Tag Archives: Nightmares

Losing grip on reality

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I feel am losing my grip on reality. I just don’t seem to know what is real or what i have dreamed / made up / imagined. It’s a bizarre feeling. I seem to have lost the ability to put things in chronological order / timescale. Things that happened weeks ago seem like yesterday and things that happened today/yesterday seem to be from weeks ago. I don’t know if this is a coping mechanism or something else. Am getting confused with things that have actually happened and things that i have dreamt and imagined. I know i’m not losing my mind but my mind just seems to be a lot more jumbled than it normally is.

I Struggle with getting things done, always thinking I’ve got plenty of time to do it and then realising that i don’t. I’m stressed and worried because i feel like i have so much going on at the moment and in reality when sitting down and working it out, its not a lot 2 or 3 big things and there’s nothing i can do straight away its waiting for appointments or waiting for the correct time to arrive. When I was ‘well’ before my breakdown, i was working as well as coping with everything else and now i cant seem to 2 or 3 things. It is so depressing and humiliating. I know i’m unwell and not in great health but it just feels wrong and makes me feel guilty and makes me feel like a failure and i’m letting everyone and the world down. I didn’t ask to be Ill and don’t like asking for help, but know i’m struggling. It’s very difficult to ask for help as i don’t know what help is needed/required or what is available.

I’ve recently restarted counselling and this may be what has thrown me out of whack lately as we did talk about a number of different things in-depth. Its scary being scared of everything and talking about it as it really does make you think you, you are crazy.

On the flip side there has been some good things happening.

  • Restarted counselling, I know its small steps and its working on one problem at a time, but anything is better than just stopping and doing nothing.
  • Under going tests for Autism It’s not another thing I suffer from, but a solution or answer to why and how i react / think of things. And so far things are making a lot more sense in regards to this. Have only had one diagnosis session so far and the result was that i have autistic traits in all 4 areas.

Angry

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I’ve attempted to write this post multiple times and each time I’ve deleted for fear of being rejected, treated differently or being locked up. However, I need to get these feelings out. I tend to bottle feelings and my thoughts up. All that happens is it just eats myself up inside.

I’ve been feeling very angry these past weeks. Firstly at myself for not recovering quickly enough and letting/allowing myself to feel this way. Other people seem to be able to survive and get by their trauma and issues without any problems, so why can’t I?

I’ve been having nightmares a lot recently and these are completely different to any I’ve had before and don’t really know how to handle them. The only way I can see to avoid/rid myself of these is not sleep. It’s not a conscious choice, my mind would just rather be awake and active, rather than have these nightmares. I feel that I don’t have any ‘fight’ in me anymore. I’m physically and  mentally exhausted, but these ‘new’ nightmares are violent ones and what’s scary is its me being the violent one. I’m fighting and attacking/defending myself against people who have abused and hurt me in the past. I’m not a violent or angry person, I never have been. I really don’t understand where these feelings and emotions have come from or how to deal with them.

I’ve also been in lots of pain over the last week’s as well. I think it’s down to the orthotic insoles the Hospital has made for me. I have a number of issues with my legs. I have flat feet, numerous issues with my knees and also have issues with my hips. I Suffer from hypermobility (means my joints more way outside the ‘normal ranges’ they are meant to.) as the insoles are helping to treat my flat feet, this puts pressure on my knees and my hips. As everything is trying to readjust to the new positions I’m suffering a lot of pain, more than I let on (don’t want to seem a whimp or crybaby). I know there’s nothing that can be done at the moment to help. GP won’t issue any pain medication, PhysioTherapy and the surgeons won’t do anything until my Mental state is better. However I don’t think the Mental Health teams or the GP are listening to me or understand what I’m going through. NHS department’s don’t seem to talk to each other. everyone seems to be refusing to help and not wanting to do anything until something else has happened. I think it all needs to be done at the same time, but that seems impossible. So I’m left in Limbo and in pain. The lack of sleep due the nightmares is probably increasing the pain levels as nothings getting a proper rest and time to heal. Seems like another vicious circle which I can’t escape until something breaks, I’m desperately trying to hold on and keep my head above water, not just for myself but for family and friends. For fear of letting them down and a fear of showing how truly weak and useless I am. I’ve lost 3 years of my life and there doesn’t seem to be an end insight.

I hate disappointing anyone and have been at times telling be what they want to hear rather than the truth. I know that’s counter intuitive but I don’t want people sad and worried over me. that’s a lot more important things going on in the world than me.

I’m angry, tired and in pain. A bad combination at any time. I’m still plodding along but I really do need to be fit and well and back working. Since having my Disability payments stopped (PIP) I’m in a big mess with money. I just can’t seem to manage it like I used to. Am I losing all control, everytime i think I’m getting back on track it gets messed up. Have more money going out than I get in. I don’t spend money on me it all goes on bills. luckily I’m not in arrears but I can’t carry on this way, it’s no way to live. well it’s not living really it’s just getting by. If I could afford it I’d buy new clothes as mine not really fit anymore or have fallen apart. My weight seems to go up or down so regularly most clothes I have don’t fit anymore.

Sorry about the length of this post and any waffling I did. sometimes it helps to get the feelings out even if it is just on this page. Still a release of emotions and pressure and I guess that can only be good.

Advice, Assistance, Directions…

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instructions-directions-advice-assistance-four-way-intersectio-words-road-signs-intersection-to-help-you-find-42614989

I don’t know what to do for the best…

When i finished my last counselling session in 2014, i was starting to get back on track and finding my way again. The sessions helped with my PTSD. My flashbacks and nightmares were the biggest challenge at the time. Then in January 2015 i felt strong enough to get help for my next issues which was anxiety and my GP Referred me for CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). Which I agreed was right for me at the time. However i was expecting a 12 month waiting list. I’m now 9 months in and social anxiety is my biggest issue, however I’m not sure that CBT is now right for me in my current state of mind. I think talking to someone about my anxieties and things that had happened in my past (domestic abuse and past issues) that seem to be running rampant around me mind at the moment.

I’m scared of saying anything to my GP or asking for different help, cause i really don’t know what is for the best. I don’t want to end up in the same situation, if i cancel or change the CBT, i might then go back on a waiting list for another 12 months and that wont help. But at the same time, doing counselling/CBT when your not ready for it or in the right frame of mind, is also dangerous. (Numerous GP’s and mental health people have said this).

I feel i’m not only letting myself down, but letting friends and family down. Everyone wants me to get better ASAP, even though there is no official timescales for recovery. I don’t want to be a burden, a worry or a cause of stress for anyone.

There is always the crisis team, which i know have helped others before, but without a GP or someone referring me, i feel like a fraud asking for help. I just don’t know what to do or where to go!

 

Unsettled nights….

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Since my breakdown in 2013, I had huge sleeping issues. Loads of nightmares and Flashbacks (PTSD) and really wasnt sleeping. I went for counselling in 2014 and we used an NLP approach (Neuro-linguistic programming), to try and get rid/reduce the unsettled nights. It worked the nightmares and flashbacks have ‘stopped’ and i’m no longing waking up in panic.

But it seems to have had a different side effects. I still appear to be having nightmares but the NLP approach stops me remembering them, which stops me waking up in panic. But lately I’ve been waking feeling very anxious and i’m not getting great sleep, lots of tossing and turning. Because i cant remember them, I don’t know what’s caused the anxiety so i can’t fight it or overcome it. Just have to put it down to nightmares and carry on.

Although the NLP approach has helped to stop the panic attacks and is allowing me to get some sleep, I don’t really know how to over come the current issues. Hopefully as treatment continues (on waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), it will help address these issues. Positive thinking anyway.

 

 

PTSD – Flashbacks

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Since my Counselling Started to help reduce my Nightmares and flashbacks from events that happened in Nov 2013. I have had a good couple of months without them, but had had the first one in ages the other night. Scared the crap out of my was screaming as i woke. But it didn’t disrupt my whole day like they normally do. Small victory but a huge step forward for me.

Flashbacks are horrible. Takes ya right back there to all the sounds, smells and feelings i had at the time of the incident. Its definately not like recalling a memory. Terrified, but shows the counselling works as i could calm down and more on soon after. It didn’t ruin my whole day.

Flashbacks

Small steps..  [whohit]PTSD-Flashbacks[/whohit]

Steps

Counseling Continues…

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Since my breakdown have been struggling with a lot of things. I was referred to Counseling through my GP. I Had an assessment with the Mental Health team where i live and we agreed that the Sleeping issues and Flashbacks were the first priority. I wasn’t sleeping at all. And this mean me very tired, no motivation and making me very depressed. I couldn’t sort anything out until my sleep had been either sorted or at least helped with it. I was offered Counseling from the Mental team and agreed a course of treatment – Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) as an approach to coping with the flashbacks and nightmares. As per the current rules, i had a maximum of 6 sessions booked for me, to go through the steps to the road to recovery.

Gotta say it had been great and worked really well, My Counselor is great. The NLP approach has helped me to get rid of the flashbacks and reduce the amount of nightmares. All the nightmares related to the November incident i can now control and I’m not in such a state waking up. I can actually fall back to sleep (most times) after having a nightmare.

I’m still having nightmares but no where as severe as they were and still having lots of trouble sleeping. I have discussed the thoughts and reasons around why this is affected me and we have come to the conclusion that its now the Anxiety disorder which is now the main thing.  A lot of the nightmares and trouble sleeping are now down to being in a constant anxious state. The Counselor feels that we have completed and done everything to resolve the nightmares and flashbacks and its now time to look at the next treatment. At the moment the way the Mental Health service works is that you are first referred by your GP, you have an Assessment and are allotted up to a maximum of 6 sessions. They Will only focus at one particular issue at a time. (So as i have multiple Mental health issues, i would need to be referred multiple times.) Once you have finished with the 6 session you will need to wait at least 6 weeks before starting any new sessions.

I had my 6th session on Friday, however my counselor wasn’t happy to discharge me from her care. I have been described as an ‘An at risk Adult’ and ‘A vulnerable person in my current state.’ As we have reached the maximum number of sessions, she had to discuss my case with her Manager. They have both agreed to continue the Counseling on an ongoing basis and they are unhappy for me to be discharged from the Mental Health team and counseling at this stage. Mainly due to the risks involved, but also because of the relationship and trust that i had built with my counseling and she feels were are making progress together and that if i was discharged. The things might get, worse and may slip back into old habits and undo the good work. So will start working now on the Anxiety.  [whohit]Counceling-continues[/whohit]

So both good and bad news. Good news is that i wont have a break in terms of my therapy and wont have to change counselors. This means i should hopefully be able recover and move on with my life after my breakdown. The bad side to it is that I’m still so unwell they wont discharge me.

Sleeping Issues

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Been having a huge amount of Sleeping problems since the events in November 2013. I used to struggle to function if i didn’t get a good 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night, would wake up grumpy and tired if i didn’t. But for the past 10 Months I’d be lucky to get 6 hours a night. And even then its not full restful sleep. Its unbroken and difficult. Although on the plus side do get to see some lovely Sunrises over Manchester as I’m still awake as the sun comes up (chance for a Twitter or Facebook upload).

Suffering from lack of sleep is horrible. It brings your mood down, you cant concentrate on anything. Everything is so much effort and there is just no motivation at all to do anything.

I’ve been having Counseling through Bury IAPT services for the past 3 or 4 months to help with my flashbacks and nightmares that started after my breakdown.  This has helped to control my nightmares and Flashbacks but they still appear from time to time, Classic symptoms of PTSD. The main flashback that troubles me is one of the memories i had when Greater Manchester Police (GMP), first came to the flat and made me think that my Fiancee and love of my love had died. Its of a police officer that was stood in my the flat. in a certain stance, he was wearing full police uniform including high-vis jacket. And had his arms up holding onto the top of his stab vest. This image haunts me. The Police tell me Officers stand like that cause its more comfortable as the stab vest and equipment they have is uncomfortable. But i saw it as a very aggressive stance. It looks like his fists were up and ready for a fight and he was ready to launch at me any moment.

The Nightmares are truly awful, waking up covered in sweat, heart pounding, jumping up and screaming. The nightmares although were different in scene setting, people in them but there are 3 main themes which keeping troubling me and keep coming up time and time again. The first one is seeing Police in my nightmares, this would start of my anxiety/panic attacks and after waking i wouldn’t have a chance of getting back to sleep. On numerous occasions the Nightmare of the Police raiding the flat or me opening the door to see a policeman there, would require me to get dressed and walk around the block to confirm that there are no Police nearby, this sometimes stops the panic attacks but rarely stops the anxiety attacks. The policeman is always the same, same face, doesn’t matter what I’m dreaming about he’ll walk my nightmares to find me. The second theme again stems from the PTSD and the thought that my other half had died. In the nightmares I’m loosing someone close to me. friends, family the person who dies or goes missing is always different but the emotions and feeling of loss just brings me back to the way GMP left me in November after the first visit they paid me. The emotion and feeling of loss is huge and very dark, Some very dark places and thoughts come after these nightmares. The 3rd theme is quite simply fear. Just being afraid scared of everything and anyone, again down to GMP and me loosing my ‘safety net’, no-one is there to help or protect me and this leaves me feeling very alone, very vulnerable and very scared.

At the moment i have no sleep routine, I sleep when i can and when needed. I still try and go to bed and sleep but normally just lie there for hours in between 20 minute power naps. I’m constantly tired and not through lack of trying to sleep. Back in December the GP put me on medication (Zopiclone), some strong sleeping tablets. I was only allowed that one prescription of it (28 tablets) due to them being addictive. They did allow me to sleep for a good uninterrupted, restful time.

Although the flashbacks and nightmares have improved with the help of counseling. Its not just the sleeping that’s an issue. My Anxiety disorder is next on the list that i need to get help for. I’m actually scared/worried of waking up. As silly as it sounds, but when I’m asleep, no one can hurt me. There is less people about at night and generally less noise so allows me to get things done and completed without jumping at every noise from outside or elsewhere in the building. In November the 2 days the Police arrived at the flat they woke me up and got me out of bed. So I’m extremely anxious in the mornings. This could be why i stay up all night before going to sleep when the sun comes out. Then again when my Partner Mike was having his flashbacks/rough/dark times they generally were at night. So I’m not sleeping as heavily as i was to listen out to keep me eye on him.

So really my Sleeping issues are a mess. And that’s just the mental health side of things troubling me when i try to sleep. Not to mention the back or knee pains.  [whohit]Sleeping-issues[/whohit]