Tag Archives: Counselling

Autism Diagnosis

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Since my nervous breakdown in 2013, I have been visiting the GP, going to counselling and even had a number of unexpected trips to Hospital. They seem to be finding more and more things wrong with me. First it was anxiety, depression and PTSD. Then they discovered I was partially deaf and classed as hard of hearing, requiring me to have 2 hearing aids fitted. During my numerous counselling sessions it was suggested more than once that I might autistic.

Last week I was officially diagnosed as having ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I’m still trying to come to terms with it and what it all means. I am still awaiting the full report from the autism assessor and hopefully this will either answer some of my questions or put me in touch with people who can help answer them.

– Majority of Autistic people suffer from Anxiety and depression. So is how I’ve felt since 2013 part of my Autism Spectrum Disorder or are they in addition to it?

– Most autistic people are diagnosed when they are children, I’m in my mid thirties, apparently dyslexia is a common misdiagnosis of autism. I was diagnosed as dyslexic in 1998, so am I still dyslexic or has this been misdiagnosed?

– I have been reading and chatting to people who have been diagnosed with ASD later in life and they have said that their life changed and really began after their diagnosis. So will mine change and if so how?

– Are my physical disabilities part of ASD?

It is a big change and huge learning curve. For someone like me who isn’t always sure of his feelings to start with it’ll take time to adjust and time for it all to sink in. I’m relieved that they found something and it wasn’t me just going mad, but. at the same time I’m sad, scared and angry. Really is a jumble of all emotions. Apparently grief is an expected emotion after this diagnosis, but I’m not quite sure why, no one has died, I’m still the same person I was.

 

listed below are some things that are very familiar to me when I was looking through the autism website. I just thought everyone felt this way, didn’t realise it wasn’t normal.

Sight:
OVER-SENSITIVE
Has difficulty getting to sleep as sensitive to the light.

Sound:
UNDER-SENSITIVE
May only hear sounds in one ear, the other ear having only partial hearing or none at all.

OVER-SENSITIVE
Noise can be magnified and sounds become distorted and muddled.
Inability to cut out sounds – notably background noise, leading to difficulties concentrating.

Taste:
OVER-SENSITIVE
Certain textures cause discomfort

Touch:
UNDER-SENSITIVE
Has a high pain threshold.
Enjoys heavy objects (eg weighted blankets) on top of them.

OVER-SENSITIVE
Touch can be painful and uncomfortable – people may not like to be touched and this can affect their relationships with others.
Dislikes having anything on hands or feet.
Difficulties brushing and washing hair because head is sensitive.
May find many food textures uncomfortable.
Only tolerates certain types of clothing or textures.

Balance:
UNDER-SENSITIVE
A need to rock, swing or spin to get some sensory input.

OVER-SENSITIVE
Difficulties with activities like sport, where we need to control our movements.
Difficulties stopping quickly or during an activity.
Difficulties with activities where the head is not upright or feet are off the grou‏nd.

Asperger’s Syndrome

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During a counselling session last week the Counsellor has admitted  that he is only able to help so far and has identified a number of things. We have been looking at things in depth and using mood diary’s to help. But a lot of the underlying issues we found are ingrained in my mind and cannot be changed, which is causing issues. He thinks I will probably be Diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and he thinks getting the diagnosis will help, in my understanding and will open up other treatments more geared to help me.

I will still be seeing my Counsellor a couple of more times to help with anxiety symptoms and coping mechanisms but wont be a complete fix. Have chased up the Autism assessment and waiting to find out how long the waiting list is.

 

What are the Symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome?

Symptoms include

  • Difficulty maintaining eye contact
  • Difficulty managing social situations
  • Unable to respond appropriately in verbal interactions
  • Unable to decipher facial expressions or body language
  • Unable to show emotions, may seem emotionally robotic
  • May focus solely on their own needs
  • Focus in on specific subjects they are interested in. Usually the topic is very literal.
  • Resistant to change. May expect the same thing to occur day after day.

Conflicting Beliefs

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I’ve been continuing with my counselling and its been going quite well and we have been zeroing in on certain ideals/beliefs that i have grown up with and has been quite surprising in some of the “answers.”

I have always believed in the best of people, even if others have warned me about them or If I’ve heard something about their past, I can only see the good. Maybe they have changed, maybe it was just that once, or that it was the circumstances at the time. This has been my downfall numerous times.

I also expect to be treated badly by everyone, maybe this belief has just come from my past experiences, (abusive relationship, Bullying throughout school, disability discrimination, Homophobia), If i expect to be treated badly, then i can be prepared for it, if it doesn’t happen then that’s great. but this conflicts with seeing the good in everyone.

During counselling we established that I find that I unless I can do something to the same level as everyone else I feel that it is a failure. I do have disabilities both physical and mentally and I don’t believe personally that should affect how I preform. Everyone else can do, so would shouldn’t I? Yes it takes me a lot of extra work and is a lot harder for me to do things, but i don’t personally make allowances for it. If i do, then i find that i constantly have to prove myself, prove that i have difficulty, prove I have disabilities, prove that I have to work twice as hard and prove that I can do it. What some people find easy can be a very difficult and daunting challenge for me. Due to this I rarely find anything to be proud of or find something successful. Even if i did find something to be proud of, i don’t really show it as I think people will make fun or not see it as a particular accomplishment. So Physically and mentally, I know i’m not the same as everyone, but I Still hold myself to the same standards as everyone else.

So I can confirm my Mind is quite screwed up. It really is fighting itself in everything I do, as its trying to work out which belief is the right one. No wonder i suffer from Stress, Anxiety and Depression.

On-wards and upwards

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Taking a break works wonders. The start of September was particularly difficult, I was very depression and struggling with a number of things. I had also restarted counselling with Bury Healthy Minds.

Took a weeks break and headed to London to visit family and this coincided with a number of Transport events and open days. We had a Trip on London’s Mail Rail, Visited Brooklands Museum and the London Bus Museum, this was followed by visiting the London Transports Acton Depot Open day. And the week was rounded off with a spectacular look behind the scenes of London’s Charring Cross Tube station with Hidden London.

Concorde at Brooklands Museum:

London Bus Museum:

Acton Depot Open Day:

Charring Cross, Hidden London:

Saw almost every type of transport imaginal. Am a huge bus and train enthusiast and these really were very special moments that really did make my year! Could have spent hours or days exploring these places more. So much to see. Had a very positive impact and really need cheer me up and get me out of my depressive episode I was in before.

Am now back in Manchester and working with counselling to hopefully improve things. We’ve had 3 sessions so far and have delved right into thoughts, my past and my beliefs. Its quite amazing how intertwined everything is and even my counsellor is realising that focusing on one particular thing wont work or really help. So i’m doing numerous Mood Dairy’s to record what i’m thinking and feeling during the times between the sessions to see if anything stands out. Feeling very positive so far and think my current counsellor is actually starting to understand what life is like for me. On-wards and upwards…

Losing grip on reality

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I feel am losing my grip on reality. I just don’t seem to know what is real or what i have dreamed / made up / imagined. It’s a bizarre feeling. I seem to have lost the ability to put things in chronological order / timescale. Things that happened weeks ago seem like yesterday and things that happened today/yesterday seem to be from weeks ago. I don’t know if this is a coping mechanism or something else. Am getting confused with things that have actually happened and things that i have dreamt and imagined. I know i’m not losing my mind but my mind just seems to be a lot more jumbled than it normally is.

I Struggle with getting things done, always thinking I’ve got plenty of time to do it and then realising that i don’t. I’m stressed and worried because i feel like i have so much going on at the moment and in reality when sitting down and working it out, its not a lot 2 or 3 big things and there’s nothing i can do straight away its waiting for appointments or waiting for the correct time to arrive. When I was ‘well’ before my breakdown, i was working as well as coping with everything else and now i cant seem to 2 or 3 things. It is so depressing and humiliating. I know i’m unwell and not in great health but it just feels wrong and makes me feel guilty and makes me feel like a failure and i’m letting everyone and the world down. I didn’t ask to be Ill and don’t like asking for help, but know i’m struggling. It’s very difficult to ask for help as i don’t know what help is needed/required or what is available.

I’ve recently restarted counselling and this may be what has thrown me out of whack lately as we did talk about a number of different things in-depth. Its scary being scared of everything and talking about it as it really does make you think you, you are crazy.

On the flip side there has been some good things happening.

  • Restarted counselling, I know its small steps and its working on one problem at a time, but anything is better than just stopping and doing nothing.
  • Under going tests for Autism It’s not another thing I suffer from, but a solution or answer to why and how i react / think of things. And so far things are making a lot more sense in regards to this. Have only had one diagnosis session so far and the result was that i have autistic traits in all 4 areas.

Where to start?

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Argh! Don’t know where to start or what to do for the best. I have so many different issues both physically and mentally that need addressing. I have noticed however all these issues overlap and interact with one another. The way the mental health team and the GP work is to focus on one issue at a time. Which in theory would be a good idea, but by doing this its causing different issues to get worse or has unintended consequences.

I have just finished an ‘Anxiety group Workshop’ course of treatment. To be honest I think it made things worse than it did in actually helping. It was good to find out and hear from others that they were experiencing the same anxiety symptoms as I was (although for different reasons) so I learnt that I wasn’t alone and that I shouldn’t be so scared of the symptoms of anxiety. But it did show how bad and deep my depression was, we had an exercise where we had to challenge ‘negative thoughts’ and turn them into positive ones. For example I’m nervous of going out of my flat. “Something bad will happen if I do” so we had to change it into a positive thought “something good will happen if I go out” but I found that although I could make up something and change it into a positive I didn’t actually believe it and just made me more depressed.

Things that need to be sorted:

Depression – Have had depression for around 15 years, It comes and goes but is always there. I was in an abusive relation for 6 years, in a job that i was constantly bullied in for 10 years. A lot of people have taken advantage of me and my good nature, which makes trusting new people difficult. Have struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality, and struggled with my disabilities – Dyslexia, Hearing loss, musculoskeletal issues, mental health issues. and often depressed about money. Feeling low increases my anxieties. I have been suicidal and don’t want to fall back into that.

PTSD – Still getting flashbacks and nightmares of the events in 2013. This increases my anxiety and depression.

Anxiety – Because i’m anxious all the time and have physical symptoms (sweating) and panic attacks means I often don’t go out, makes me feel guilty and stops me from doing the things i used to enjoy and this makes me depressed.

Health – Due to musculoskeletal issues I’m constantly in pain, which makes my mood low, I tend not to go and get anxious that if i do go out i’ll be in pain or make it worse and i’m not in the right mental state to face surgery on it. I’m on 13 tablets a day, which i know is a lot and proves to me everyday that i’m unwell and increases my depression and my anxieties. I’m very conscious of my hearing aids and how people might react to it.

It’s only a brief description of the things i need sorting, because theirs lots more involved and i’m not comfortable sharing or bringing up everything at the moment, hopefully will give people an insight into how everything is interlocked and overlapping. So when your focusing on one single issue the other issues get worse, and its like taking one step forward and 2 steps back. GP wants to know how i want to move forward with my treatment and what i want to focus on, but i really don’t know as everything is connected. Nothing is worse than anything else, they are all as bad as each other. Ideally would need to work on all of them at the same time to slowly reduce the effects but the Health system doesn’t appear to be set up to accommodate that.

Running on Empty

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Feeling both physically and mentally drained. Its been a while since my last post, but this past month has been exhausting. I feel I’m just going through the motions.

I have completed my one on one counseling sessions with Bury Healthy Minds and am now on a waiting list for group anxiety therapy. Their will be 8 to 10 people in the group. Hopefully I will be able to cope with it and come out stronger than when I went in. During my one on one sessions with my counsellor she recommended that I had a blood test done by my GP and that I get referred for an Austism test ( GP agreed and just awaiting appointment). The results from the blood test came back and showed high levels of enzymes in the liver, so GP has referred me for an Ultrasound at the hospital.

Having an anxiety condition and suffering from depression I have difficulty waiting on things. Waiting on referrals or test results, gives time for my mind to race through the what ifs? Hopefully one day people won’t have to wait.

My counsellor, family and friends have all wanted me to reapply for PIP (Personal Independence Payment). I had been holding off on this as its so complicated and delves deep into thoughts and physical issues. I had already received and completed a medical questionnaire back in December for the DWP (department of works and pensions) and said I might be called for a health assessment. So wanted to get this out the way first. After 3 months I hadn’t heard anything so applied for the PIP.

My worst nightmare came true when I received both the PIP form and a letter asking for me to attend the health assessment, arrived on the same day. I’m so scared, its my illnesses and me being judged and vetted. I understand the need for them, but wish their where less intrusive ways, and better questions than “So why haven’t you killed yourself yet?” Being asked. I know in my mind its a standard question and why they ask it, but makes me feel insignificant, unwanted and makes me feel a burden and wasting peoples time.

I didn’t choose to have physical illnesses and didn’t choose to have mental illnesses but they way I have been treated wether intentionally or not, makes it feel like its my fault. Which then makes the depression deepen and the anxiety worse. I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel like this but really is a poor way of handling things.

My GP has changed and increased my pain medication, is a lot better than the last one but doesn’t completely rid me of pain. As anyone who’s been in pain for a long time can understand it too leaves you feeling exhausted.

I really did think I was getting better at the start of the year but the past 2 months have shown me that although there might have been some improvement there is a long and hard road to recovery to go. That is indeed if I can recover. I know I won’t ever be the same again, but hopefully I will be able to wake up in the morning with enthusiasm and have a pain free day followed by restful nights sleep eventually.

Trouble Communicating

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I have trouble communicating. May sound very silly saying that while I’m writing a blog about my Road to Recovery. But communication isn’t just about talking. There’s hearing, talking, writing, feeling, expressing myself the list goes on, everyday we communicate with each other a vast number of ways and I have always struggled.

Hearing:

I am hard of hearing ans wear a hearing aid. I also suffer from tinnitus so being able to listen and understand people can be quite challenging at times especially in noisy environments.

Writing:

I suffer from Dyslexia and I admit have quite bad handwriting. When writing anything wether it be online or on paper, I tend to use words that I know. If I struggle to spell something I’ll tend to go round the houses and waffle alot to get my point across. Yes I know there are spellcheckers available, but when you have dyslexia you don’t always ‘see’ the letters in the words in the correct order. I can read ok, but somewhere in my mind after taking the information on it gets scrambled and doesn’t necessarily come back out correctly. I’ve struggled with dyslexia all my life and despite what my previous work managers its not something that can be cured or something I will grow out of.

Feelings:

Ive always been a person who hides there feelings since being bullied at school and throughout my life. Its easier for me to lock away my feelings rather than deal with them. Feelings are a major way to communicate e.g. of your angry, upset etc.. Since my breakdown I have been on antidepressants and anxiety medications and this further numbs my feelings. However through counselling I’m starting to explore feelings again.

Talking:

Again another one that seems strange for me to have difficulty with, having been in call centre jobs for almost 13 Years I’ve done a lot of talking on the phone, but that was business talk. Talking about me is whole different thing. I hate talking on the phone now days due to a number of factors, my long career of telephone jobs, my difficulties in hearing, the lack of seeing someone’s body language, anxiety to name a few. I don’t know what to say to people some times. At the moment I’m not working or socialising, so I don’t have a lot to say. I’m anxious I’ll say the wrong thing or my mood (which isn’t always uplifting!)  may come across. Its just easier to avoid things.

Expressing myself:

Its difficult for me to express myself due to the reasons above but also because I don’t have the confidence. I’m always afraid something bad will happen or what I’ve said or done will be taken in the wrong context. I’m not good, in fact I’m terrible in social settings. I’m always the quiet one stood in the corner of the room. I have a number of online friends that I know and chat to and would love to meet in person but with a lack of confidence and communication skills again its easier to avoid.

Outlet:

I do find that writing my blog posts or facebook/Twitter status is a big outlet for. There’s no time pressure, I can review things before I post them and in a way its how I can disconnect from myself to say how I’m feeling and share my anxieties.

Hopefully this post will give people a insight into myself and why I’m not always forthcoming with feelings, conversations or meeting up with people. Its not that o don’t care or that on lazy it genuinely is a struggle for me.

A Positive Start to 2017

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Had a difficult but good chat with my new counselor this morning during my telephone assessment. She really did listen and wasn’t just focused on the events of 2013 but my life as a whole.

She agreed that I need to talk things through, rather than have CBT therapy to fix my symptoms, as CBT doesn’t get to the root causes of my issues. As I tend to bottle things up we will be doing Psycho-dynamic Therapy.

(The aim of psycho-dynamic therapy is to bring the unconscious mind into consciousness – helping individuals to unravel, experiences and understand their true, deep-rooted feelings in order to resolve them). Wont be quick fix, we are talking 6 months plus.

But feeling positive and a lot of what she said to me, made sense and I Start the face to face sessions next week.

Therapy.. All Change

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Well after another counselling session and explaining about my nightmares and being angry. The Counselor was very Good, listened, understand and made made changes. So Its all stop on therapy that I’ve been doing, Progressive Muscle Relaxation Therapy (PMRT). We have decided to stop this as its causing unwanted and unintentional side effects.

We are now trying a new approach, humanistic therapies, which focus on self-development in the ‘here and now’ rather than the events of the past. Apparently, my mind and body are ‘stuck’ in the past, reliving the events of 2013. So we are now going to try and retrain my mind to force it into ‘reality’ and not the scary, dark places of my mind. Not sure how this will work, counselor says it will take a long time and that it’ll be very difficult. But always knew it was a long road. As much as i wish for a quick fix, it wont happen.

I Have had quite a week, of unexpected things happen which I think I have handle well. Fireworks and Bonfire night (5th November) and anxiety certainly do not mix. Although I was anxious and quite jumpy i didn’t have a full blown panic attack which I expected to have. I have Contacted my GP to ask for additional support and for details to be put on thier systems under the Accessible Healthcare process. Have also chanced up a number of other things that have been causing me concern, so in all a positive week.

PTSD – Flashbacks

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Since my Counselling Started to help reduce my Nightmares and flashbacks from events that happened in Nov 2013. I have had a good couple of months without them, but had had the first one in ages the other night. Scared the crap out of my was screaming as i woke. But it didn’t disrupt my whole day like they normally do. Small victory but a huge step forward for me.

Flashbacks are horrible. Takes ya right back there to all the sounds, smells and feelings i had at the time of the incident. Its definately not like recalling a memory. Terrified, but shows the counselling works as i could calm down and more on soon after. It didn’t ruin my whole day.

Flashbacks

Small steps..  [whohit]PTSD-Flashbacks[/whohit]

Steps