Tag Archives: anxiety

The Internet is a lifeline….

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The Internet is a lifeline for people who suffer from Mental Health Issues. You can have loads of support from friends and family, but if you’re terrified of social situations it can be very difficult to meet for a coffee or even talk on the phone. People do take it for granted that its easy to walk down to the shops, do your shopping and head back. but when you Suffer from PTSD and scared of the Police (GMP – Greater Manchester Police), like I am. Every time you go out. Its takes hours of planning and building yourself up, not just mentally but physically as well. When i’m having an Anxiety attack, then i’m sweating and shaking profusely and takes a while before i can calm down and build the confidence to head out.

On Days where anxiety is too high or confidence is too low (or both), The internet is a lifeline. It allows you to connect not just to friends, family but online friends and sometimes more importantly other sufferers who are going through what you are. Knowing that its not just you and that other people know exactly how you feel and what your going through, not only helps boost your confidence but you share coping strategies.

I suffer from not only Depression, but Anxiety, Panic attacks and PTSD, as well as some other medical issues. During the course of the day with so much affecting me, my moods can be all over the place. So having access to the internet and my own network of coping strategies (My Blog, Member of several groups, Facebook, Twitter, email etc..) it is an outlet and a release. From one minute to another my mood can change.

I have found that do tend to bottle feelings, emotions and thoughts up inside, and have found it does not help or work and gets ya into a bigger mess and more of a state. However I do find sharing my thoughts and feelings online can be a huge release. It might be difficult and worrying for people to read, but its much better that i’m talking about these feelings and sharing rather than cutting myself off and letting the thoughts fester.  [whohit]Internet-is-a-lifeline[/whohit]

 

life preserver

Coming off the rails….

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Sometimes coming off the rails in life can be a good thing. Although the majority of ramifications of having Mental Health issues is negative there are some good things to come out of having a breakdown. The main thing I’m realising is my out look on life and the world.

I’ve come to realise that for most of my life I’ve had my head buried in the sand, so to speak. Only saw the good in the world, the world was a great place and took people at their word. Now I’ve come to see the world as a horrible place, where everyone is fighting against you. People don’t care about each other or how it makes you feel just as long as they get what they want.

I’ve always been very laid back and ‘submissive’ just letting things happen and trying to adapt, but after November realising that i cant do that. I have to stand up and fight for my little corner of the world. (I don’t want much. lol). I am learning to stand up and fight and realising that sometimes other peoples views of myself don’t matter. I’ve tried so hard to be ‘normal’ and to fit in to life, but now I’ve realised that there is no normal. Normal is me! People can take me as I am or leave me, done with trying to fit in. If people don’t like me I’m not going to bend over backwards to get them to like me.

I’m Also becoming very aware of Politics and world events and how they do affect my life. Before it really never affected me when new laws or economic caps came in or if it did I wasn’t very aware of it. I’m now on benefits and out of work and not capable of working due to my health issues. So I’m now very aware of how politics and world events are now affecting my everyday life. People say its easy to life to live on benefits. I can assure you its not! Money is very tight, struggling to pays bills. When suffering from Depression and anxiety it just adds to the vicious circle.

People will say its a very negative view, but I kind of thing its positive to be able to see the world this way and to find my place in this world.  [whohit]Coming-off-the-rails[/whohit]

Off the Rails

Making Plans…

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Making plans when your depressed and have anxiety issues isn’t easy. Its not easy for a number of different reasons. Firstly when I make i never know how my mood or how I’ll be feeling on the day. Normally when i make plans I’m feeling upbeat and confident, So might plan everything thing out only to find when the day comes I’m in no mood for anything other than hiding under the covers in bed.

Plans that i tend make tend to fall apart for one reason or another. Its so depressing having a goal/plan to do things only for it to fall apart. Just re-enforces the Depression. Now days I’m slowly learning to have open plans. i.e. Go Shopping, but wont make a detailed plan, I’ll wait for a day when I’m feeling more confident and then do. That way I’m not beating myself up over. A lot of things that need doing are quick and easy and if I’m on a roll will get quite a few done in a day.

Even simple things that i took for granted become a challenge and a chore in my current state. I am surviving and plodding along though, just wish i could tie things down a bit better, but they’ll come in time i guess.  [whohit]Making-Plans…[/whohit]

Counseling Continues…

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Since my breakdown have been struggling with a lot of things. I was referred to Counseling through my GP. I Had an assessment with the Mental Health team where i live and we agreed that the Sleeping issues and Flashbacks were the first priority. I wasn’t sleeping at all. And this mean me very tired, no motivation and making me very depressed. I couldn’t sort anything out until my sleep had been either sorted or at least helped with it. I was offered Counseling from the Mental team and agreed a course of treatment – Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) as an approach to coping with the flashbacks and nightmares. As per the current rules, i had a maximum of 6 sessions booked for me, to go through the steps to the road to recovery.

Gotta say it had been great and worked really well, My Counselor is great. The NLP approach has helped me to get rid of the flashbacks and reduce the amount of nightmares. All the nightmares related to the November incident i can now control and I’m not in such a state waking up. I can actually fall back to sleep (most times) after having a nightmare.

I’m still having nightmares but no where as severe as they were and still having lots of trouble sleeping. I have discussed the thoughts and reasons around why this is affected me and we have come to the conclusion that its now the Anxiety disorder which is now the main thing.  A lot of the nightmares and trouble sleeping are now down to being in a constant anxious state. The Counselor feels that we have completed and done everything to resolve the nightmares and flashbacks and its now time to look at the next treatment. At the moment the way the Mental Health service works is that you are first referred by your GP, you have an Assessment and are allotted up to a maximum of 6 sessions. They Will only focus at one particular issue at a time. (So as i have multiple Mental health issues, i would need to be referred multiple times.) Once you have finished with the 6 session you will need to wait at least 6 weeks before starting any new sessions.

I had my 6th session on Friday, however my counselor wasn’t happy to discharge me from her care. I have been described as an ‘An at risk Adult’ and ‘A vulnerable person in my current state.’ As we have reached the maximum number of sessions, she had to discuss my case with her Manager. They have both agreed to continue the Counseling on an ongoing basis and they are unhappy for me to be discharged from the Mental Health team and counseling at this stage. Mainly due to the risks involved, but also because of the relationship and trust that i had built with my counseling and she feels were are making progress together and that if i was discharged. The things might get, worse and may slip back into old habits and undo the good work. So will start working now on the Anxiety.  [whohit]Counceling-continues[/whohit]

So both good and bad news. Good news is that i wont have a break in terms of my therapy and wont have to change counselors. This means i should hopefully be able recover and move on with my life after my breakdown. The bad side to it is that I’m still so unwell they wont discharge me.

Confidence V Risk Taking

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Well Since my breakdown in November, I have started to realize that the world i create in my mind and the things i image happening are a lot more worse and scary then real life itself. I Have found myself wanting to do things that i would have before said was too dangerous or stupid to do. What i deem stupid and dangerous is quite different to everyone else. I haven’t had the best confidence, and have had other health issues (knees) which have restricted some of the activities i would have liked to do.

I have noticed a trending of me wanting to do more things that are out of my comfort zone. Is this because i have a new found confidence that the world isn’t as scary as it used to me. Or is it me just taking more risks, cause I’m in the what the hell mood, nothing can be as worse as what I’ve already experienced.

It could be both a boost to me confidence as well as more risk taking. I’m not planning on doing anything silly, but more open to ideas now than i was before ( See my Bucket List). Incresed risk taking esp, with my mental health issues are a worry, but its also something that is well known and documented with people who have PTSD and Depression. As for the increased confidence i think this is more that i ahve realized in myself that The Reality of the world is not as scary as what my mind can produce. Then again i’m still scared and have no confidence going out, another symptom of my Anxiety Disorder.  [whohit]Confidence-V-Risk-Taking[/whohit]

Sleeping Issues

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Been having a huge amount of Sleeping problems since the events in November 2013. I used to struggle to function if i didn’t get a good 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night, would wake up grumpy and tired if i didn’t. But for the past 10 Months I’d be lucky to get 6 hours a night. And even then its not full restful sleep. Its unbroken and difficult. Although on the plus side do get to see some lovely Sunrises over Manchester as I’m still awake as the sun comes up (chance for a Twitter or Facebook upload).

Suffering from lack of sleep is horrible. It brings your mood down, you cant concentrate on anything. Everything is so much effort and there is just no motivation at all to do anything.

I’ve been having Counseling through Bury IAPT services for the past 3 or 4 months to help with my flashbacks and nightmares that started after my breakdown.  This has helped to control my nightmares and Flashbacks but they still appear from time to time, Classic symptoms of PTSD. The main flashback that troubles me is one of the memories i had when Greater Manchester Police (GMP), first came to the flat and made me think that my Fiancee and love of my love had died. Its of a police officer that was stood in my the flat. in a certain stance, he was wearing full police uniform including high-vis jacket. And had his arms up holding onto the top of his stab vest. This image haunts me. The Police tell me Officers stand like that cause its more comfortable as the stab vest and equipment they have is uncomfortable. But i saw it as a very aggressive stance. It looks like his fists were up and ready for a fight and he was ready to launch at me any moment.

The Nightmares are truly awful, waking up covered in sweat, heart pounding, jumping up and screaming. The nightmares although were different in scene setting, people in them but there are 3 main themes which keeping troubling me and keep coming up time and time again. The first one is seeing Police in my nightmares, this would start of my anxiety/panic attacks and after waking i wouldn’t have a chance of getting back to sleep. On numerous occasions the Nightmare of the Police raiding the flat or me opening the door to see a policeman there, would require me to get dressed and walk around the block to confirm that there are no Police nearby, this sometimes stops the panic attacks but rarely stops the anxiety attacks. The policeman is always the same, same face, doesn’t matter what I’m dreaming about he’ll walk my nightmares to find me. The second theme again stems from the PTSD and the thought that my other half had died. In the nightmares I’m loosing someone close to me. friends, family the person who dies or goes missing is always different but the emotions and feeling of loss just brings me back to the way GMP left me in November after the first visit they paid me. The emotion and feeling of loss is huge and very dark, Some very dark places and thoughts come after these nightmares. The 3rd theme is quite simply fear. Just being afraid scared of everything and anyone, again down to GMP and me loosing my ‘safety net’, no-one is there to help or protect me and this leaves me feeling very alone, very vulnerable and very scared.

At the moment i have no sleep routine, I sleep when i can and when needed. I still try and go to bed and sleep but normally just lie there for hours in between 20 minute power naps. I’m constantly tired and not through lack of trying to sleep. Back in December the GP put me on medication (Zopiclone), some strong sleeping tablets. I was only allowed that one prescription of it (28 tablets) due to them being addictive. They did allow me to sleep for a good uninterrupted, restful time.

Although the flashbacks and nightmares have improved with the help of counseling. Its not just the sleeping that’s an issue. My Anxiety disorder is next on the list that i need to get help for. I’m actually scared/worried of waking up. As silly as it sounds, but when I’m asleep, no one can hurt me. There is less people about at night and generally less noise so allows me to get things done and completed without jumping at every noise from outside or elsewhere in the building. In November the 2 days the Police arrived at the flat they woke me up and got me out of bed. So I’m extremely anxious in the mornings. This could be why i stay up all night before going to sleep when the sun comes out. Then again when my Partner Mike was having his flashbacks/rough/dark times they generally were at night. So I’m not sleeping as heavily as i was to listen out to keep me eye on him.

So really my Sleeping issues are a mess. And that’s just the mental health side of things troubling me when i try to sleep. Not to mention the back or knee pains.  [whohit]Sleeping-issues[/whohit]

Waking up with an Anxiety disorder

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I wake up most morning normally with a jump/start and so the day beings. Every morning starts with physical symptoms,  a racing heart and shakiness. The shakiness has calmed down a lot since November, but still affects my life in a massive way. The GP Has put me on Beta Blockers to slow my heart down so I’m not in such a panic state all the time, and although it does have a large affect it it is still very noticeable.

I’m so scared of what the future may hold. my life was turned upside down by Greater Manchester Police, through no fault of my own. If i had done something i could understand it, but i didn’t and nothing can stop it happening again. So scared of going out, every where i go now i always purchase something along the way so i have receipts i.e. a paper trail, to follow so people cant say i was some where else. This is not a nice way to live.

After getting up and checking each room in the flat (just to make sure no one is there) i have my morning brew and my cocktail of medicines, all prescribed by the GP. It’ll normally take me a couple of hours for me to calm down and stop panicking after waking up before I’m able to do anything productive. On really bad days I’m just pacing the flat back and fourth, if the fight or flight response is too difficult to ignore. Then i will go for a morning walk around the block, Mainly to check that there are no Police around (a fall out from November again).

Once I’m calmer and more in a stable state of mind then i can get up and do things, not massive things everyday things like washing and cleaning.  At the moment I’m only really going out the flat either for a walk to calm me down (which doesn’t stray to far from the flat), or I’m going to GP, Hospital, or Counseling appointments. All the fun stuff i used to do like go shopping, Going out with Mike on the Bike, or going to Transport Festivals. I no longer do in case i meet a police officer, i don’t know how I’d react. I’d have a panic attack and either run away, causing the officer to chase, or the officer would have to deal with my panic attacks calling paramedics and probably causing more stress. Hopefully next couple of weeks I’ll try and get to the Bury Transport Museum or Manchester’s Transport Museum. Used to love both of them. But depends on my state of mind and current financials (living on benefits is not as easy as people make out, but that’s for another blog maybe).

Most days is me trying to find things to take my mind of things, e.g. Baking cakes, Puzzles or computer games and of course my Blog (hello there my dear readers 🙂 ). Other days after waking up i don’t feel i can keep myself safe, in a sense that I’ll lash out at something or go do something silly, So I’ll just stay in bed and try and sleep cause tomorrow has to be better. Mike by other half is brilliant on these days always keeping me engaged and keeping an eye on me.  [whohit]Waking-up-with-anxiety-disorder[/whohit]