the time. However i was expecting a 12 month waiting list. I’m now 9 months in and social anxiety is my biggest issue, however I’m not sure that CBT is now right for me in my current state of mind. I think talking to someone about my anxieties and things that had happened in my past (domestic abuse and past issues) that seem to be running rampant around me mind at the moment.

I’m scared of saying anything to my GP or asking for different help, cause i really don’t know what is for the best. I don’t want to end up in the same situation, if i cancel or change the CBT, i might then go back on a waiting list for another 12 months and that wont help. But at the same time, doing counselling/CBT when your not ready for it or in the right frame of mind, is also dangerous. (Numerous GP’s and mental health people have said this).

I feel i’m not only letting myself down, but letting friends and family down. Everyone wants me to get better ASAP, even though there is no official timescales for recovery. I don’t want to be a burden, a worry or a cause of stress for anyone.

There is always the crisis team, which i know have helped others before, but without a GP or someone referring me, i feel like a fraud asking for help. I just don’t know what to do or where to go!

 

Unsettled nights….

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Since my breakdown in 2013, I had huge sleeping issues. Loads of nightmares and Flashbacks (PTSD) and really wasnt sleeping. I went for counselling in 2014 and we used an NLP approach (Neuro-linguistic programming), to try and get rid/reduce the unsettled nights. It worked the nightmares and flashbacks have ‘stopped’ and i’m no longing waking up in panic.

But it seems to have had a different side effects. I still appear to be having nightmares but the NLP approach stops me remembering them, which stops me waking up in panic. But lately I’ve been waking feeling very anxious and i’m not getting great sleep, lots of tossing and turning. Because i cant remember them, I don’t know what’s caused the anxiety so i can’t fight it or overcome it. Just have to put it down to nightmares and carry on.

Although the NLP approach has helped to stop the panic attacks and is allowing me to get some sleep, I don’t really know how to over come the current issues. Hopefully as treatment continues (on waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), it will help address these issues. Positive thinking anyway.

 

 

Plodding Along….

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Haven’t done an update in a while. Mainly because I’ve had nothing to report on. The benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) (vertigo) has improved alot since the doctor did his tests and exams. Still feeling very low on energy though. but the dizziness has subsided thankfully.

As for the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD, not much has changed. Have been focusing on the physical and getting them under control. So i’m not having too many panic attacks or burping fits as i used to. Sleep is still hit and miss, I am sleeping but wake up exhausted, not feeling any better for it. Still waiting for my referral for CBT to help.

I am having major problems with Social anxiety at the moment. Due to a mix of reasons. I feel safe in my home, I have gotten things under control, when i go out so much is out of my control. Things can go wrong so quickly and i don’t have any safety net or safe place to get to if i go out. Also i have stayed in and not been very active mainly due to the vertigo (BVVP) cant really go out and enjoy yourself if your dizzy. The good side though is now i’m getting over it and getting control of my physical symptoms.

I wish i had my confidence, to get out and meet more people. Its not that i haven’t had the offers, its just i’m way to scared.lol (Not as tough as my online persona shows). Unfortunately not every ‘gets it’ and think i’m just brushing them off, but i’m really not, would love to meet with some people, but just cant get over that hump to do it. Always had confidence issues.

 

Feeling Overwhelmed..

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Am Feeling so overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Just feel like crying.

I Haven’t slept properly in over a week, When i wake up i’m in a highly anxious state. So Much trapped wind as stomach wont settle. Causing me to have burping fits, this is bringing up stomach acid and giving me a sore throat. I’m sweating profusely all the time.

Christmas is meant to be a happy joyous time and at the moment its totally stressing me out. I Wanna do so much and cant. I didn’t get to enjoy Christmas last year due to my breakdown and had hoped to make this year extra special to make up for it and all my plans are falling apart and i’m right near to the end of my tether of saying “F*ck it” and calling everything off as it’ll be easier and less stressful. The same feeling i had last year and i don’t wanna do it. Its the small things that are getting to me. Waiting on presents to arrive and worrying they wont arrive in time and Money worries.

Got a lot of things coming up which we have been working to, Complaint to Greater Manchester Police about the lack of duty of care and the events of last november. Waiting to here if i qualify for Concessionary Travel in manchester with my health issues. And trying to sort out plans for Christmas and New Year.

Its all small little things that are mounting up and cause a big issue.

Just don’t know where to go or what to do.

OverWhelmed

Counseling Continues…

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Since my breakdown have been struggling with a lot of things. I was referred to Counseling through my GP. I Had an assessment with the Mental Health team where i live and we agreed that the Sleeping issues and Flashbacks were the first priority. I wasn’t sleeping at all. And this mean me very tired, no motivation and making me very depressed. I couldn’t sort anything out until my sleep had been either sorted or at least helped with it. I was offered Counseling from the Mental team and agreed a course of treatment – Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) as an approach to coping with the flashbacks and nightmares. As per the current rules, i had a maximum of 6 sessions booked for me, to go through the steps to the road to recovery.

Gotta say it had been great and worked really well, My Counselor is great. The NLP approach has helped me to get rid of the flashbacks and reduce the amount of nightmares. All the nightmares related to the November incident i can now control and I’m not in such a state waking up. I can actually fall back to sleep (most times) after having a nightmare.

I’m still having nightmares but no where as severe as they were and still having lots of trouble sleeping. I have discussed the thoughts and reasons around why this is affected me and we have come to the conclusion that its now the Anxiety disorder which is now the main thing.  A lot of the nightmares and trouble sleeping are now down to being in a constant anxious state. The Counselor feels that we have completed and done everything to resolve the nightmares and flashbacks and its now time to look at the next treatment. At the moment the way the Mental Health service works is that you are first referred by your GP, you have an Assessment and are allotted up to a maximum of 6 sessions. They Will only focus at one particular issue at a time. (So as i have multiple Mental health issues, i would need to be referred multiple times.) Once you have finished with the 6 session you will need to wait at least 6 weeks before starting any new sessions.

I had my 6th session on Friday, however my counselor wasn’t happy to discharge me from her care. I have been described as an ‘An at risk Adult’ and ‘A vulnerable person in my current state.’ As we have reached the maximum number of sessions, she had to discuss my case with her Manager. They have both agreed to continue the Counseling on an ongoing basis and they are unhappy for me to be discharged from the Mental Health team and counseling at this stage. Mainly due to the risks involved, but also because of the relationship and trust that i had built with my counseling and she feels were are making progress together and that if i was discharged. The things might get, worse and may slip back into old habits and undo the good work. So will start working now on the Anxiety.  [whohit]Counceling-continues[/whohit]

So both good and bad news. Good news is that i wont have a break in terms of my therapy and wont have to change counselors. This means i should hopefully be able recover and move on with my life after my breakdown. The bad side to it is that I’m still so unwell they wont discharge me.

Sleeping Issues

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Been having a huge amount of Sleeping problems since the events in November 2013. I used to struggle to function if i didn’t get a good 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night, would wake up grumpy and tired if i didn’t. But for the past 10 Months I’d be lucky to get 6 hours a night. And even then its not full restful sleep. Its unbroken and difficult. Although on the plus side do get to see some lovely Sunrises over Manchester as I’m still awake as the sun comes up (chance for a Twitter or Facebook upload).

Suffering from lack of sleep is horrible. It brings your mood down, you cant concentrate on anything. Everything is so much effort and there is just no motivation at all to do anything.

I’ve been having Counseling through Bury IAPT services for the past 3 or 4 months to help with my flashbacks and nightmares that started after my breakdown.  This has helped to control my nightmares and Flashbacks but they still appear from time to time, Classic symptoms of PTSD. The main flashback that troubles me is one of the memories i had when Greater Manchester Police (GMP), first came to the flat and made me think that my Fiancee and love of my love had died. Its of a police officer that was stood in my the flat. in a certain stance, he was wearing full police uniform including high-vis jacket. And had his arms up holding onto the top of his stab vest. This image haunts me. The Police tell me Officers stand like that cause its more comfortable as the stab vest and equipment they have is uncomfortable. But i saw it as a very aggressive stance. It looks like his fists were up and ready for a fight and he was ready to launch at me any moment.

The Nightmares are truly awful, waking up covered in sweat, heart pounding, jumping up and screaming. The nightmares although were different in scene setting, people in them but there are 3 main themes which keeping troubling me and keep coming up time and time again. The first one is seeing Police in my nightmares, this would start of my anxiety/panic attacks and after waking i wouldn’t have a chance of getting back to sleep. On numerous occasions the Nightmare of the Police raiding the flat or me opening the door to see a policeman there, would require me to get dressed and walk around the block to confirm that there are no Police nearby, this sometimes stops the panic attacks but rarely stops the anxiety attacks. The policeman is always the same, same face, doesn’t matter what I’m dreaming about he’ll walk my nightmares to find me. The second theme again stems from the PTSD and the thought that my other half had died. In the nightmares I’m loosing someone close to me. friends, family the person who dies or goes missing is always different but the emotions and feeling of loss just brings me back to the way GMP left me in November after the first visit they paid me. The emotion and feeling of loss is huge and very dark, Some very dark places and thoughts come after these nightmares. The 3rd theme is quite simply fear. Just being afraid scared of everything and anyone, again down to GMP and me loosing my ‘safety net’, no-one is there to help or protect me and this leaves me feeling very alone, very vulnerable and very scared.

At the moment i have no sleep routine, I sleep when i can and when needed. I still try and go to bed and sleep but normally just lie there for hours in between 20 minute power naps. I’m constantly tired and not through lack of trying to sleep. Back in December the GP put me on medication (Zopiclone), some strong sleeping tablets. I was only allowed that one prescription of it (28 tablets) due to them being addictive. They did allow me to sleep for a good uninterrupted, restful time.

Although the flashbacks and nightmares have improved with the help of counseling. Its not just the sleeping that’s an issue. My Anxiety disorder is next on the list that i need to get help for. I’m actually scared/worried of waking up. As silly as it sounds, but when I’m asleep, no one can hurt me. There is less people about at night and generally less noise so allows me to get things done and completed without jumping at every noise from outside or elsewhere in the building. In November the 2 days the Police arrived at the flat they woke me up and got me out of bed. So I’m extremely anxious in the mornings. This could be why i stay up all night before going to sleep when the sun comes out. Then again when my Partner Mike was having his flashbacks/rough/dark times they generally were at night. So I’m not sleeping as heavily as i was to listen out to keep me eye on him.

So really my Sleeping issues are a mess. And that’s just the mental health side of things troubling me when i try to sleep. Not to mention the back or knee pains.  [whohit]Sleeping-issues[/whohit]