Tag Archives: Friends

Understanding – At last

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After years of complaining of pain and numerous trips to Hospital. I was referred to see the Rheumatology department at North Manchester Hospital. Saw a very nice Doctor who really did know what he was doing and asked alot of in depth questions. It was amazing for someone to actually understand what I had been living with and going through for years.

Was poked, prodded and examined.

The Doctor has diagnosed me with the following:

Fibromyalgia
Sleep Disorder
Chronic Fatigue
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)

He advised that all of these along with my Autism, Hyper-mobility and
psychological issues (Anxiety & Depression) are all intertwined.

They are Chronic conditions with no known cure. So is now a process of how to manage the symptoms.

I am being referred to Pain Clinic, Physiotherapy, Hydrotherapy and
Psychiatry. He will be writing to my GP to request that I go on sleeping
tablets and to increase the medication dosage that I’m currently on as
well. They took some blood for testing to cover the bases, but will not need to go back and see that department again.

There was a student Doctor observing my appointment and had apparently never seen someone whose joints where so bendy. So least I’m helping future generations of Doctor’s learn if nothing else!

It really is a genuine relief to get these conditions diagnosed and have someone to listen and understand. I had only been expecting a single diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, so to come away with 4 different conditions was not only a complete shock but also a validation of the fact that I really am not very well. I had thought that all the symptoms I had were normal and the pain I experience is what everyone else feels. It wasn’t until I had been diagnosed with Autism that I have begun to realise that it wasn’t normal.

Its strange having Autism and not feeling, experiencing and expressing myself as other people would. Its very hard to explain, what is normal for me is not normal for the wider community and vice versa.

I have tried to express myself and tried to tell people that things were ‘not quite right’ for years but I have either been bullied, fobbed off, taken advantage of or just plainly ignored. So to prevent myself from having to experience those again I just shut down, closed myself off and told people what they wanted to hear. However since my Autism diagnosis I have been learning to try and express myself better and this has led to these new conditions to be diagnosed to join my long list of other health issues. Now it’s a case of learning how to manage the symptoms and conditions.

Over the years I have learned to mask and hide things and to just keep pushing through them. Now that the health professionals are telling me that yes – what I am feeling and experiencing is real, and not to try and hide it or bottle it up. I worry that people will think that I’m making things out to be worse than they are because they weren’t an issue before.

It’s a lot not only for me to take in, but for my friends and family. At least we have some understanding of what is going on.

Running on Empty

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Feeling both physically and mentally drained. Its been a while since my last post, but this past month has been exhausting. I feel I’m just going through the motions.

I have completed my one on one counseling sessions with Bury Healthy Minds and am now on a waiting list for group anxiety therapy. Their will be 8 to 10 people in the group. Hopefully I will be able to cope with it and come out stronger than when I went in. During my one on one sessions with my counsellor she recommended that I had a blood test done by my GP and that I get referred for an Austism test ( GP agreed and just awaiting appointment). The results from the blood test came back and showed high levels of enzymes in the liver, so GP has referred me for an Ultrasound at the hospital.

Having an anxiety condition and suffering from depression I have difficulty waiting on things. Waiting on referrals or test results, gives time for my mind to race through the what ifs? Hopefully one day people won’t have to wait.

My counsellor, family and friends have all wanted me to reapply for PIP (Personal Independence Payment). I had been holding off on this as its so complicated and delves deep into thoughts and physical issues. I had already received and completed a medical questionnaire back in December for the DWP (department of works and pensions) and said I might be called for a health assessment. So wanted to get this out the way first. After 3 months I hadn’t heard anything so applied for the PIP.

My worst nightmare came true when I received both the PIP form and a letter asking for me to attend the health assessment, arrived on the same day. I’m so scared, its my illnesses and me being judged and vetted. I understand the need for them, but wish their where less intrusive ways, and better questions than “So why haven’t you killed yourself yet?” Being asked. I know in my mind its a standard question and why they ask it, but makes me feel insignificant, unwanted and makes me feel a burden and wasting peoples time.

I didn’t choose to have physical illnesses and didn’t choose to have mental illnesses but they way I have been treated wether intentionally or not, makes it feel like its my fault. Which then makes the depression deepen and the anxiety worse. I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel like this but really is a poor way of handling things.

My GP has changed and increased my pain medication, is a lot better than the last one but doesn’t completely rid me of pain. As anyone who’s been in pain for a long time can understand it too leaves you feeling exhausted.

I really did think I was getting better at the start of the year but the past 2 months have shown me that although there might have been some improvement there is a long and hard road to recovery to go. That is indeed if I can recover. I know I won’t ever be the same again, but hopefully I will be able to wake up in the morning with enthusiasm and have a pain free day followed by restful nights sleep eventually.

Trouble Communicating

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I have trouble communicating. May sound very silly saying that while I’m writing a blog about my Road to Recovery. But communication isn’t just about talking. There’s hearing, talking, writing, feeling, expressing myself the list goes on, everyday we communicate with each other a vast number of ways and I have always struggled.

Hearing:

I am hard of hearing ans wear a hearing aid. I also suffer from tinnitus so being able to listen and understand people can be quite challenging at times especially in noisy environments.

Writing:

I suffer from Dyslexia and I admit have quite bad handwriting. When writing anything wether it be online or on paper, I tend to use words that I know. If I struggle to spell something I’ll tend to go round the houses and waffle alot to get my point across. Yes I know there are spellcheckers available, but when you have dyslexia you don’t always ‘see’ the letters in the words in the correct order. I can read ok, but somewhere in my mind after taking the information on it gets scrambled and doesn’t necessarily come back out correctly. I’ve struggled with dyslexia all my life and despite what my previous work managers its not something that can be cured or something I will grow out of.

Feelings:

Ive always been a person who hides there feelings since being bullied at school and throughout my life. Its easier for me to lock away my feelings rather than deal with them. Feelings are a major way to communicate e.g. of your angry, upset etc.. Since my breakdown I have been on antidepressants and anxiety medications and this further numbs my feelings. However through counselling I’m starting to explore feelings again.

Talking:

Again another one that seems strange for me to have difficulty with, having been in call centre jobs for almost 13 Years I’ve done a lot of talking on the phone, but that was business talk. Talking about me is whole different thing. I hate talking on the phone now days due to a number of factors, my long career of telephone jobs, my difficulties in hearing, the lack of seeing someone’s body language, anxiety to name a few. I don’t know what to say to people some times. At the moment I’m not working or socialising, so I don’t have a lot to say. I’m anxious I’ll say the wrong thing or my mood (which isn’t always uplifting!)  may come across. Its just easier to avoid things.

Expressing myself:

Its difficult for me to express myself due to the reasons above but also because I don’t have the confidence. I’m always afraid something bad will happen or what I’ve said or done will be taken in the wrong context. I’m not good, in fact I’m terrible in social settings. I’m always the quiet one stood in the corner of the room. I have a number of online friends that I know and chat to and would love to meet in person but with a lack of confidence and communication skills again its easier to avoid.

Outlet:

I do find that writing my blog posts or facebook/Twitter status is a big outlet for. There’s no time pressure, I can review things before I post them and in a way its how I can disconnect from myself to say how I’m feeling and share my anxieties.

Hopefully this post will give people a insight into myself and why I’m not always forthcoming with feelings, conversations or meeting up with people. Its not that o don’t care or that on lazy it genuinely is a struggle for me.

Plodding Along….

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Haven’t done an update in a while. Mainly because I’ve had nothing to report on. The benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) (vertigo) has improved alot since the doctor did his tests and exams. Still feeling very low on energy though. but the dizziness has subsided thankfully.

As for the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD, not much has changed. Have been focusing on the physical and getting them under control. So i’m not having too many panic attacks or burping fits as i used to. Sleep is still hit and miss, I am sleeping but wake up exhausted, not feeling any better for it. Still waiting for my referral for CBT to help.

I am having major problems with Social anxiety at the moment. Due to a mix of reasons. I feel safe in my home, I have gotten things under control, when i go out so much is out of my control. Things can go wrong so quickly and i don’t have any safety net or safe place to get to if i go out. Also i have stayed in and not been very active mainly due to the vertigo (BVVP) cant really go out and enjoy yourself if your dizzy. The good side though is now i’m getting over it and getting control of my physical symptoms.

I wish i had my confidence, to get out and meet more people. Its not that i haven’t had the offers, its just i’m way to scared.lol (Not as tough as my online persona shows). Unfortunately not every ‘gets it’ and think i’m just brushing them off, but i’m really not, would love to meet with some people, but just cant get over that hump to do it. Always had confidence issues.

 

Guilt…

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I feel so Guilty that i’ve had a breakdown and its affected my friends and family. In ways I couldn’t have foreseen or planned for.

I know I shouldn’t. I know i’m unwell and will get better but it doesn’t stop the guilt.

Friends and family have been brilliant and supportive, So huge thank you to them.

Others have distanced themselves or disappeared completely.  Some I think just don’t know how to react or feel i’m pulling them down. My Moods can change at the drop of the hat, but is a lot better now my new meds have  started working. Hopefully will start connecting and building friendships back up.

 Slow small steps but any progress is good.

This song from Matchbox twenty suits me, “I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell”

Unwell

The Internet is a lifeline….

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The Internet is a lifeline for people who suffer from Mental Health Issues. You can have loads of support from friends and family, but if you’re terrified of social situations it can be very difficult to meet for a coffee or even talk on the phone. People do take it for granted that its easy to walk down to the shops, do your shopping and head back. but when you Suffer from PTSD and scared of the Police (GMP – Greater Manchester Police), like I am. Every time you go out. Its takes hours of planning and building yourself up, not just mentally but physically as well. When i’m having an Anxiety attack, then i’m sweating and shaking profusely and takes a while before i can calm down and build the confidence to head out.

On Days where anxiety is too high or confidence is too low (or both), The internet is a lifeline. It allows you to connect not just to friends, family but online friends and sometimes more importantly other sufferers who are going through what you are. Knowing that its not just you and that other people know exactly how you feel and what your going through, not only helps boost your confidence but you share coping strategies.

I suffer from not only Depression, but Anxiety, Panic attacks and PTSD, as well as some other medical issues. During the course of the day with so much affecting me, my moods can be all over the place. So having access to the internet and my own network of coping strategies (My Blog, Member of several groups, Facebook, Twitter, email etc..) it is an outlet and a release. From one minute to another my mood can change.

I have found that do tend to bottle feelings, emotions and thoughts up inside, and have found it does not help or work and gets ya into a bigger mess and more of a state. However I do find sharing my thoughts and feelings online can be a huge release. It might be difficult and worrying for people to read, but its much better that i’m talking about these feelings and sharing rather than cutting myself off and letting the thoughts fester.  [whohit]Internet-is-a-lifeline[/whohit]

 

life preserver