Tag Archives: GP

Understanding – At last

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After years of complaining of pain and numerous trips to Hospital. I was referred to see the Rheumatology department at North Manchester Hospital. Saw a very nice Doctor who really did know what he was doing and asked alot of in depth questions. It was amazing for someone to actually understand what I had been living with and going through for years.

Was poked, prodded and examined.

The Doctor has diagnosed me with the following:

Fibromyalgia
Sleep Disorder
Chronic Fatigue
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)

He advised that all of these along with my Autism, Hyper-mobility and
psychological issues (Anxiety & Depression) are all intertwined.

They are Chronic conditions with no known cure. So is now a process of how to manage the symptoms.

I am being referred to Pain Clinic, Physiotherapy, Hydrotherapy and
Psychiatry. He will be writing to my GP to request that I go on sleeping
tablets and to increase the medication dosage that I’m currently on as
well. They took some blood for testing to cover the bases, but will not need to go back and see that department again.

There was a student Doctor observing my appointment and had apparently never seen someone whose joints where so bendy. So least I’m helping future generations of Doctor’s learn if nothing else!

It really is a genuine relief to get these conditions diagnosed and have someone to listen and understand. I had only been expecting a single diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, so to come away with 4 different conditions was not only a complete shock but also a validation of the fact that I really am not very well. I had thought that all the symptoms I had were normal and the pain I experience is what everyone else feels. It wasn’t until I had been diagnosed with Autism that I have begun to realise that it wasn’t normal.

Its strange having Autism and not feeling, experiencing and expressing myself as other people would. Its very hard to explain, what is normal for me is not normal for the wider community and vice versa.

I have tried to express myself and tried to tell people that things were ‘not quite right’ for years but I have either been bullied, fobbed off, taken advantage of or just plainly ignored. So to prevent myself from having to experience those again I just shut down, closed myself off and told people what they wanted to hear. However since my Autism diagnosis I have been learning to try and express myself better and this has led to these new conditions to be diagnosed to join my long list of other health issues. Now it’s a case of learning how to manage the symptoms and conditions.

Over the years I have learned to mask and hide things and to just keep pushing through them. Now that the health professionals are telling me that yes – what I am feeling and experiencing is real, and not to try and hide it or bottle it up. I worry that people will think that I’m making things out to be worse than they are because they weren’t an issue before.

It’s a lot not only for me to take in, but for my friends and family. At least we have some understanding of what is going on.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

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I haven’t posted in a while cause to be honest i’m scared, confused and very lost. I’m still coming to terms with being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and what it means and what effects it’ll have on my life.

I’ve always felt that i’m a different and that something has been ‘wrong’ with me since childhood. But when ever I’ve approached the subject or spoken my mind I’ve been told that i’m being silly or just making things up. I’ve always been the weird one and the outcast, and I’ve tried to cope by pretending and trying to fit in and to ignore how I’ve felt and thought. However now that I’ve been diagnosed with ASD, i’m trying to accept how i feel and what i think is ok and to try and express that. But it makes me wonder who I am, as i have been pretending for a long time.

Most people who are diagnosed with as ASD are diagnosed when they are children. I’m 34 and have found that there is not a lot of help or support for autistic adults out there. majority of self help guides and support groups are for children and their parents. I Just dont know where to turn. There is a lot of other medical conditions which are linked with ASD and I have numerous symptoms and alarm bells are ringing, but when trying to express this to medical professionals they dont seem to care or understand. From everything i’m reading and learning it seems i’ll soon have a medical degree myself. lol

All of this is making my Anxiety and Depression worse.

Darkness of Depression

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I cant seem to win or move forward with my recovery. People keep telling me that i’m doing well and they have seen improvements but whats happening in my head/mind doesn’t agree. I seem to have so many problems that its always playing catch up, sort one thing out and another rears its head. If its not anxiety, its depression or PTSD or Physical issues, not forgetting financial troubles.

For the past 2 weeks I have been attending an anxiety group workshop. It’s been difficult on so many levels, this week in particular as we have been focusing on Negative thoughts. This just seems to be making my depression darker/deeper. Which in turn is causing anxiety as i don’t want to end up like i was at the beginning of 2014 when i was suicidal. The current focus of the anxiety workshop is focusing on negative thoughts and turning them into positive thoughts. I’m really struggling to find any positive thoughts that i believe though. Which is making me feel depressed. The medication i take for my anxiety and depression doesn’t allow me to feel anything, it reduces or blocks my emotions, which i have mentioned to the GP and she’s happy for that to continue as she doesn’t want me to be depressed or suicidal again. I currently take 200mg of Sertraline which is the maximum dose. So if i did go back to the GP for a medication review, it would mean changing the medication i was and trying to find one which works again, which isn’t the best idea, i think as that too could increase my anxiety or depression.

I hate feeling like this, i wish i could feel something else. Just don’t know where to turn. I’m in therapy, i’m on medication i’m doing everything i can but just seem to be getting worse.

Therapy.. All Change

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Well after another counselling session and explaining about my nightmares and being angry. The Counselor was very Good, listened, understand and made made changes. So Its all stop on therapy that I’ve been doing, Progressive Muscle Relaxation Therapy (PMRT). We have decided to stop this as its causing unwanted and unintentional side effects.

We are now trying a new approach, humanistic therapies, which focus on self-development in the ‘here and now’ rather than the events of the past. Apparently, my mind and body are ‘stuck’ in the past, reliving the events of 2013. So we are now going to try and retrain my mind to force it into ‘reality’ and not the scary, dark places of my mind. Not sure how this will work, counselor says it will take a long time and that it’ll be very difficult. But always knew it was a long road. As much as i wish for a quick fix, it wont happen.

I Have had quite a week, of unexpected things happen which I think I have handle well. Fireworks and Bonfire night (5th November) and anxiety certainly do not mix. Although I was anxious and quite jumpy i didn’t have a full blown panic attack which I expected to have. I have Contacted my GP to ask for additional support and for details to be put on thier systems under the Accessible Healthcare process. Have also chanced up a number of other things that have been causing me concern, so in all a positive week.

Angry

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I’ve attempted to write this post multiple times and each time I’ve deleted for fear of being rejected, treated differently or being locked up. However, I need to get these feelings out. I tend to bottle feelings and my thoughts up. All that happens is it just eats myself up inside.

I’ve been feeling very angry these past weeks. Firstly at myself for not recovering quickly enough and letting/allowing myself to feel this way. Other people seem to be able to survive and get by their trauma and issues without any problems, so why can’t I?

I’ve been having nightmares a lot recently and these are completely different to any I’ve had before and don’t really know how to handle them. The only way I can see to avoid/rid myself of these is not sleep. It’s not a conscious choice, my mind would just rather be awake and active, rather than have these nightmares. I feel that I don’t have any ‘fight’ in me anymore. I’m physically and  mentally exhausted, but these ‘new’ nightmares are violent ones and what’s scary is its me being the violent one. I’m fighting and attacking/defending myself against people who have abused and hurt me in the past. I’m not a violent or angry person, I never have been. I really don’t understand where these feelings and emotions have come from or how to deal with them.

I’ve also been in lots of pain over the last week’s as well. I think it’s down to the orthotic insoles the Hospital has made for me. I have a number of issues with my legs. I have flat feet, numerous issues with my knees and also have issues with my hips. I Suffer from hypermobility (means my joints more way outside the ‘normal ranges’ they are meant to.) as the insoles are helping to treat my flat feet, this puts pressure on my knees and my hips. As everything is trying to readjust to the new positions I’m suffering a lot of pain, more than I let on (don’t want to seem a whimp or crybaby). I know there’s nothing that can be done at the moment to help. GP won’t issue any pain medication, PhysioTherapy and the surgeons won’t do anything until my Mental state is better. However I don’t think the Mental Health teams or the GP are listening to me or understand what I’m going through. NHS department’s don’t seem to talk to each other. everyone seems to be refusing to help and not wanting to do anything until something else has happened. I think it all needs to be done at the same time, but that seems impossible. So I’m left in Limbo and in pain. The lack of sleep due the nightmares is probably increasing the pain levels as nothings getting a proper rest and time to heal. Seems like another vicious circle which I can’t escape until something breaks, I’m desperately trying to hold on and keep my head above water, not just for myself but for family and friends. For fear of letting them down and a fear of showing how truly weak and useless I am. I’ve lost 3 years of my life and there doesn’t seem to be an end insight.

I hate disappointing anyone and have been at times telling be what they want to hear rather than the truth. I know that’s counter intuitive but I don’t want people sad and worried over me. that’s a lot more important things going on in the world than me.

I’m angry, tired and in pain. A bad combination at any time. I’m still plodding along but I really do need to be fit and well and back working. Since having my Disability payments stopped (PIP) I’m in a big mess with money. I just can’t seem to manage it like I used to. Am I losing all control, everytime i think I’m getting back on track it gets messed up. Have more money going out than I get in. I don’t spend money on me it all goes on bills. luckily I’m not in arrears but I can’t carry on this way, it’s no way to live. well it’s not living really it’s just getting by. If I could afford it I’d buy new clothes as mine not really fit anymore or have fallen apart. My weight seems to go up or down so regularly most clothes I have don’t fit anymore.

Sorry about the length of this post and any waffling I did. sometimes it helps to get the feelings out even if it is just on this page. Still a release of emotions and pressure and I guess that can only be good.

Starting Treatment

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Well I’ve started having treatment through Healthy minds Bury. Only had one session so far.

Since my Breakdown in 2013 I’ve been asking and asking my GP and any mental health workers I come into contact with. Asking and sometimes pleading to have someone to talk to, someone i can discuss what happened, what i was feeling at the time, but no-one seems to want to listen to me. Everyone seems to want me to do CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy). In order to help treat and manage my anxiety, depression, PTSD symptoms. Which in time would help. however i cant shift the feeling that i cant work on controlling my symptoms until I understand whats causing it. I cannot go forward until i go back.

Healthy Minds Bury are doing a CBT treatment course with me. And i’ll be honest i’m not sure. I’ll give it a go and back it 100% but its not what i asked for and kinda think the problems will continue afterwards. I’ll only be getting six sessions, lasting 30 minutes each every 2 weeks. I Know the NHS is stretched and Mental Health services are not that well funded, but do think this is a little poor. People like myself who have “imploded” and have numerous issues are kind of stuck. You can only focus on one thing at a time, then you have to have a pause after the sessions have finished to give time for what you’ve learnt to sink in and for you to adjust, before you can start the next issue.

With the amount of issues i’m currently facing, its difficult to establish which symptoms i’m having is physical or mental health related, this is how i found out i had badly damaged my hearing. With so many different symptoms some of which overlap its difficult to try and focus on one particular issue.

It’s taken me almost 3 years to get some help and this is only one step. A very long road ahead.

 

Holding My Own

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Well had a couple of tough weeks. For all the good my GP Surgery has done for me i took the difficult step of sending a formal complaint in to them. Due to an error over prescriptions and the treatment i received. Cant say too much as investigation still on going.

Good news though is that I’ve been Discharged from the ENT (Ears, nose and throat) Department at Bolton Hospital, as they are happy that there is on physical issue causing my dizzy spells. They have determined that its a  symptom of my anxiety. I will still be under Audiology at Royal Bolton Hospital, Probably for life. As will need new batteries and maintenance of my hearing aid.

I Finally had my appointment for the Orthotics department, that was requested in January 2016, at North Manchester Hospital. Getting some specially made insoles for my shoes.

Still on a waiting list for Healthy Minds Bury, at Fairfield General Hospital. They have been good checking in with welfare calls to check my state of mind, making sure nothing is getting worse.

Its amazing that with all the medical issues i have both physically and mentally, that its not just one institution that looks after me. So far been to 4 different hospitals: Royal Bolton Hospital, North Manchester General Hospital, Fairfield General and Rochdale Infirmary Hospital. Then you have my GP Surgery as well. The amount of medical notes they all hold on me would probably fill a truck. lol

Although things have been difficult in a number of ways, i’m not in such a mess that I thought i might me. I’m hanging in there, staying strong. Things are moving, maybe not the way or as quickly as i might have hoped, but its progress.

Starting to move forward again

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Well things are starting to move forward again, after grinding to a halt.

I Have received my appointment for the Orthotics Department, Was referred to them back in January 2016 and was told of a 9-13 month waiting list, but its come through after 6 months months so hopefully will be able to help. Although i am meant to be doing physiotherapy along side this, but that still up in the air between the mental health team and the physio departments.

After speaking with my GP and saying i didn’t think that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) was right for me at this time. I was referred to the Healthy Minds team in Bury. And Have an assessment next week with a Psychological Wellbeing Practitioner. Hopefully will be able to get someone for me to talk through things, as thats what i think i need and have been trying to get since 2013 without success.

Also Purchased a new pill box for myself:

pillbox

As I Take 6 pills of different medication daily (42 a week, 168 a Month!) I kept getting confused with which ones I had or hadn’t taken that day. Put now can just have a quick look and i’ll know. Also saves lots of space as don’t have big boxes stacked on each other anymore.

All Small Things, but all positive.

Asking for help

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After speaking with family down in London, Went to GP and told her that I didn’t think CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) Was right for me at this time, I needed someone I could talk through my thoughts and feelings with. So I Have been referred to ‘Healthy Minds Bury’, so will see what comes of that. Also mentioned that i’m having mood swings and that my mood is normally a bit flat / nonchalant mood. So have had my medication increased. (6 pills daily now).

Been going regularly to Bolton Hospital since January for the dizzy spells I’ve been having, from when I fell and hit my head. Although they found that i had damaged and lost my some of my hearing, Reason why i know wear a hearing aid, but it seems that the dizzy spells i have been having are a symptom of anxiety, but GP didn’t want to do anything else as that’ll be for the Healthy Minds team and medication to help control.

So fingers crossed, hopefully be able to move forward again.

Going round in circles….

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Well haven’t done an update for a while. Mainly cause i’m stuck in loop and going round in circles.

Feeling a little lost to be honest.

Circles Signpost

I need help with my state of mind and mental health, however the mental health team cant help as I have physical issues with my knees. So was referred to Physio and started going weekly to the Hospital. Until i had a major panic attack during a session. The physiotherapist doesn’t want to continue until my mental health is better, but the mental health team wont help until my physical issues are sorted. So catch 22! The GP is trying to intervene as she agrees that i shouldn’t be doing physiotherapy in the state i’m in. As the exercises get my heart beating fasting with starts panic attacks.

Have been trying to occupy myself and learn new skills. Been having fun Creating paper models over 140 made so far, running out of space.lol  ( Photos: Ferris Wheel and Space Shuttle Models):

Ferris Wheel Shuttle

Have also invested in some loom bands and have been attempting these as well, managed to make a snake and a number of bracelets.

loom

Health Update

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Health Update:

CBT: (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy)
Had my first (and last) session yesterday. They are unable to help at the moment due to physical issues and high pain levels. As part of the CBT process involves mobility and as I’m in pain it will apparently distract me. So have to get my knees sorted before they will work on my mental state. However surgeons won’t help till my mental state is better. Catch 22. Waited 12 months for this to be told no, had it happened earlier i might have gotten it done.

Physiotherapy:
Went to physio today. Very painful. Apparently I have issues with my hips to add to my knees and feet. They are weak and rotating my legs more than they should. Been given exercises to complete over the festive period and have to go back first week of January.

GP:
Doctors keeping my current meds the same but given me more pain killers. Takes my total of pills to 14 a day.lol

Physical Illness Vs Mental Illness

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Mental Illness rules my life, whether i want it to or not. However I have been suffering alot of physical issues too. I never know it its part of my mental illness, or side effects of medication. Everytime i’ve gone to see the GP, my mental health has been my priority cause of the state i’m in. I have let things slide, they were only small issues that i could ignore as they weren’t a major issue. But now i got to the stage that they have all built up and now causing bigger issues.

I have also been afraid to speak to the GP about it as, i keep feeling it’ll just be boxed off as ‘Mental’ issues, but after speaking with my Doctor it turns out there was some serious issues:
– Got a fungal infection on my foot so been given some Daktacort Ointment to help clear it
– Had ringing in my ears since my collapse in 2013 when i knocked myself out. GP’s gonna refer me to the hospital to see an ENT specialist.
– Got 3 moles , 2 on my forehead and one on my side that have started to grow lumps. Doctors not worried so been booked in for minor surgery to have these removed. No date as yet
– Also having lot of pain in my knees and my reconstructed one ‘crunches’ when i bend it. So going back next week to GP for a full exam and so she can go through the x-rays from the hospital.

So hopefully well get some things sorted.

Lost

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Been feeling very lost lately. Still having trouble planning for the future and my social anxiety seems to be getting worse. I don’t feel safe or comfortable going out the flat. Not sure where its come from. A Lot of it predictably is in my head, feel i’m being judged by everyone and i feel some how that i’ve got a big label hanging over me saying “Hes nuts, stay away.”

Have a lot of support on facebook, twitter and other sites i’m on across the internet. A Lot of people wanting to meet me and say hello. I’ve never been great at ‘first contacts’ and with my anxiety since my breakdown its a huge barrier. I would love to meet some people and get out more, its just trying to cross that barrier that’s difficult. I’m still on a waiting list for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), which has been months, hopefully will be able to chase it with the GP this week.

My Left knee has been acting up again. I had it reconstructed in 2010 and its been pretty good, but think it dislocated and popped back in, bruising and swelling suggests this too, GP’s given me lots of pain meds, but yet another barrier to getting out as i cant bear weight on it.

On the positive side of things during the late May bank holiday, i went with my BF and parents to Liverpool to see Cunards 150 Year anniversary 3 Queens event. Over 1 million people descended on Liverpool. There were crowds everywhere and tbh i didn’t cope great. Think i was able to mask a lot of it. but got to the stage where everyone was concerned and knew it was causing me issues (except for the crowd stewards who refused to help u, when we needed it).

 

Almost Christmas…

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Well Quite a week I had last week, Went to see the GP on Monday as had been feeling rather low, kept having dizzy spells and had a sore throat. Doctor increased my medication and gave me an oral solutions for my throat. Turns out i had been brining stomach acid up during my anxiety/burping fits and had damaged my throat.

Tuesday i was not feeling great at all. Very dizzy and and very low on energy, managed to make it through most the day but then collapsed in the kitchen. Luckily was able to shout my partner before i fell who managed to catch me. He called 111 for advice and they sent out an ambulance. Very lovely and understanding ambulance crew. had loads of tests done and an ECG. But they think it was a combination of exhaustion, increase in medication and anxiety attack. Took me a while to get back up to full strength but getting there. Hopefully that’ll be enough of the excitement this year (fingers crossed).

Almost ready for Christmas, cant believe its only days away. Cant wait, am so excited. Unfortunately wont be going home to see family for Christmas but will see them for New Years.

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas!

Christmas

Getting Help with Mental Health….or not…

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It is scary, when you need help and there’s no-one there.

There are charities and organizations out there:

Anxiety UK

Mind Charity

Time to Change

 

Unfortunately I have found that a lot of the help out there you have to go and find yourself. When your nervous of social situations and terrified of using the telephone it doesn’t help. Quite often it feels like you just have to be quiet and get on with it but not disturb anyone else with it. Which in the 21st Century is really disgusting!

We had the Greater Manchester Police (GMP) come to our flat as they were ‘Concerned for our welfare’ back in February 2014. We were put on a ‘Vulnerable Adults list’ Were told we’d get a social worker and guess what, nothing happened.

My Doctors Surgery depending on which doctor you see sometimes helps. But when going in and being asked “How can i help you?” when you’ve explained everything going on, doesn’t really help, if i could cope and knew how to fix it i would have already. Trying to get medication from them is difficult as well, because the medication is strong, it cant be put on repeat prescription, i have get an appointment and go into the surgery every time to see the doctor. Which i can understand. But there are no appointments available currently and they would re-order medication over the phone (understandably), but leaves me without medication. So all the work and progress i’ve made could be unravelled.

My Local Council ‘Bury County Council’ Doesn’t seem to have anything set up for people with Mental health Issues, not that i have found. I have asked them on numerous occasions through a variety of different means and they have responded with silence. As with a lot of services is they do have anything its either not on there website or hidden away under loads of different options. The Mind Charity has recently written a report which reveals an ‘Unacceptably low spending on public Mental Health.’ (See the report Here).

Although i agree at times i’m not able to accomplish anything but with the proper help and support not just me but other sufferers would be able to recover or at least cope better with the Issues and get back into society which surely would be good for everywhere. Why people see Mental health as a taboo and something to be brushed away out of sight is beyond me. Hopefully attitudes will change.

Counseling Continues…

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Since my breakdown have been struggling with a lot of things. I was referred to Counseling through my GP. I Had an assessment with the Mental Health team where i live and we agreed that the Sleeping issues and Flashbacks were the first priority. I wasn’t sleeping at all. And this mean me very tired, no motivation and making me very depressed. I couldn’t sort anything out until my sleep had been either sorted or at least helped with it. I was offered Counseling from the Mental team and agreed a course of treatment – Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) as an approach to coping with the flashbacks and nightmares. As per the current rules, i had a maximum of 6 sessions booked for me, to go through the steps to the road to recovery.

Gotta say it had been great and worked really well, My Counselor is great. The NLP approach has helped me to get rid of the flashbacks and reduce the amount of nightmares. All the nightmares related to the November incident i can now control and I’m not in such a state waking up. I can actually fall back to sleep (most times) after having a nightmare.

I’m still having nightmares but no where as severe as they were and still having lots of trouble sleeping. I have discussed the thoughts and reasons around why this is affected me and we have come to the conclusion that its now the Anxiety disorder which is now the main thing.  A lot of the nightmares and trouble sleeping are now down to being in a constant anxious state. The Counselor feels that we have completed and done everything to resolve the nightmares and flashbacks and its now time to look at the next treatment. At the moment the way the Mental Health service works is that you are first referred by your GP, you have an Assessment and are allotted up to a maximum of 6 sessions. They Will only focus at one particular issue at a time. (So as i have multiple Mental health issues, i would need to be referred multiple times.) Once you have finished with the 6 session you will need to wait at least 6 weeks before starting any new sessions.

I had my 6th session on Friday, however my counselor wasn’t happy to discharge me from her care. I have been described as an ‘An at risk Adult’ and ‘A vulnerable person in my current state.’ As we have reached the maximum number of sessions, she had to discuss my case with her Manager. They have both agreed to continue the Counseling on an ongoing basis and they are unhappy for me to be discharged from the Mental Health team and counseling at this stage. Mainly due to the risks involved, but also because of the relationship and trust that i had built with my counseling and she feels were are making progress together and that if i was discharged. The things might get, worse and may slip back into old habits and undo the good work. So will start working now on the Anxiety.  [whohit]Counceling-continues[/whohit]

So both good and bad news. Good news is that i wont have a break in terms of my therapy and wont have to change counselors. This means i should hopefully be able recover and move on with my life after my breakdown. The bad side to it is that I’m still so unwell they wont discharge me.

Sleeping Issues

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Been having a huge amount of Sleeping problems since the events in November 2013. I used to struggle to function if i didn’t get a good 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night, would wake up grumpy and tired if i didn’t. But for the past 10 Months I’d be lucky to get 6 hours a night. And even then its not full restful sleep. Its unbroken and difficult. Although on the plus side do get to see some lovely Sunrises over Manchester as I’m still awake as the sun comes up (chance for a Twitter or Facebook upload).

Suffering from lack of sleep is horrible. It brings your mood down, you cant concentrate on anything. Everything is so much effort and there is just no motivation at all to do anything.

I’ve been having Counseling through Bury IAPT services for the past 3 or 4 months to help with my flashbacks and nightmares that started after my breakdown.  This has helped to control my nightmares and Flashbacks but they still appear from time to time, Classic symptoms of PTSD. The main flashback that troubles me is one of the memories i had when Greater Manchester Police (GMP), first came to the flat and made me think that my Fiancee and love of my love had died. Its of a police officer that was stood in my the flat. in a certain stance, he was wearing full police uniform including high-vis jacket. And had his arms up holding onto the top of his stab vest. This image haunts me. The Police tell me Officers stand like that cause its more comfortable as the stab vest and equipment they have is uncomfortable. But i saw it as a very aggressive stance. It looks like his fists were up and ready for a fight and he was ready to launch at me any moment.

The Nightmares are truly awful, waking up covered in sweat, heart pounding, jumping up and screaming. The nightmares although were different in scene setting, people in them but there are 3 main themes which keeping troubling me and keep coming up time and time again. The first one is seeing Police in my nightmares, this would start of my anxiety/panic attacks and after waking i wouldn’t have a chance of getting back to sleep. On numerous occasions the Nightmare of the Police raiding the flat or me opening the door to see a policeman there, would require me to get dressed and walk around the block to confirm that there are no Police nearby, this sometimes stops the panic attacks but rarely stops the anxiety attacks. The policeman is always the same, same face, doesn’t matter what I’m dreaming about he’ll walk my nightmares to find me. The second theme again stems from the PTSD and the thought that my other half had died. In the nightmares I’m loosing someone close to me. friends, family the person who dies or goes missing is always different but the emotions and feeling of loss just brings me back to the way GMP left me in November after the first visit they paid me. The emotion and feeling of loss is huge and very dark, Some very dark places and thoughts come after these nightmares. The 3rd theme is quite simply fear. Just being afraid scared of everything and anyone, again down to GMP and me loosing my ‘safety net’, no-one is there to help or protect me and this leaves me feeling very alone, very vulnerable and very scared.

At the moment i have no sleep routine, I sleep when i can and when needed. I still try and go to bed and sleep but normally just lie there for hours in between 20 minute power naps. I’m constantly tired and not through lack of trying to sleep. Back in December the GP put me on medication (Zopiclone), some strong sleeping tablets. I was only allowed that one prescription of it (28 tablets) due to them being addictive. They did allow me to sleep for a good uninterrupted, restful time.

Although the flashbacks and nightmares have improved with the help of counseling. Its not just the sleeping that’s an issue. My Anxiety disorder is next on the list that i need to get help for. I’m actually scared/worried of waking up. As silly as it sounds, but when I’m asleep, no one can hurt me. There is less people about at night and generally less noise so allows me to get things done and completed without jumping at every noise from outside or elsewhere in the building. In November the 2 days the Police arrived at the flat they woke me up and got me out of bed. So I’m extremely anxious in the mornings. This could be why i stay up all night before going to sleep when the sun comes out. Then again when my Partner Mike was having his flashbacks/rough/dark times they generally were at night. So I’m not sleeping as heavily as i was to listen out to keep me eye on him.

So really my Sleeping issues are a mess. And that’s just the mental health side of things troubling me when i try to sleep. Not to mention the back or knee pains.  [whohit]Sleeping-issues[/whohit]

Waking up with an Anxiety disorder

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I wake up most morning normally with a jump/start and so the day beings. Every morning starts with physical symptoms,  a racing heart and shakiness. The shakiness has calmed down a lot since November, but still affects my life in a massive way. The GP Has put me on Beta Blockers to slow my heart down so I’m not in such a panic state all the time, and although it does have a large affect it it is still very noticeable.

I’m so scared of what the future may hold. my life was turned upside down by Greater Manchester Police, through no fault of my own. If i had done something i could understand it, but i didn’t and nothing can stop it happening again. So scared of going out, every where i go now i always purchase something along the way so i have receipts i.e. a paper trail, to follow so people cant say i was some where else. This is not a nice way to live.

After getting up and checking each room in the flat (just to make sure no one is there) i have my morning brew and my cocktail of medicines, all prescribed by the GP. It’ll normally take me a couple of hours for me to calm down and stop panicking after waking up before I’m able to do anything productive. On really bad days I’m just pacing the flat back and fourth, if the fight or flight response is too difficult to ignore. Then i will go for a morning walk around the block, Mainly to check that there are no Police around (a fall out from November again).

Once I’m calmer and more in a stable state of mind then i can get up and do things, not massive things everyday things like washing and cleaning.  At the moment I’m only really going out the flat either for a walk to calm me down (which doesn’t stray to far from the flat), or I’m going to GP, Hospital, or Counseling appointments. All the fun stuff i used to do like go shopping, Going out with Mike on the Bike, or going to Transport Festivals. I no longer do in case i meet a police officer, i don’t know how I’d react. I’d have a panic attack and either run away, causing the officer to chase, or the officer would have to deal with my panic attacks calling paramedics and probably causing more stress. Hopefully next couple of weeks I’ll try and get to the Bury Transport Museum or Manchester’s Transport Museum. Used to love both of them. But depends on my state of mind and current financials (living on benefits is not as easy as people make out, but that’s for another blog maybe).

Most days is me trying to find things to take my mind of things, e.g. Baking cakes, Puzzles or computer games and of course my Blog (hello there my dear readers 🙂 ). Other days after waking up i don’t feel i can keep myself safe, in a sense that I’ll lash out at something or go do something silly, So I’ll just stay in bed and try and sleep cause tomorrow has to be better. Mike by other half is brilliant on these days always keeping me engaged and keeping an eye on me.  [whohit]Waking-up-with-anxiety-disorder[/whohit]