I’ve attempted to write this post multiple times and each time I’ve deleted for fear of being rejected, treated differently or being locked up. However, I need to get these feelings out. I tend to bottle feelings and my thoughts up. All that happens is it just eats myself up inside.

I’ve been feeling very angry these past weeks. Firstly at myself for not recovering quickly enough and letting/allowing myself to feel this way. Other people seem to be able to survive and get by their trauma and issues without any problems, so why can’t I?

I’ve been having nightmares a lot recently and these are completely different to any I’ve had before and don’t really know how to handle them. The only way I can see to avoid/rid myself of these is not sleep. It’s not a conscious choice, my mind would just rather be awake and active, rather than have these nightmares. I feel that I don’t have any ‘fight’ in me anymore. I’m physically and  mentally exhausted, but these ‘new’ nightmares are violent ones and what’s scary is its me being the violent one. I’m fighting and attacking/defending myself against people who have abused and hurt me in the past. I’m not a violent or angry person, I never have been. I really don’t understand where these feelings and emotions have come from or how to deal with them.

I’ve also been in lots of pain over the last week’s as well. I think it’s down to the orthotic insoles the Hospital has made for me. I have a number of issues with my legs. I have flat feet, numerous issues with my knees and also have issues with my hips. I Suffer from hypermobility (means my joints more way outside the ‘normal ranges’ they are meant to.) as the insoles are helping to treat my flat feet, this puts pressure on my knees and my hips. As everything is trying to readjust to the new positions I’m suffering a lot of pain, more than I let on (don’t want to seem a whimp or crybaby). I know there’s nothing that can be done at the moment to help. GP won’t issue any pain medication, PhysioTherapy and the surgeons won’t do anything until my Mental state is better. However I don’t think the Mental Health teams or the GP are listening to me or understand what I’m going through. NHS department’s don’t seem to talk to each other. everyone seems to be refusing to help and not wanting to do anything until something else has happened. I think it all needs to be done at the same time, but that seems impossible. So I’m left in Limbo and in pain. The lack of sleep due the nightmares is probably increasing the pain levels as nothings getting a proper rest and time to heal. Seems like another vicious circle which I can’t escape until something breaks, I’m desperately trying to hold on and keep my head above water, not just for myself but for family and friends. For fear of letting them down and a fear of showing how truly weak and useless I am. I’ve lost 3 years of my life and there doesn’t seem to be an end insight.

I hate disappointing anyone and have been at times telling be what they want to hear rather than the truth. I know that’s counter intuitive but I don’t want people sad and worried over me. that’s a lot more important things going on in the world than me.

I’m angry, tired and in pain. A bad combination at any time. I’m still plodding along but I really do need to be fit and well and back working. Since having my Disability payments stopped (PIP) I’m in a big mess with money. I just can’t seem to manage it like I used to. Am I losing all control, everytime i think I’m getting back on track it gets messed up. Have more money going out than I get in. I don’t spend money on me it all goes on bills. luckily I’m not in arrears but I can’t carry on this way, it’s no way to live. well it’s not living really it’s just getting by. If I could afford it I’d buy new clothes as mine not really fit anymore or have fallen apart. My weight seems to go up or down so regularly most clothes I have don’t fit anymore.

Sorry about the length of this post and any waffling I did. sometimes it helps to get the feelings out even if it is just on this page. Still a release of emotions and pressure and I guess that can only be good.