Author Archives: Mikeyquake45

Holding My Own

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Well had a couple of tough weeks. For all the good my GP Surgery has done for me i took the difficult step of sending a formal complaint in to them. Due to an error over prescriptions and the treatment i received. Cant say too much as investigation still on going.

Good news though is that I’ve been Discharged from the ENT (Ears, nose and throat) Department at Bolton Hospital, as they are happy that there is on physical issue causing my dizzy spells. They have determined that its a  symptom of my anxiety. I will still be under Audiology at Royal Bolton Hospital, Probably for life. As will need new batteries and maintenance of my hearing aid.

I Finally had my appointment for the Orthotics department, that was requested in January 2016, at North Manchester Hospital. Getting some specially made insoles for my shoes.

Still on a waiting list for Healthy Minds Bury, at Fairfield General Hospital. They have been good checking in with welfare calls to check my state of mind, making sure nothing is getting worse.

Its amazing that with all the medical issues i have both physically and mentally, that its not just one institution that looks after me. So far been to 4 different hospitals: Royal Bolton Hospital, North Manchester General Hospital, Fairfield General and Rochdale Infirmary Hospital. Then you have my GP Surgery as well. The amount of medical notes they all hold on me would probably fill a truck. lol

Although things have been difficult in a number of ways, i’m not in such a mess that I thought i might me. I’m hanging in there, staying strong. Things are moving, maybe not the way or as quickly as i might have hoped, but its progress.

Flashback Re-emergence

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After having my breakdown in 2013 I had loads of flashbacks due to PTSD. Almost all of them were me ‘flashing’ back to the Time that Greater Manchester Police were in the flat, The Hi-viz jackets they wore were so visible in the flashbacks. I had some Therapy in 2014 which used an NLP approach to help me deal with the flashbacks caused by PTSD. It really did help and I had thought I had gotten a handle on it, however they have re-emerged this week.

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The trigger this week was due to Greater Manchester Police turning up at the flat again. (Nothing as serious as 2013) but it brought all the memories back again and the flashbacks. The flashbacks are a mixture of the 2013 events and this weeks, yet again the officers hi-viz clothing is extremely vivid.

I Have been so anxious and shaky since they turned up. Just as I thought I was getting somewhere, something simple throws me back.

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No more fight left

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I feel so guilty. Guilty that I cannot fight and beat this depression, anxiety and PTSD. Guilty of the effects it’s having not only on me but on friends and family. I feel guilty asking for help, others get along by themselves, so why can’t I bounce back. Why is life so difficult? I feel guilty for saying how I really feel and worry about the effects it’ll have on others.

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I hate having money troubles, struggling to get by just to buy food and pay the bills. I wish I could be back at work earning money, rather than surviving on handouts. Have stripped back as much as I can. Can’t go out as unable to afford things. Can’t see family as much I’d like due to costs of train fares. The money worries keep me awake at night and increase my anxiety ten fold.

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Here’s hoping for a cure  and an end to mental health sufferers globally. It happens so quick you fall apart completely and yet takes years if ever to become ‘normal’ again. I’ll never get back to who I was before my breakdown, that has been taken from me. Trust that can no longer be restored. Have found I’m more cynical of everything, as before I used to see the good in everything and everyone. I just get that sinking feeling, another battle, another fight. I’ve been so strong and fighting so hard, I feel there’s no more fight left in me.

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Asking for help

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After speaking with family down in London, Went to GP and told her that I didn’t think CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) Was right for me at this time, I needed someone I could talk through my thoughts and feelings with. So I Have been referred to ‘Healthy Minds Bury’, so will see what comes of that. Also mentioned that i’m having mood swings and that my mood is normally a bit flat / nonchalant mood. So have had my medication increased. (6 pills daily now).

Been going regularly to Bolton Hospital since January for the dizzy spells I’ve been having, from when I fell and hit my head. Although they found that i had damaged and lost my some of my hearing, Reason why i know wear a hearing aid, but it seems that the dizzy spells i have been having are a symptom of anxiety, but GP didn’t want to do anything else as that’ll be for the Healthy Minds team and medication to help control.

So fingers crossed, hopefully be able to move forward again.

Philosophical thought…

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Just feel like i’m being Stepped on.

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Always believed in a higher power, Everything that happens to me i have always believed is for a reason. Either i was an extremely bad person in my last life. Or i’m being challenged to see how much i can take and handle. In order to get ready for something in the future.

But sometimes I think enough is enough! Argh! I Keep plodding along, but guess it comes down to old age question of “What is the meaning of life?”

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Going round in circles….

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Well haven’t done an update for a while. Mainly cause i’m stuck in loop and going round in circles.

Feeling a little lost to be honest.

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I need help with my state of mind and mental health, however the mental health team cant help as I have physical issues with my knees. So was referred to Physio and started going weekly to the Hospital. Until i had a major panic attack during a session. The physiotherapist doesn’t want to continue until my mental health is better, but the mental health team wont help until my physical issues are sorted. So catch 22! The GP is trying to intervene as she agrees that i shouldn’t be doing physiotherapy in the state i’m in. As the exercises get my heart beating fasting with starts panic attacks.

Have been trying to occupy myself and learn new skills. Been having fun Creating paper models over 140 made so far, running out of space.lol  ( Photos: Ferris Wheel and Space Shuttle Models):

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Have also invested in some loom bands and have been attempting these as well, managed to make a snake and a number of bracelets.

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Hearing aid update

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Well I had a hearing aid fitted 3 days ago on my right ear, and wow i’ve noticed a huge difference already. I didn’t realise how bad my hearing was, hearing all sorts of different ‘new’ sounds. Still learning all the new wonderful sounds. Some sounds are already getting on my nerves.lol (The fridge motor being one of them).

Is a huge adjustment, will have to go back to the hospital every 3 months from here on out. But nothing i cant handle, hopefully. In 3 months time the Audiology department want to fit another hearing aid on my left ear. My left ear has always had the best hearing, but even in the short time i’ve had the hearing aid, i’ve noticed that the hearing in my left ear isnt as good as i thought. So maybe once i have both i’ll be able to hear the world in stereo, scary thought.lol

Will take me awhile to get to used to wearing it, think that’s why they want to fit the other one in 3 months time. Feels strange having something in my ear all the time, and does sometimes get a little sore, but from what i’ve read and been told, is perfectly normal as its my ear shaping around the hearing aid and it will get used to it.

The ‘new’ sounds and my anxiety don’t really go well together. but at least when i’m having a panic over something I can hear I can put it down to being able to hear it now and hopefully will help my anxiety in some ways as will be able to hear things better so wont be as scared on the louder noises.

Still a lot to learn, another long road ahead of me.

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Tinnitus & Hearing loss…

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Well new year and new problems, although hopefully on track to get it eased.

Been to see an ENT Specialist (Ear, nose and throat)  at the Royal Bolton Hospital. As i’ve had ringing in my ears since i hit my head back in 2013. Didn’t go well.

Having to have an MRI scan, as Doc things the bump to the head, might have shaken things up and the ear canals may have moved or been damaged, hoping not, but having the scan to rule it out.

They also did a hearing test and found i have moderate hearing loss in the left ear and severe hearing loss in the right ear. Normal hearing range is 0-20 decibels, I scored 35 in my left and 60 in the right ear. So will need a Hearing aid on my right side, which will be fitted in the coming weeks. Am not allowed to have a silent room, gotta have a radio/music/tv on in each room i go into, to help ease the Tinnitus and gotta have a special sound box to help with me falling to sleep.